Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Ahoy, Mateys!

I don't know about y'all, but whenever I am in a vegan restaurant and see their "fish" selections, I get a little queasy. "Creamy fish," "sauteed vegan fish," et cetera. The descriptions conjure up images of pasty nastiness that must taste like red tide - or worse. 

So imagine my surprise when a friend actually recommended Gardein's new (and elusive) Fishless Filets. "They taste just like Arthur Treacher's," I was told. Now, I am not a seafood enthusiast by nature. Growing up down south in Floridaar, I was exposed to conch fritters, crab patties, oysters, clams, lobsters, any sort of nonsense one could dredge out of the beleaguered Gulf of Mexico. As a Floridian, I was expected to gobble that crap up with glee. But the taste of all of those things made me want to fucking scream. I hate all of it. HATE IT. The only seafood I could ever manage to get down without wanting to die was the deep-fried whatever-it-is fish they served at Long John Silver's and other purveyors of "fish 'n chips." These restaurants deep-fried any lingering hint of that gross "seafood" essence right out of that fish, and made it fit for a person of my proclivities to gobble up. (Deep-frying anything makes it better - that's what we say down south, y'all.)

Now, Gardein has never let me down. Their turk'y cutlets (with gravy packets) are so god damn good. Their  crispy tenders - DIVINE. And let's not even get into how beyond delicious either variety of their sliders are. Slap a heaping helping of Just Mayo on those jive turkeys and you are set for a one-way trip to heaven. 

Yes - they are THAT good. 

So, I figured, "You know what? I think I'll try that fishless filet, seeing as I like to use any excuse at all to go to as many health food stores as possible in search of esoteric and stupid foods."

I was told they carried it at local (California) Whole Foods, so I visited several. To no avail. Finally, I went to this dinky and precious little health food store in Eagle Rock called Organix - and there that fake fish was, screaming out at me from the frozen foods section like a banshee in the night. 

I whipped open that freezer door and purchased the FUCK out of that fishless filet and then careened my vehicle back toward home with desperate abandon. After making a super-speedy stop at the Whole Foods in Glendale in order to purchase a small bottle of Follow Your Heart tartar sauce, I made it home, cranked up the oven and waited. 

Twenty minutes passed while those little assholes baked to golden perfection in ye olde oven, and the waft of seafood was overwhelming. This shit smells EXACTLY like fish. Maybe a little too close, I said to myself as the minutes counted down. 

But then the time came. I took those crispy bitches out of the oven, let them cool for a minute or so, and then dared to take the first bite. 

Fuck. This shit tastes - and feels - EXACTLY like fish, y'all. FLAKEY. And tasty. And wonderful. 

So - if you enjoy the flavor of deep-fried fast food fish but do NOT want to participate in the continued decimation of our world's oceans - or, for that matter risk imbibing whatever toxic chemicals have been ingested by real fish due to decades worth of dumping every single type of poison imaginable into the water (if we can't see it, it isn't a problem!) - then I recommend you navigate your vehicle to your fine health food kiosk and see if they have this deee-licious product. 

It's not vicious or malicious.

Just deee-lovely and deee-licious.  


Dustin Garrett Rhodes said...


Dustin Garrett Rhodes said...

I want it now.

Anonymous said...

yay, a post! :) if only i could deep-fry your drawl, slap on an ambiguous use-by date and slam it in the freezer for future drunk consumption :)