Friday, August 28, 2009

Worst Product Name In the History of the Universe

This product has replaced Nads as Worst Product Name Ever Award Winner!

PIT PUTTY? What were they thinking while they were brainstorming up this repulsive name? It's an organic deodorant, not something you're going to want to form into a bowl or sculpt into a figurine. The name conjures up the image of smearing big, clammy gobs of grey goo into one's armpits. Not what I want to think of when selecting a product to combat human odors.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Straight from Sacred Chow to my heart.

I'm "friends" with the vegan restaurant Sacred Chow on Facebook, so I'm privy to their shenanigans as or sometimes even before they occur. You can imagine, then, my almost psychotic glee when I saw this status update from the creators of my favorite marinated kale salad:
Sacred Chow ms. fang is molding seitan sausages, which will be wrapped in alum foil and steamed and then served w grain mustard over warm sauerkraut & onions 4 our protein of the day.
FUCK, y'all. I dropped everything I was doing and IMMEDIATELY sent an urgent text message to my Sacred Chow conspirator. We salivated and cried and prayed for the weekend to come so we could sink our teeth into those god damn sausages. And then the moment came. BAM! Check out those fucking sausages, y'all. Homemade! And that mustard - homemade. Off the god damn hook.

And... SHAZAM!

Detailed here, we see our old friend Mr. Marinated Kale Salad, along with some supple, pouting black olive seitan. Next to our tapas is a Charlie Brown Smoothie.

Seriously, y'all. If you haven't been to Sacred Chow yet, you must Run. Screaming. to this place. The waitstaff alone is worth the trip. Where else could you expect a waiter to insert himself into your conversation with, "Oh my god are you all talking about Sarabe from The Lion King?!?" while playing Limahl's "Neverending Story" on his iTunes.

Yes. The place is that good.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It's Almost Fur Time Again, Y'all!

It's almost that time of year again, y'all, where the douche-trickles of New York City and other metropolitan areas will attempt to show how "civilized" and "cultured" and "classy" they are by either a) purchasing new furs or b) dragging their wretched, unholy coats and hats and muffs out of fur storage (hint to dipshits - if you have to FREEZE your clothing in order to keep it from going rancid, you probably shouldn't be wearing it. Morons.).

Now, it's no secret that above everything else in the realm of human stupidity, Marky Mae Brown hates - and I mean HATES - fur coats and their continued production. Are we eskimos? Is this 1472? No. Fur and its production are unnecessary, horrifying, disgusting, loathsome, deplorable, and just plain sick.

Why the hell people can't see beyond their own need for vanity, status and material wealth to the simple fact that fur is torture is beyond me. When I was at a seal hunt protest last year, a fat cunt wearing a fur coat proudly paraded back and forth in front of us, waving her fur as if it were just so fucking funny that she had participated in the needless slaughter of probably 60+ minks. She laughed, she smirked, she shot birds at us. I wanted to kick her smug, ugly teeth down her throat.

I think there should be a rule that if you really want a fur coat, you should have to go to a farm yourself, look at the timid, scared, malnourished creature trembling in an overcrowded cage, stare into its eyes for about ten minutes, watch it as it eats, grooms itself, tries to sleep.

If you can get through that and still feel okay about the fact that it's about to either have its neck snapped and its skin ripped from its body while it's still alive or be anally electrocuted and THEN have its skin ripped from its body, carcass tossed aside for the garbage, then you can go ahead and get your coat. And then everyone who sees you in it will know exactly how bereft of compassion you are - which they should know anyway.

Because people who participate in the creation of fur - on any level - are absolutely bereft of compassion and deserve the horrific karmic seeds they are collecting on a massive scale.

All of you fur-wearing cunts can help save ME from collecting a big boatload of negative karmic seeds by staying the fuck away from me, because my gut instinct when I see y'all is to do something akin to the atrocity you were complicit in committing on those innocent animals.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Jesus Fucking Christ, Y'all.

Okay, I've been on yet another dreary Raw Foods kick - once you start with the raw foods, going back to regular foods makes you feel... what's the word... lame.  I don't know why - I can't explain it. I think starting a raw foods diet, at least for me, puts my brain in 'eating disorder' mode - if I dare eat anything processed at a temperature that exceeds 115 degrees fahrenheit, I immediately feel as if my ass will balloon. Retarded, yes, but whoever said humans were rational thinkers?

Anyway, enough of that drivel.  I'm here to bleat about raw chocolate. The shit is amazing, y'all. And I discovered a new variety yesterday that would make even the most staunch advocate of Hershey's and other purulent, fetid versions of chocolate fall prostrate at the chef's feet, praising him or her for defying all odds and making the most amazing shit in the entire fucking world.  

It's called ChocAlive!. I purchased some yesterday before going to see District 9 - I ain't eating none of that mess they sell at concession stands in movie theaters. (Did you know that the "butter" they use on their popcorn contains condensed chicken feet? True story.) I nestled into my seat and popped open the 'sampler pack' of raw chocolate truffles, and ho-lee fucking shit, y'all, I almost had to get up and leave the theater, my reaction was so strong. I could not believe the smooth, sweet, amazing deee-lite that I had just bitten into was actually raw food. One variety was rolled in coconut, another in cacao nibs, and I think the other was just rolled in raw cacao powder. Whatever they were rolled in, they were all of them - each and every one - off the god damn chain.

Meanwhile, what's all this fuss about raw chocolate that's been going on not just in hippie news circuits but on mainstream news as well? From ChocAlive's website:
ChocAlive! is uncompromising in our standards, using only the highest quality organic ingredients and carefully preparing our products in such a way as to preserve those precious, vital enzymes and nutrients that make ChocAlive! products so inimitably nutritious AND delicious!

Although known to be rich in magnesium and high in antioxidants, conventional chocolate is heated, processed and refined to such a degree that many of these touted healthy components are literally destroyed. While this type of chocolate may taste good, it is usually no longer as nutritious as nature intended it to be. Here's what makes our ChocAlive! products so uniquely healthful:

Prepared at temperatures below 118°F, preserving the integrity of the enzymes, vitamins and minerals of these straight from nature ingredients
Extremely high in antioxidants and magnesium
Contains only wholesome, unprocessed, plant-based sweeteners
Contains NO wheat, gluten, refined sugars or dairy products
Wide variety of flavors and products available without nuts for those with allergies

And here's a good article from on the benefits of raw chocolate. But really - the benefits are not the important part for me. I am a chocolate hog - I always have been. I have been known to eat an entire pound of See's 'nuts & chews' in one sitting and grope for more once the box is empty. So to find raw chocolates - and en ever-expanding selection of brands - emerging in the marketplace - chocolate I can eat without feeling as if I'm going to need to purchase braces to keep my furniture from buckling - is particularly exciting for me. Each ingredient is o so good for you. 

Huzzah for raw chocolate!