Tuesday, March 31, 2009

PeTA is a Selfish Pack of Douchebags

People for the "Ethical Treatment" of Animals - instead of being spiteful, power hungry cretins, perhaps you should focus energies on the things you SAY you care about - like, perhaps, animal welfare. 

I think suing an organization that runs a shelter for abused primates, taking in animals that have been experimented on for most of their lives or exploited in entertainment, is pretty fucking sick.  You really need to rethink your actions, because they are transparent and repulsive.

All y'all - read this article, please, and do not give PeTA your money as long as they're foolishly and needlessly attacking other animal rights organizations.
An excerpt:
If dressing up like clan members, exploiting women in protests, investing in the animal industry, or euthanizing 80-97% of 'rescued' animals doesn't change your mind about PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, perhaps their recent lawsuit will get your attention.

Is PETA suing KFC as part of their KFCruelty campaign? Are they suing Lowes for selling moustraps? PETA has decided to take it easy on these guys and instead go after the Friends of Animals animal advocacy organization's primate sanctuary.

Read the whole article here.
Ingrid Newkirk and brainwashed minions - instead of bullying groups that are actually doing something good for other species, why don't you go back to finding some more porn stars or strippers to pose naked for your idiotic publicity whore ad campaigns that we've all grown to despise?

Or, even better, why don't you try focusing on something that could actually do some GOOD for the animals?

Thursday, March 26, 2009


The Whole Foods on Houston and Bowery is so totally busted, y'all. Take a gander at that photo - "Vegan Honey Jalapeno Barbeque Seitan." What's wrong with that picture?

It's NOT vegan.

For the people at Whole Foods (and the people at Westerly who argued this point with me recently over their "vegan" sandwiches that were prepared with honey oat bread) - the definition of Vegan is as follows:
A vegan is someone who tries to live without exploiting animals, for the benefit of animals, people and the planet. Vegans eat a plant-based diet, with nothing coming from animals - no meat, milk, eggs or honey, for example. A vegan lifestyle also avoids leather, wool, silk and other animal products for clothing or any other purpose.
Now, I will give Whole Foods credit for trying. THIS Whole Foods, anyway. As I've complained before, the Whole Foods by where I work - they just dump shit out and expect you to sit there and read all the ingredients, printed on teeny-tiny cards, in order to figure out for your damn self whether or not there are offending ingredients in their freshly-prepared comestibles. 

The Whole Foods on Bowery and the one on 24th Street - they take the time to label things they think are vegan. Too bad they're wrong some of the time. Honey is an animal product. (If you would care to read more about honey and why it is not vegan, please click here.) 

So, for a vegan to say, "I'm a vegan but I use honey," is as hypocritical as the fartmouths who say, "I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." Fish have bones, fish have blood, fish feel pain when you rip them from the water with a hook through their mouths. Therefore, you're NOT a vegetarian. 

The same goes for bees and vegans. 

Vegans, for the most part, made this choice because they respect all life (and respect doesn't necessarily mean that they LIKE all life) and do not want to cause harm to any other living creatures either through killing or by subjugating their freedom in order to extract various substances from them, use them as laborers or steal products they make. Keeping bees for honey falls into one or more of these categories.

So Whole Foods - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making the effort to supply vegan food, but please please please take the time to educate yourselves before calling something vegan. Someone who didn't have the time to read the ingredients could very well have assumed that since it says VEGAN in big green letters, that your use of the word "honey" was just to make that dish sound like one of the many fattening and gristly appetizers they serve at T.G.I. Friday's and other chain restaurants frequented by stupid fatasses.

And I can tell you - there are vegans who would react a hell of a lot more freakishly than I have over this matter, especially if they had actually taken a bite of it before they realized that it contained that stuff. The very last thing you want is an indignant vegan pitching a fit after having been fed an animal product. I've seen it and it ain't fun.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I LOVE CHEESE! What is it about cheese!

Yesterday I was at a ra-sha-sha book-signing event for President of Friends of Animals Priscilla Feral's new cookbook, The Best of Vegan Cooking*, at the beautiful and glamorous vegan restaurant, Candle 79 on the Upper East Side. Now, a few things struck me as interesting right from the start: 
  • An elderly woman in attendance whose many plastic surgeries had created in her the appearance of an amphibious muppet - lips, eyes, cheekbones, carved beyond recognition. She took great glee in sharing with anyone who would sit by her the many trials and travails she had gone through to achieve this plasticine visage of "eternal youth" that looked more like silly putty stretched tight over a raw chicken than an actual human face. 
  • A wonderful harpist who serenaded the room with classical renderings of such songs as "Angel of the Morning" by Ms. Juice Newton and "Something" by the Beatles. She was a marvel and we all applauded her spiritedly at the end of each song. She blushed and smiled embarrassedly, which made her even more endearing.
Now, after about 20 minutes of schmoozing and hobnobbing with Manhattan's vegan / animal rights / socialite set, we noticed that the waiters were starting to bring out trays of hors d'oeuvres. I hadn't eaten anything at all since the day before, and it was late afternoon at this point, so I would have grabbed fried dung and eaten it if it had been offered. But, anyone who knows of Candle 79's reputation is aware that the appetizers being passed around were anything BUT dung.  

Off. the. fucking. hook. Seitan skewers, chickpea cakes with almonds and plum sauce, seitan dumplings... each was better than the last. I mean, these things were fucking amazing. 

And then it happened - the thing almost every vegan has dreamed - no, PRAYED - would occur in this lifetime. We, the people at this event, were the first people in New York City (and almost in the world) to try out a new nondairy cheese. I didn't know this when I was grabbing greedily at the plate of quesadillas being passed around the space. All I knew was that I was hongry as balls and I wasn't stopping til I was full up. 

But when I bit into that triangle of bliss, topped decoratively with a dollop of guacamole, it was as if the Gates of Heaven had opened up and a shaft of Light had poured forth from God's fingers and landed on my tastebuds. 

This shit was AMAZING, y'all. And I mean, if I hadn't been informed ahead of time that this stuff was vegan, I would have screamed at the waiter for derailing my vegan diet with tainted teat-drippings. 

Let me detail to you the wonders of this cheese. It melts. It has no fucked up aftertaste. It TASTES, FEELS, LOOKS, SMELLS just like cheese. This cheese is NOT soy-based. We were told by someone who was representing the company at the event that the cheese made with tapioca flour, among other all natural vegetable-based ingredients. When we found out that this man was even ancillarily responsible for bringing to us this manna from Heaven, we all circled around him in an attempt to kiss the hem of his garment. 

The cheese is from a company called Daiya. You can read all about it here.

If you do not believe me that this shit was off the chain - and not just from the standpoint of a vegan who misses cheese and will say that anything orange and slime-like that is labeled as a "cheese alternative" is awesome and amazing - you can ask my 100% dairy-enthusiastic friend who attended the event with me and marveled along with me at how fucking awesome this shit was.

Sadly, this product is not yet available in your local comestibles kiosk. They are trying to work out distribution. Let me tell you, it will be worth the wait.

Vegans everywhere will rejoice when this product hits the mass market. Pizzas will again be in our grasp. No longer will we have to suffer through the noxious clots of damnation that make up VeganRella and the alluring but not completely satisfying Vegan Gourmet.

And that will be a happy day.

* Might I suggest that you purchase a copy of this book if you're able and help support a wonderful Animal Rights organization.