Sunday, June 19, 2016

We All Need a Little Culture.

Let us discuss this new product that one of my favorite companies, DAIYA, has put out. It is "Greek Yogurt."

Yes, those quotation marks are intentional.

When I purchased this product, I was all, "Hmm. Greek yogurt. These Daiya types can make anything and it's generally fabulous so this product must be simply divine as well." I snatched that cup of shit right out of the refrigerated section at Full O' Life in Burbank and scampered right on up to the cashier.

"I've never even heard of this," the kid said, leading to a discussion of the merits and flaws of various non-dairy products.

"I'll give you a report once I've tried it," I let the imp know as I was waddling toward my car.

Well, here's my review.

If you have a hankering for a giant spoonful of something that tastes like chalk+butthole+death, then pick you up a cup of Daiya Greek Yogurt.

This shit is REVOLTING. Upon tasting, one is exposed to a sharp, bitter taste that is quickly followed by something that tastes like ripe landfill. Extraordinarily unpleasant.

I would never recommend this to anyone at all, not even Donald Trump, who I believe DESERVES to eat spoonfuls of butthole.

After my first sampling, I immediately messaged my friend Dimples. He exclaimed, "Oh, I hate that shit. I threw six of those away!"

He then suggested that I try Kite Hill's almond milk yogurt. No, it's not "Greek" - but he said it's the only non-dairy yogurt he likes. I've written about different non-dairy yogurts before - some that taste like nothing but sugar, others that are like taking a sampling of blown nose. It's just not something most companies seem to be able to get right.

But this Kite Hill business - it's about as close to tasting like regular yogurt as I've ever experienced. I would give it a B+ (I tried the blueberry flavor and it was a bit too sweet, but Dimples assures me that the plain one isn't sweet at all so I will try that one next).

And in Kite Hill's favor - these hippies have taken packaging awareness to a fabulous new level, perforating the paper portion of their label and making it removable so you ran recycle both the label, the lid (aluminum) AND the container. 

I love hippies so much. 

Heed my warning, though. Unless you're really into eating sweetened, cultured cesspool - run screaming in the other direction from that Daiya business toward the pleasant deliciousness that is Kite Hill.