Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Raw Chocolate Messes Up My Life.

I'm going to have to admit it - I have a raw chocolate addiction. A HUGE ONE. Up until this past July, I was spending anywhere from $20 - $30 a day - yes, A DAY - on that shit. Why? Because it is amazing, and it is also incredibly good for you. Yes, it's a ton of dough to shell out for something most would consider to be a luxury - but I've got what one would refer to as an addictive personality, so maybe I went a little overboard.

That all changed this summer, when I just said "no." I stopped grabbing at raw chocolate packages with the ecstatic fervor of a five-year-old grabbing for its first Cabbage Patch Kid (or whatever ignominious equivalent pollutes tots' Christmas lists these days), and started saving some money for future endeavors, whatever they may be. However...

I had to take a sabbatical from the Chocolate Ban when I received an email from Gnosis Chocolate detailing in perverted, near-pornographic terms their new concoction for fall - THE PUMPKIN SPICE TRUFFLE.

Like bees extracting nectar from late-blooming flowers, Gnosis draws seeds from autumn’s pumpkin essence, and whips these mini kegs of energy and such immune boosters as zinc, magnesium, and iron, into a creamy, nutty butter. Combining the butter with its uniquely delicious, nutritious chocolate, Gnosis then adds potent maca root, effervescent ginger, Siberian ginseng, cinnamon, nutmeg, Cordyeps mushroom, vanilla beans, and blue green algae.

The result is a treat whose sugar-free sweetness tricks (and delights) all palates and invites gobbling well beyond Thanksgiving. And, while keeping plenty for you and yours, we invite you to consider filling Halloween Party Goers' bags with Pumpkin Spice Truffles this year rather than with the usual sugar- and chemical-filled “treats.” Gnosis’s oompa loompas faithfully follow Nature’s example each and every day, as they combine the highest quality raw, organic plant based foods to create gems whose value is great for lovers of life’s very best things.
I tried to resist. I really did. But sadly, I work less than a block away from Westerly, one of the main suppliers of this drug-of-choice - and when I was over there last week and saw those little motherfuckers staring out at me from their compostable packaging, I just snapped. I had to buy them. They were CALLING TO ME. Because not only do I have a raw chocolate addiction - I also have a VERY severe pumpkin addiction (aside from that revolting, ultra-sweet sewagey filth they serve at Starbucks under the "pumpkin spice latte" banner. That shit makes me want to vomit.) Mostly, if it says "pumpkin" in it - I'm going to want it.

Were they worth every single god damn penny I laid out for them? Absolutely. Have I maintained control since their purchase? Yes. How? Because Westerly sold out of them. But if I ever see them there again, you can bet I'ma snap those little bastards up. They are nut-buttery delight, and they are FULL of things that are just plain good for you.

I love pumpkins, and I love Gnosis. The two together - PURE HEAVEN.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Accessorize Your Assholeism!

Want to show off just how much of a stupid, selfish cunt you are? Then head on over to dollskill.com where they sell "YES, THEY ARE REAL" fox tail keychains!

First of all - tacky.

Second of all - it's bad enough that the foxes are being killed for something so completely fad-driven and asinine - why, why, WHY do you have to subject the poor little angels to being dyed hideous colors like lime green, pink, and orange? Whoever came up with this idea is crawling at the very bottom of the gene pool.

Of course, what's even sadder is that there are people crawling around the bottom of the gene pool with this dipshit, ready to snap these stupid things up and allowing this person to make a living off something so completely repellant.

Go ahead and buy them - you'll be advertising to the populace at large that not only do you feel an intense need to look just like everyone else in order to be comfortable with yourself, but also that you are a world-class asshole who doesn't give a fuck about the suffering of animals or the destruction of the environment as long as you THINK you look cool waddling around with a fucking animal's tail strapped to your ass.

From their shoppe on etsy:
What could be better then a fox tail dipped in a Candy Apple Green? The attitudes of these candy colored tails are as Posh as our favorite Hollywood celebrities. Rare and distinct, the So Posh tails are sure to cause a fashion riot everywhere you go.

Tails are 100% REAL fur Foxtail. Featuring an industrial strength nickel hardware for clipping it onto your bag, belt loop and the like! Attached to each tail is a chain link with soft and supple authentic deer skin leather tassels, same leather used on the finest handbags out there!

Each tail is approximately 15-18'' long. Due to the fact that these tails are 100% authentic fox fur tails, each will vary slightly in size and shape.

I know something that's "better than a fox tail dipped in candy apple green" - how about a fox tail that's LEFT ON THE FUCKING FOX WHERE IT BELONGS.

Trends come and go - suffering is forever. And Dolls Kill, obviously run by idiots, seems to be intent on keeping suffering trendy.

You stupid shits need to start thinking before you act. Oh, and you also need to stop dressing like morons.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

PHAT-ASS BAKERY up in this piece.

Now, when folks 'round these parts bring up vegan bakeries, they usually mention that half-assed dump Babycakes - the place that serves cupcakes that taste like and have the consistency of chalk with a dollop of slightly-sweetened Crisco slapped on top - but I won't go to that shamehole. I tried it once, and that was enough for me. Anyone who says those products are good is fooling themselves. Low rent.

However, do you want to try some REALLY, GENUINELY good vegan baked goods that will make you sob hysterically when you get down to the last crumb with an intensity one might reserve for discovering that the world is about to end?

Then you'd better drop every single fucking thing you're doing right this very second and run screaming to Champs Family Bakery (176 Ainslie Street) in Williamsburg, Brooklyn - and I mean Right. This. Second.

Now, I'm not usually one to venture into Williamsburg these days. The artfully-draped scarves and Steve Urkel frames on those hipsters are enough to make me steer clear - for their safety more than mine... But today when Jates had The Perambulator handy, we decided to drive over - that way we wouldn't have to wend our way around klatches of simpleton 20-somethings wandering around in a post-Saturday night of feeling self-important at various clubs-haze. We got right to Champs' door with barely even a vision of a hoodie or a flannel shirted, skinny-jeaned jackass. And BOY was it worth it.

Upon entering, our olfactory systems were treated to the glorious, comforting aroma of quality baked goods - probably one of the most calming odors in the entire world. We were already in ecstasy.

The staff was among the friendliest I have experienced ANYWHERE EVER... they treated us as if we were good friends from the moment we entered the establishment, and were, for lack of a better word, awesome. So so nice - and they played great music, too, which was a massive plus.

And then we looked in the glass cases that displayed this establishment's wares. Or should I say treasures. FUCK. Take a gander at these here snapshots -

And then there's what I had... the pumpkin cinnamon roll. Which I'm sure had at least seven days' worth of calories - but you know what? I don't give a fuck. This thing was so god damn good that by the end I was trembling - yes, I said trembling - with wonder at the baker's prowess. (The baker, one of the lovely people who was working when we were in there, brought us a complimentary sweet potato turnover so we could sample more wares, and let me tell you what - that shit was off the hook too. Divine.)

This cinnamon roll was the size of a personal pizza (I ain't kidding!), and I ate every fucking crumb of that thing because I don't give a shit. It was AMAZING. Fluffy, gooey, drizzled with that white sugar shit they put on those things... Dern, I'ma be dreaming about that pumpkin cinnamon roll for the next three weeks, y'all.

What can I tell you about Champs Family Bakery? I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to master the Art of Vegan Baking, and this place has more than done it. I challenge anyone to go to this place, try something - anything - and say that vegan baking isn't a worthy substitute for regular old eggs ("liquid flesh," as Guruji says) and milk ("teat extract," as I say) baking.

Get over there, y'all. You will not regret it.