Friday, January 16, 2009

Smoke This.

by Dimples Doublefist

As many of you already know, I burned down part of my house several years ago (only $25,000 worth), so needless to say I was forced to give up smoking as a full-time occupation. It's been a rough road, paved with a few cigarettes along the way, but I have to admit that the house-fire---unglamorous though it was---ended up being a good thing.

Being a true addict, however, I was forced to find something less dangerous than cigarettes. Let me tell you, it's not as sexy, but just as satisfying: I drink hot tea all day long.

Here's the routine: I get up in the morning and drink two cups of coffee. If you must know, I drink them with a splash (this small measurement holds deep importance for me) of Trader Joe's soy cream. Sugar is nasty. I am happy.

When I arrive at work, I start drinking green tea (sometimes oolong and sometimes white tea, too). I drink said tea from a Mason jar. I proceed to drink cup after cup (which metaphorically means that I smoke cigarette after cigarette) all day long, non-stop. Sometimes, by 5 PM I am totally cracked out. Sometimes my hands shake or I feel dizzy or nauseous---or both. But, like I said, I am an addict.

A few weeks ago, however, I found the beverage of my dreams---thanks to Mongo/Marky Mae: Yerba Mate. I always thought the stuff would taste like a cup of hot dirt water, but it doesn't. If I stick with the cigarette analogy, Yerba Mate is an American Spirit Light. Green tea is a Benson and Hedges Ultra Light 120, which means Yerba Mate is Heaven and green tea is Hell.

My favorite is the Guayaki Organic Mate Chocolatte, which is infused with cocoa and spices. I like it better than smoking, which, if you know me, is saying something. If you throw in a splash of Trader Joe's Plain Soy Creamer, you've got yourself some hot-sex-magic in a cup. Plus, Mate Chocolatte does not cause the crack-shakes, so you can drink with impunity.

Trust Marky, you want some of this.

1 comment:

Marky Mae Brown said...

I love Yerba Mate and you are correct - it IS the American Spirit Light of hot beverages! Ooooh, I miss American Spirit Lights. The yellow package is calling to me.