Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Two - or perhaps one - views on So Delicious Coconut Milk "Yogurt"


The Lowdown:

Coconuts were made by the goddess herself---a celestial creation whose presence enhances all matter of food. I love the meat, the water and, most of all, the delicious, ass-fattening milk. Just pour that shit down my throat and see if I stop you. During the three years that I spent waiting tables at a Thai restaurant, I ate Massamon curry practically everyday. I never got sick of it. A couple of weeks ago, while minding my own business at Whole Foods, my eyes, like a hawk spotting a mouse miles below, focused upon the new addition to the yogurt shelf. I could have shit my pants. Coconut milk-based yogurt. Instead, I bought one of each flavor.

Do y'all like coconut-infused snot---an overly sweet gooey mess that's hard to swallow, like a phat loogie that you can't suck down? Well, Turtle Mountain seems to think so. They've introduced a vile line of sugary diarrhea intended, it seems, to outdo the soy based diarrhea that's already available at a grocery store near you (Wildwood Soy Yogurt, for the record, is not diahrrhea, but it is hard to find). Seriously, every flavor tasted like the same vegetable: high fructose corn syrup mixed with pureed okra.

If you are wondering how this is possible (Turtle Mountain makes the fabulous Purely Decadent line), well I am too. Consider yourself warned.

Marky Mae:

I was going to write a scathing rebuttal to the above diatribe. I tried two flavors of So Delicious Coconut Milk Yogurt - vanilla and strawberry. 

My only complaint, other than the lip-pursing sweetness, was the waxy buildup that remains in your mouth long after you've taken your last swallow. It's almost as if you've taken a lit candle and dumped the liquid wax into your mouth, allowing it to cool. 

And then I realized - why do I care? Why do I give a shit about coconut milk yogurt, other than the novelty of it, which wore off rapidly after my first bite? Sure, it's not like you're spooning cultured vomit into your mouth or anything, but other products are much better.

And I am not allergic to soy. I love soy. If I could subsist on soy and soy alone, I probably would. Soy yogurts, for the most part, do have a jacked up aftertaste that is akin to battery acid, so I steer clear of them unless I'm just in one of those moods to cram everything on the planet into my mouth at the same time.

This morning, things changed. I was at the laundromat, and, having been forced to scoop leftover cups-full of that rancid ASS-smelling "fabric softener" out of the tray in the one and only available washing machine (I hate that smell. That smell, even the slightest wiff, makes me want to hunt down and destroy whoever came up with the Satanic chemical compound that created it. It is unholy; it does not belong on clothes) before depositing my coins. Frustrated and alone, I decided to walk up to ye olde health food kiosk on Fulton and purchase a kombucha and a banana. 

And then I saw it - they had plain coconut yogurt. I figured I'd give that shit another whirl. But next to it was Wildwood Organics soy yogurt - THE brand, the one everyone's been ululating about for the past several months, the one I had yet to try. 

I picked it up. 135 calories, as opposed to the plain coconut milk's 150. 23 calories from fat, as opposed to the coconut milk variety's 70. I was sold. "All of these vegan gays had better be right," I said to myself as I paid up.

And they were. Not only is this Wildwood Organics yogurt delicious - as far as I could find, there was NO discernible soy to it at all. It had the consistency and flavor of actual real yogurt. 

My one complaint about Wildwood - they have not taken the hippie plunge like other yogurt companies and excluded the hard plastic tops from their containers. The pull-back tops are sufficient and spare the world a fuckload of litter. Wildwood - wake up, please. Plastic sucks.

So fuck that coconut nonsense. If you don't have issues with soy, I say go with this Wildwood Organics shit. Because it is fucking good.

Update - as a test, I baked cookies with coconut milk yogurt to see how they would turn out, and they were just as acceptable as the same variety done with soy milk yogurt. So, in a pinch - coconut milk yogurt is just fine and dandy for your baking needs.

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