Sunday, October 17, 2010

PHAT-ASS BAKERY up in this piece.

Now, when folks 'round these parts bring up vegan bakeries, they usually mention that half-assed dump Babycakes - the place that serves cupcakes that taste like and have the consistency of chalk with a dollop of slightly-sweetened Crisco slapped on top - but I won't go to that shamehole. I tried it once, and that was enough for me. Anyone who says those products are good is fooling themselves. Low rent.

However, do you want to try some REALLY, GENUINELY good vegan baked goods that will make you sob hysterically when you get down to the last crumb with an intensity one might reserve for discovering that the world is about to end?

Then you'd better drop every single fucking thing you're doing right this very second and run screaming to Champs Family Bakery (176 Ainslie Street) in Williamsburg, Brooklyn - and I mean Right. This. Second.

Now, I'm not usually one to venture into Williamsburg these days. The artfully-draped scarves and Steve Urkel frames on those hipsters are enough to make me steer clear - for their safety more than mine... But today when Jates had The Perambulator handy, we decided to drive over - that way we wouldn't have to wend our way around klatches of simpleton 20-somethings wandering around in a post-Saturday night of feeling self-important at various clubs-haze. We got right to Champs' door with barely even a vision of a hoodie or a flannel shirted, skinny-jeaned jackass. And BOY was it worth it.

Upon entering, our olfactory systems were treated to the glorious, comforting aroma of quality baked goods - probably one of the most calming odors in the entire world. We were already in ecstasy.

The staff was among the friendliest I have experienced ANYWHERE EVER... they treated us as if we were good friends from the moment we entered the establishment, and were, for lack of a better word, awesome. So so nice - and they played great music, too, which was a massive plus.

And then we looked in the glass cases that displayed this establishment's wares. Or should I say treasures. FUCK. Take a gander at these here snapshots -

And then there's what I had... the pumpkin cinnamon roll. Which I'm sure had at least seven days' worth of calories - but you know what? I don't give a fuck. This thing was so god damn good that by the end I was trembling - yes, I said trembling - with wonder at the baker's prowess. (The baker, one of the lovely people who was working when we were in there, brought us a complimentary sweet potato turnover so we could sample more wares, and let me tell you what - that shit was off the hook too. Divine.)

This cinnamon roll was the size of a personal pizza (I ain't kidding!), and I ate every fucking crumb of that thing because I don't give a shit. It was AMAZING. Fluffy, gooey, drizzled with that white sugar shit they put on those things... Dern, I'ma be dreaming about that pumpkin cinnamon roll for the next three weeks, y'all.

What can I tell you about Champs Family Bakery? I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to master the Art of Vegan Baking, and this place has more than done it. I challenge anyone to go to this place, try something - anything - and say that vegan baking isn't a worthy substitute for regular old eggs ("liquid flesh," as Guruji says) and milk ("teat extract," as I say) baking.

Get over there, y'all. You will not regret it.

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