Friday, January 30, 2009

When I was in my mid-20's, broke and destitute, I got a part-time job at a Thai restaurant. I loved Thai food, plus I loved the owners of the restaurant: Vang and Mina. Two very sweet, kind and generous people.

I loved working there. I made a lot of money with what amounted to not a whole lot of work. Plus, I got to eat Massamon curry every day (I seriously ate this curry hundreds of times over the course of the 3 years I worked there). I also got Feng Shui lessons from Mina (whose every spare moment was spent studying it), which culminated in allowing me to Feng Shui her living room. I got to tell my boss that she needed to "hang a prosperity crystal in her north west corner" and to, "goddamnit, turn that fountain around so the positive energy is flowing in the door and not out the window! Seriously!?"

When I started waiting tables, I wasn't a vegan. In fact, it was during a low point in my consumptive life: I was flirting with eating anything that was dead. I won't go into the gross acts of violence I was complicit in; I am trying to forget. I did, however, become a vegan after working there for about 3 months, although my conversion had nothing at all to do with the soup they fed me made of cow cartilage.

Now here's something surprising: my bosses were interested in helping me be a vegan. "Oh, that silly white boy and his eating experiments," they'd say. Vang, the chef, learned to create delicious curry without fish sauce--learning how to dump plenty of salt and sugar into the coconut milk to compensate for the rotten fish. Plus, they introduced me the power of hot sauce, namely Sriracha Sauce--a love affair that continues to this very day.

Sriracha, in my opinion, is the most delicious and versatile hot sauce that exists. Nevermind the neon color, it's good in or on everything. Just the other night, I used it to season a vegetable soup broth (and by season, I mean set it on fire!), and a certain someone I know told me it was one of the best soups he's ever eaten. Plus, if you are a lesbian or a hippie (or both), you can stir it into your beans and rice and witness it's transformative powers for yourself.

One of my uncles, who is possibly a little retarded and probably a little mentally ill, says that hot sauce kills all the germs in your body (yes, he claims all of them), thus making it impossible to get sick. Of course, this is bullshit, but don't let it stop you from a little delicious self experimentation.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Want to see what an asshole looks like?

Take a gander, y'all. Here is a 100% Genuine Asshole:

"Fashion designer" and drooling simpleton Jason Wu, the entity responsible for that heinous sale rack prom dress Michelle Obama was wearing on inauguration night, has stated his intention to create a "significant" fur line.

Our friends at ecorazzi pointed out that this vile bolsa de mierda stated the following on Access Hollywood:
“I’m doing a significant fur collection, and the message will be all about luxury.”
"Fashion is also sort of escapism, and women need beautiful dresses to lose themselves in.”
Hey, fuckface - fur is not "luxury." Fur is destruction. Fur is the ultimate fashion faux pas, and you as a young designer should know that.

How about trying to create something for women to "lose themselves" in that doesn't cause the needless death and suffering of another sentient being? It's not that hard... designers do it every day. 

Oh, and that dress you designed for Michelle Obama was fucking gross. I knew I didn't like you - and now I know why.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

GoodTimes Newz Roundup!

Around the news today:

Forests in the Pacific Northwest are dying twice as fast as they were 17 years ago, and scientists blame warming temperatures for the trend, according to a new study.

The study, to be released Friday in the journal Science, is the first large-scale analysis of environmental changes as contributing factors in the mortality of coniferous forests.

The data for this research was gathered by generations of scientists over a 50-year period at multiple sites in Oregon, Washington, California, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and southwestern British Columbia. Seventy-six forest plots, all more than 200 years old, were monitored by scientists doing some of the most rudimentary research -- counting trees.

"It's not a happy story, but, an important one," said Phillip van Mantgem, a research ecologist with the U.S. Geological Survey and the lead author of the study. "These are beautiful places. They do change and respond to their environment, sometimes quickly."

read the rest here
ROTHERA BASE, Antarctica (Reuters) - Antarctica is getting warmer rather than cooling as widely believed, according to a study that fits the icy continent into a trend of global warming.

A review by U.S. scientists of satellite and weather records for Antarctica, which contains 90 percent of the world's ice and would raise world sea levels if it thaws, showed that freezing temperatures had risen by about 0.5 Celsius (0.8 Fahrenheit) since the 1950s.

"The thing you hear all the time is that Antarctica is cooling and that's not the case," said Eric Steig of the University of Washington in Seattle, lead author of the study in Thursday's edition of the journal Nature.

The average temperature rise was "very comparable to the global average," he told a telephone news briefing.

read the rest here

I loves me some cookies. If there's one thing veganism really has going for it, besides hippies, it's cookies. People will bitch and moan about the ass-like properties of most people's tofu scramble, or how some people's cupcakes taste like scabs, but vegan cookies, almost across the board, are Hawaii Fab-O.

Take for example Sticky Finger's Bakery. It's basically an animal product-free shitake hole (that's insultingly overpriced), but their lemon coconut cookies are to-die-for (the chocolate chip are fine, too, but the oatmeal cookies are way too sweet). Cookies were born to shun the exploitation and commodification of our cow and chicken brethren.

Most hip vegans think Isa Chandra Moskowitz's cookies are the gold standard, but unfortunately this is not true. I don't understand why or how because she did, after all, write the Cupcake Bible, which truly is a masterpiece that will stand the test of time and the stupid hipster fad that is cupcakes. For some reason, some of her cookie recipes suck. And not in a good way.

Personally, I am drawn to cookies that are slightly crunchy on the outside, with a center that is chewy and has some bite. Like my men. A cookie can't be vomit-sweet, either, or cause you to feel dizzy or nauseated if you eat more than three. Also, like my men. And if you are baking vegan cookies yourself, well, then, of course you are going to eat more than three, so this is uber important.

The vegan cookie expert is Dreena Burton, of Eat, Drink, Be Vegan fame. If you don't believe me, try her chocolate chip cookie recipe. Just this past weekend, I made her spelt flour-based "You Dipped Chocolate in My Peanut Butter Cookies," which are rich and decadent and completely amazing. Plus, you can pretend that the spelt flour makes them good for you (think fiber)!

Vegans always moan on and on about greenhouse gases, animal suffering, drowning polar bears, blah-blah-vegan-blah-go-vegan-vegan-blah-blah, without pulling out the biggest gun of them all: never underestimate the power of a good cookie.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore.

Ye Olde Pompous Vegan has tried on more than one occasion to get across the point that factory farming is destroying the planet - but we're going to do it again, because it is something that needs to be repeated until dipshits get it through their heads that meat is b-a-d bad. Repeat. B-A-D BAD. Yes, y'all. Factory farms are not only violent, horrible places that inflict misery and suffering on countless thousands of animals, they are also primary contributors to Mr. Global Warming.

Our friends at Ecorazzi pointed out in their blog roundup an article coming out in February's Scientific American regarding this very subject - one most people either ignore or pretend doesn't exist, because they like gobbling down their saturated fat-laden McDLTs and Triple Whoppers more than taking action to save the fucking planet for their children. 

So here we go diggin' one more time. A sample of the article, which can be found in its complete form right up in here:
Most of us are aware that our cars, our coal-generated electric power and even our cement factories adversely affect the environment. Until recently, however, the foods we eat had gotten a pass in the discussion. Yet according to a 2006 report by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO), our diets and, specifically, the meat in them cause more greenhouse gases carbon dioxide (CO2), methane, nitrous oxide, and the like to spew into the atmosphere than either transportation or industry. (Greenhouse gases trap solar energy, thereby warming the earth's surface. Because gases vary in greenhouse potency, every greenhouse gas is usually expressed as an amount of CO2 with the same global-warming potential.)
People make fun of Ye Old Pompous Vegan when this subject is brought up. "I don't care - I like hamburgers," or "fuck the environment," or "cows are dumb and can eat shit," are a few of the things YOPV has heard over the years. But y'all, there's going to come a point where your jokes won't be funny anymore. Just ask Morrissey. And by that point, will it be too late? 

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

300 Football Fields every hour.

by Marky Mae Brown

Today's the inauguration of Barack Obama. I WAS elated... until I read this.  

I've known of the plight of the orangutan for quite some time, but this startling and tragic realization of just how screwed they are really horrifies me:
But palm oil plantations devastate the forest and create a monoculture on the land, in which orangutans cannot survive. Over the years, Galdikas has fought off loggers, poachers and miners, but nothing has posed as great a threat to her "babies" as palm oil.

There are only an estimated 50,000 to 60,000 orangutans left in the wild, 90 percent of them in Indonesia, said Serge Wich, a scientist at the Great Ape Trust of Iowa. Most live in small, scattered populations that cannot take the onslaught on the forests much longer.

Trees are being cut at a rate of 300 football fields every hour. And massive land-clearing fires have turned the country into one of the top emitters of carbon.

read the rest of the article here
It's really difficult to understand how people can plow through the rain forest at such a disturbing rate when they know that they are destroying something that will never, ever, ever be able to recover. They're stealing not only from the orangutans, but from themselves. 

We laughed at orangutans in those purulent Clint Eastwood Any Which Way films, but we won't be laughing when they're gone.
The orangutans are two species of great apes.

Known for their intelligence, they live in trees and they are the largest living arboreal animal. They have longer arms than other great apes, and their hair is reddish-brown, instead of the brown or black hair typical of other great apes. Native to Indonesia and Malaysia, they are currently found only in rainforests on the islands of Borneo and Sumatra, though fossils have been found in Java, the Thai-Malay Peninsula, Vietnam and China.

They are the only surviving species in the genus Pongo and the subfamily Ponginae (which also includes the extinct genera Gigantopithecus and Sivapithecus). Their name derives from the Malay and Indonesian phrase orang hutan, meaning "forest person".

The orangutan is an official state animal of Sabah in Malaysia.

Help Orangutans, please. You can adopt an orangutan here or help reforest an acre of their home.

Orangutan Foundation International

This is a very reliable, trustworthy organization. Here's some about its founder, Birute Mary Galdikas:
At 25, Galdikas arrived in Borneo to begin her field studies of orangutans in a jungle environment extremely inhospitable to most Westerners. Galdikas proceeded to make many invaluable contributions to the scientific understanding of Indonesia's biodiversity and the rain forest as a whole, while also bringing the orangutan to the attention of the rest of the world.

When she arrived in Borneo, Galdikas settled into a primitive bark and thatch hut, at a site she dubbed "Camp Leakey", near the edge of the Java Sea. Once there, she encountered numerous poachers, legions of leeches, and swarms of carnivorous insects. Yet she persevered through many travails, remaining there for over 30 years while becoming an outspoken advocate for orangutans and the preservation of their rain forest habitat, which is rapidly being devastated by loggers, palm oil plantations, gold miners, and unnatural conflagrations.

Galdikas' conservation efforts have extended well beyond advocacy, largely focusing on rehabilitation of the many orphaned orangutans turned over to her for care. Many of these orphans were once illegal pets, before becoming too smart and difficult for their owners to handle. Galdikas's rehabilitation efforts through O.F.I., Orangutan Foundation International, also include the preservation of rain forest. 

The value of Dr. Galdikas's work has been acknowledged in television shows hosted by the late Steve Irwin as well as Jeff Corwin on Animal Planet. In addition, the importance of Dr. Galdikas's concern and work towards preserving Indonesian rain forest has been reinforced by the biofuel article of January 25, 2007, in the New York Times and the November 2008 article in National Geographic magazine, "Borneo's Moment of Truth."
The term "endangered species" has always bothered me. The fact that such a label even exists shows our destructive impact on the earth. We must work WITH nature - not opposed to it - if we are to maintain livable conditions on this planet. And we must ensure that these conditions are for all beings - not just the ones we deem worthy. It's not our place to put one species over another. 

Further reading: "The Vanishing Man of the Forest."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Mongo Like Candy... (part 4)

Holy Crap, y'all. Mongo - the eating machine who will blithely cram anything that even slightly passes as "candy" down his bottomless and greedy gullet - has just discovered what has got to be the perfect candy. Yes. 

The. Perfect. Candy.

Now, if you're like Mongo, you're conflicted about a few things: how to be a glutton - gorging on anything that's not nailed down - and at the same time tread lightly on our planet.  

So when Mongo was just at Ye Olde Healthfoods Kiosk in the West Village - yes, Lifethyme, that purveyor of fine hippie comestibles on Sixth Avenue - he decided to splurge. But splurge responsibly.

Mongo hasn't eaten candy in quite a while. But Mongo's got a freelance project coming up, so he's stress-eating. (Fuck off. It helps soothe his frazzled nerves.)

That's when he saw it - 

Gnosis Chocolate Coconut Almond. Now, nothing makes Mongo freak the fuck out faster than coconut, chocolate and almond. So he snatched this shit up faster than Whitney Houston snatches up crackrock. Bam!

Mongo rushed out of that store with his package of earth-friendly snacks, barely able to contain himself from ripping into the Hippie Goodness that was calling to him from his hemp fabric satchel.

And let me tell you - you can't get more hippie-ish and environmentally correct than this little number up in here. Mongo finally got home, sat down and read the packaging on this bitch.

He felt as if he were attending a Rainbow Gathering right in his very own living room - THAT'S how much this product cares about the environment. Observations made while reading the packaging:
  • Raw, vegan, organic, handmade, no refined sugar
  • 10% of all profits are donated to The Fruit Tree Planting Foundation
  • The box is 100% recycled paper
  • The labels are made from corn
  • "Let's support companies that work hard to improve the health of our bodies, our society, and our planet!" says the packaging. Namaste, y'all.
And this company makes about 927,865 other sensuous flavors - Mayan Heat, Vanilla Hazelnut, Blackberry Mint, Orange Blossom, and Almond Fig Spice, just to name a few of these fly-ass bad boys.

Not able to hold out any longer, Mongo snatched into this dark chocolate love goddess and sampled the bliss.

Well Mongo can tell you this much. This shit is off the chain. OFF THE CHAIN. You want to know what it tastes like? It tastes like a motherfucking Mounds.  You know, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't"? Yes. That's what it tastes like. 

Plus, it doesn't have any artificial shit in it, leave a waxy film in your mouth, come wrapped in plastic, or exploit cows or other animaux up in here. 

In other words, the shit is good. Mongo has spoken. Go get one.

Taking Stupidity to an Entirely New Level.

by Marky Mae Brown

Yes, that pesky douchedrain Aunt Sarah is at it again. 

She isn't content to destroy the forests, wolves and polar bears in Alaska - oh not that one. Since she's already got programs in place to get all the trees razed, put pipelines through once-pristine land, and make sure the entire moose, wolf and bear populations in her state are gutted and draped over her kinfolks' couches, she's got to find some new aspect of nature to destroy.

So what's her next pet project? 

She's suing the United States to take Beluga Whales OFF the endangered species list. Yes. She wants to take the whales off the Endangered Species list. Why? Because protecting those whales will hurt the fishing industry in Alaska. Boo-hoo, cuntbag. The fishing industry's not going to be around for much longer because we've depleted the oceans and poisoned the water to the point that barely anything's left alive.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska— The state of Alaska today formally notified the federal government of its intent to sue to overturn recent protections given to the critically endangered Cook Inlet beluga whale under the Endangered Species Act. In October 2008 the Cook Inlet beluga whale was listed as endangered by the federal National Marine Fisheries Service over the objections of Governor Sarah Palin. The listing occurred following petitions and litigation by the Center for Biological Diversity and other organizations.

Alaska ’s legal action against the beluga whale marks the second time in recent months that Governor Palin’s administration has launched legal attacks against endangered species on behalf of the oil industry; in August 2008 Palin filed suit seeking to overturn federal protection for the polar bear.

And from Reuters:
Former vice presidential hopeful Gov. Sarah Palin said the energy-rich state believes the Endangered Species Act protections for belugas announced in October by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration are unwarranted.

"The State of Alaska has worked cooperatively with the federal government to protect and conserve beluga whales in Cook Inlet," the Republican governor said in a news release announcing that a 60-day notice of intent to sue had been sent to NOAA. "This listing decision didn't take those efforts into account as required by law."

Beluga whales swimming in Cook Inlet, a glacier-fed saltwater channel running from Anchorage to the Gulf of Alaska, numbered as high as 1,300 three decades ago, but has dropped to about 375 since then, according to NOAA.

Alaska's announcement it would challenge the endangered listing drew ire from environmental groups.

"Once again Governor Palin has demonstrated either a complete lack of understanding or lack of concern over the plight of endangered species," Brendan Cummings, oceans program director for the Center for Biological Diversity, said in a statement Wednesday.

Federal scientists believe overhunting by the area's Alaska Native population caused the decline in the beluga population.
What's wrong with this asshole? She makes George W. Bush look like a member of Greenpeace. She won't be content until every living thing in Alaska that isn't a white "Christian" (in cases like hers I use the term lightly - she ain't following the teachings of Jesus) is dead or dying or extinct.

Over-hunting has taken the whales' population down to just around 400.  FOUR HUNDRED.

Aunt Sarah can't be bothered with facts like that, though - she's too busy promoting teen pregnancy and converting gays. You know, important stuff. Stuff that makes America great.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Putting the Money Where the Mouth Is.

by Marky Mae Brown

We live in a world of inaction. What with the internet, cable TV, Fresh Direct, and Wiis, we don't ever have to leave the comfort of our homes or acknowledge that there's a world going on outside of our electronic contraptions and tv shows. So most people probably find this bit of news less than interesting:
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - Amazon deforestation jumped 69 percent in the past 12 months — the first such increase in three years — as rising demand for soy and cattle pushes farmers and ranchers to raze trees, officials said Saturday.

Some 3,088 square miles of forest were destroyed between August 2007 and August 2008 — a 69 percent increase over the 1,861 square miles felled in the previous 12 months, according to the National Institute for Space Research, or INPE, which monitors destruction of the Amazon.

"We're not content," Environment Minister Carlos Minc said. "Deforestation has to fall more and the conditions for sustainable development have to improve."
This article goes on to report that Brazil lost 2.7 per cent of the Amazon rain forest in 2007. 2.7 per cent in ONE FUCKING YEAR!

Now, being a comic book editor in New York City doesn't really give me any experience or advice to offer those people down there except this - "STOP CUTTING DOWN THE FUCKING RAIN FOREST. AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW."

But, as an educated consumer, I can start making choices that will, in theory, keep money away from companies that are allowing this idiotic practice to continue. And I started today. 

Notice that increased demand for soy is one of the main contributing factors to rain forest depletion. I was, initially, going to attempt to ban soy from my life. "Just switch to seitan," I said to myself. But that's next to impossible. So what I decided was, in any case where I'm consciously going to buy a soy product, I am going to make sure it's either sustainably farmed or grown in the United States, where clear-cutting happened centuries ago and I don't have to feel responsible for it.

Wild Wood comes through again! Yes, our friends at Wild Wood Organics, the ones who make that GOD DAMN DELICIOUS fucking soyogurt, also sell firm, extra-firm and silken tofu, and it is 100% completely and totally a) organic and b) grown in the United States. Ain't no god damn Brazilian asshole displacing an ocelot over this shit. 

Tofu is one of the world's wonders, and I am very happy that I can continue to buy it without having it weigh on my conscience. The rain forest is, after all, one of the world's most precious resources - the sooner fuck-dumps realize that and stop fucking cutting it down, the better off we'll all be.

Why Can't I Stop Eating?

by Marky Mae Brown

I try and I try and I try. But I can't stop eating. As a yogi, I'm supposed to be balancing my channels, making sure that the greed from the left and the bitterness from the right smooth themselves out in perfect harmony through the central, or sushumna channel. Yet get me around food, and my left channel says, "Let me at it!"

Take, for example, my recent obsession with Solstice Goji Bars. These bastards are GOOD. Dark chocolate and peanut butter and dark chocolate and cherry and almond are the only varieties that I've tried - but they are both jam-packed with chocolate fabulousness and I can't go through a single day without consuming at least one - and sometimes two - of these fat, highly-caloric fuckers.

I am hoping that this is only residual glee at returning to the United States after 2-plus weeks in a developing country where the only food I had access to was white rice. I hope that soon I'll be back to normal instead of gorging myself on everything that's not nailed down. But really, who am I kidding? I've always been a hog and I probably always will be one. My channels are and always have been out of balance, and it's going to take more than yoga to fix that.

Meanwhile, check out these bad boys:
Dark Chocolate and Peanut Butter Bar
Our best selling bar, the Dark Chocolate & Peanut Butter Goji Bar is a meal in itself…

Of course, dark chocolate and peanut butter is a delectably classic combination, but the addition of dried apples, toasted cashews, and (of course) goji berries takes them to the next level of wholesome, lip smacking goodness.

Aside from being delicious, the DCPB is a nutrition powerhouse, with 6 grams of fiber, 9 grams of protein, 11 grams of whole grains, 800mg of omega-3’s, and a full day’s supply of antioxidants! Great for school lunches or a quick bite while running errands, you get a slow-release source of energy that lasts and lasts…!
Dark Chocolate, Cherry & Almond Bar
A chewy, fruity bar, our DCCA combines goji berries with the richness of Callebaut dark chocolate, the tangy chew of Bing cherries, and the sweet nutty flavor of ground almonds.

And with all that flavor, it doesn’t skimp on nutrition. Each bar has 6 grams of fiber, 7 grams of protein, 11 grams of whole grains, 1000mg of omega-3’s, and a full day’s supply of antioxidants! Perfect as a quick breakfast, it’s equally delicious heated up and topped with low-fat frozen yogurt as an ooey-gooey treat. “Stealth Health”, we call it…
Whatever they call it, the shit is deee-licious.

Smoke This.

by Dimples Doublefist

As many of you already know, I burned down part of my house several years ago (only $25,000 worth), so needless to say I was forced to give up smoking as a full-time occupation. It's been a rough road, paved with a few cigarettes along the way, but I have to admit that the house-fire---unglamorous though it was---ended up being a good thing.

Being a true addict, however, I was forced to find something less dangerous than cigarettes. Let me tell you, it's not as sexy, but just as satisfying: I drink hot tea all day long.

Here's the routine: I get up in the morning and drink two cups of coffee. If you must know, I drink them with a splash (this small measurement holds deep importance for me) of Trader Joe's soy cream. Sugar is nasty. I am happy.

When I arrive at work, I start drinking green tea (sometimes oolong and sometimes white tea, too). I drink said tea from a Mason jar. I proceed to drink cup after cup (which metaphorically means that I smoke cigarette after cigarette) all day long, non-stop. Sometimes, by 5 PM I am totally cracked out. Sometimes my hands shake or I feel dizzy or nauseous---or both. But, like I said, I am an addict.

A few weeks ago, however, I found the beverage of my dreams---thanks to Mongo/Marky Mae: Yerba Mate. I always thought the stuff would taste like a cup of hot dirt water, but it doesn't. If I stick with the cigarette analogy, Yerba Mate is an American Spirit Light. Green tea is a Benson and Hedges Ultra Light 120, which means Yerba Mate is Heaven and green tea is Hell.

My favorite is the Guayaki Organic Mate Chocolatte, which is infused with cocoa and spices. I like it better than smoking, which, if you know me, is saying something. If you throw in a splash of Trader Joe's Plain Soy Creamer, you've got yourself some hot-sex-magic in a cup. Plus, Mate Chocolatte does not cause the crack-shakes, so you can drink with impunity.

Trust Marky, you want some of this.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

This Tree Did Not Die In Vain.

by Dimples Doublefist

I have a giant collection of vegan cookbooks, which is kind of queer considering the fact that I hardly cook. There are multiple reasons for this: 

1. I am lazy 

2. I am impatient and 

3. My standards are impossibly high. 

I want everything I eat to taste like it came from either Candle 79 or Sacred Chow. That's a problem because of #1 and #2. I have said collection of cookbooks because every couple of months I swear off eating out, I purchase a new cookbook, then I proceed to cook for three nights in a row and then, out of boredom and disappointment, return to my old ways of eating out all the time. Rinse and repeat.

Well, let's just say that restaurants in the Nation's Capital suck ass. Yes, there are a few decent things, but pathetically the food is uncreative, over-priced and the biggest sin of all: fattening. That's why I am both bitter and no longer skinny. (Fuck you, Washington, DC).

Anyway, my friend Rancy Nice (since I didn't ask permission, you get a pseudonym) recently told me that I needed Robin Robertson's Quick Fix Vegetarian, which promises that all meals contained therein require less than one half hour to prepare. Rancy also told me everything was incredible. Because I like Rancy, I listened.

Well, I'll be damned.

This weekend I made a seitan (that is encrusted with paprika) with sherried mushrooms and peas; I made a linguine with a red lentil sauce that was garlicky and rich---as if it had been made with cream---and totally to die for. And finally, today I made a red bean and coconut milk based Jamaican stew that is truly inspired and out of this world. Three home runs.

If you're a hippie, I'd run to my local, independent bookseller and get this cookbook immediately. Even though I am a hippie (I am wearing linen pants right this very minute), I had to run to Amazon dot com---where it's only $11---because I needed instant gratification. Indeed, that's what I got.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Two - or perhaps one - views on So Delicious Coconut Milk "Yogurt"


The Lowdown:

Coconuts were made by the goddess herself---a celestial creation whose presence enhances all matter of food. I love the meat, the water and, most of all, the delicious, ass-fattening milk. Just pour that shit down my throat and see if I stop you. During the three years that I spent waiting tables at a Thai restaurant, I ate Massamon curry practically everyday. I never got sick of it. A couple of weeks ago, while minding my own business at Whole Foods, my eyes, like a hawk spotting a mouse miles below, focused upon the new addition to the yogurt shelf. I could have shit my pants. Coconut milk-based yogurt. Instead, I bought one of each flavor.

Do y'all like coconut-infused snot---an overly sweet gooey mess that's hard to swallow, like a phat loogie that you can't suck down? Well, Turtle Mountain seems to think so. They've introduced a vile line of sugary diarrhea intended, it seems, to outdo the soy based diarrhea that's already available at a grocery store near you (Wildwood Soy Yogurt, for the record, is not diahrrhea, but it is hard to find). Seriously, every flavor tasted like the same vegetable: high fructose corn syrup mixed with pureed okra.

If you are wondering how this is possible (Turtle Mountain makes the fabulous Purely Decadent line), well I am too. Consider yourself warned.

Marky Mae:

I was going to write a scathing rebuttal to the above diatribe. I tried two flavors of So Delicious Coconut Milk Yogurt - vanilla and strawberry. 

My only complaint, other than the lip-pursing sweetness, was the waxy buildup that remains in your mouth long after you've taken your last swallow. It's almost as if you've taken a lit candle and dumped the liquid wax into your mouth, allowing it to cool. 

And then I realized - why do I care? Why do I give a shit about coconut milk yogurt, other than the novelty of it, which wore off rapidly after my first bite? Sure, it's not like you're spooning cultured vomit into your mouth or anything, but other products are much better.

And I am not allergic to soy. I love soy. If I could subsist on soy and soy alone, I probably would. Soy yogurts, for the most part, do have a jacked up aftertaste that is akin to battery acid, so I steer clear of them unless I'm just in one of those moods to cram everything on the planet into my mouth at the same time.

This morning, things changed. I was at the laundromat, and, having been forced to scoop leftover cups-full of that rancid ASS-smelling "fabric softener" out of the tray in the one and only available washing machine (I hate that smell. That smell, even the slightest wiff, makes me want to hunt down and destroy whoever came up with the Satanic chemical compound that created it. It is unholy; it does not belong on clothes) before depositing my coins. Frustrated and alone, I decided to walk up to ye olde health food kiosk on Fulton and purchase a kombucha and a banana. 

And then I saw it - they had plain coconut yogurt. I figured I'd give that shit another whirl. But next to it was Wildwood Organics soy yogurt - THE brand, the one everyone's been ululating about for the past several months, the one I had yet to try. 

I picked it up. 135 calories, as opposed to the plain coconut milk's 150. 23 calories from fat, as opposed to the coconut milk variety's 70. I was sold. "All of these vegan gays had better be right," I said to myself as I paid up.

And they were. Not only is this Wildwood Organics yogurt delicious - as far as I could find, there was NO discernible soy to it at all. It had the consistency and flavor of actual real yogurt. 

My one complaint about Wildwood - they have not taken the hippie plunge like other yogurt companies and excluded the hard plastic tops from their containers. The pull-back tops are sufficient and spare the world a fuckload of litter. Wildwood - wake up, please. Plastic sucks.

So fuck that coconut nonsense. If you don't have issues with soy, I say go with this Wildwood Organics shit. Because it is fucking good.

Update - as a test, I baked cookies with coconut milk yogurt to see how they would turn out, and they were just as acceptable as the same variety done with soy milk yogurt. So, in a pinch - coconut milk yogurt is just fine and dandy for your baking needs.

Let me introduce you to your new friend, the cauliflower.

by Dimples Doublefist

This is serious, y'all. I am going to give you the Best Recipe Ever. Unfortunately, I did not make this one up. Plus, I am not going to tell you who did, but suffice to say a very talented chef came up with this one; I have adapted the recipe slightly (I am a bigger fan of spice and garlic). It's one of the most delicious things I've ever stuffed my face with. It's easy and fairly quick, too. This is the recipe that I make at least once a week---because it's amazing.

Look, I know you are thinking that cauliflower is bullshit. 

But let me tell you - it's not. If you associate it with white trash crudite dipped in Ranch Dressing, then you are sadly missing out on its ability to make your mouth sing. And yes, I know what you're thinking: another boring pasta dish. How totally inane. You can shove that attitude up your ass, too - you'll eat those words!

The cauliflower is good for you. It has lots of fiber, folate and vitamin C. Just look at this: "the compound indole-3-carbinol, which appears to work as an anti-estrogen, appears to slow or prevent the growth of tumors of the breast and prostate. Cauliflower also contains other glucosinolates besides sulfurophane, substances which may improve the liver's ability to detoxify carcinogenic substances. A high intake of cauliflower has been found to reduce the risk of aggressive prostate cancer." [Courtesy of our friends at Wikipedia:] Cauliflower will ensure that all your junk keeps working well into old age!

Anyway, so here's the recipe. Cook this shit up tonight. Be prepared to want to eat it the next night and the night after that.

Spicy Cauliflower and Onions with Linguine

Olive Oil
I head Cauliflower (if you are lazy or lame, buy a bag of frozen florets)
1 large Vidalia onion
1 large can of plum tomatoes
5 cloves of fresh garlic (granulated actually works fine, too)
1 heaping tablespoon of hot pepper flakes
3/4 cup of yellow, Hunza raisins (they sell these at Whole Foods in the bulk section--and if you can't find them, regular yellow raisins will suffice)
1/2 cup pine nuts

Saute the cauliflower florets in a generous amount of olive oil until cooked---about 10 minutes. Add a little more olive oil and add chopped Vidalia onion to the pan, cooking until translucent---about 5 minutes. Then sprinkle hot pepper flakes, a generous amount of salt and pepper, and add garlic. Stir around pot for a couple of minutes. Then add pine nuts, yellow raisins and dump the jar of tomatoes in. Use a spatula to break the tomatoes up and stir the dish well. Taste to see if you've added enough salt and pepper. On low, let the sauce simmer for about 10 minutes.

Serve right away over linguine.

This recipe probably serves 4-5 normal people. Or three over-eating vegans.

Bon Appetit!


This is an excellent dinner party recipe because people will think you worked really hard and are really talented---and you won't have to break a nail over this recipe.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A Tisket, A Tasket

PETA sends Bristol Palin a baby gift

Among the many gifts Briston Palin will receive to celebrate the birth of son Tripp is a gift basket from PETA. The animal rights group says since Tripp’s “grandparents never met an animal they didn’t like — to eat or shoot” — they sent some gifts that send a message of peace toward animals and the world. Among the items are a “Give Peas a Chance” onesie and a bib emblazoned with the slogan “Animals Are My Friends.”

“Tripp will inherit a kinder and more compassionate world than the one his grandparents cling to,” PETA’s Michelle Cho wrote in a letter included with the gift. “There is a growing consciousness among people everywhere of how our actions affect those around us, including animals. Helping children understand that animals are living, feeling beings who deserve to be treated with respect and compassion will help them grow up to be kind, compassionate citizens.”
Now, it's nice of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to send Lil Miss Palin a gift basket for her bastard child and all, but I am pretty sure the thought behind the gift will be lost on the Alaskan twit. Bristol was brought up in a family that chants the inane mantra, "If it moves, shoot it" and eats anything that once had a face. 

I can only hope that among the many other gift baskets the daughter of Alaska Governor and all-around idiot Sarah Palin receives is one from Planned Parenthood extolling the virtues of birth control, safe sex and other means to curtail her stupidity. Her mother clearly failed in her task to teach her these things. Besides, the current number of Palins littering the world is more than enough. 

Am I wrong? No, I am not.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Attack of the Killer Chinchillas!

Wow, I don't even know where to start with this one. I have abhorred this posturing, preening, flitting, prissy asshole for years and years, and I didn't even KNOW he was this stupid. 

Yes, y'all. I am talking about fashion icon and all-around idiot Mr. Karl Lagerfeld, the man responsible for turning Chanel into a line of clothing so ugly, tacky and garish that even strippers would be embarrassed to be seen in public in it.

Are you ready for this? 

Here we go. 

Mr. Karl Lagerfeld says it's okay to wear fur because, and this is a direct quotation, the "beasts would kill us if they could." 

Can you imagine a chinchilla gnawing you to death? Can you picture a mink, its mouth about the size of the tip of your pinky, chewing on you until you were dead? No? I can't either. 

The circular logic in the statement is baffling, but the entire interview leaves one with the realization that Mr. Lagerfeld simply must be suffering from the last stages of dementia, drooling onto a couture bib as someone spoons him some mashed peas.

The main issue, however, is this - who cares whether or not a fox, rabbit, mink, chinchilla, and yes - dog or cat (if you think dogs and cats aren't used as fur, you're fooling yourself) - would attack and "eat" us if they had the chance? We have evolved to the point where we are able to make conscious decisions based on what is right and wrong. Raising an animal in filthy conditions, neglecting it, leaving it to spend its life in a cage, just so some stupid cunt can wear its fur after you've anally electrocuted it, is WRONG. It is just plain wrong. 

Mr. Lagerfeld, 75, bleated out his idiotic views on fur in a recent interview, stating that in a world that eats meat and wears leather it is "childish" even to discuss whether or not fur is okay. He went on to argue that, of course fur is okay because there are people who make their living from it. Guess what, you limp-wristed dipshit - there are people who make their living selling drugs to kids. Does that make it okay? Use your brain, and stop using that fucking fan. You look like an asshole.
The Chanel supremo said it was "childish" to even discuss the issue of wearing fur in a world where eating meat was normal.

German-born Lagerfeld, 75, a contemporary of the late Yves Saint Laurent, said that he did not himself wear fur. But he defended the practice, saying there was "an industry who lives from that".

Hunters in the north "make a living having learnt nothing else than hunting", he said, "killing those beasts who would kill us if they could."
The fudge-packing fashionista* made himself sound even stupider by saying he "gets queasy" around meat and can't eat it unless it doesn't look like meat.
"I can hardly eat meat because it has to look like something what it was not when it was alive," he said.

(Read the whole article HERE and realize what a schmegeggy this shithead is.)
But it's okay to pick up a small, helpless animal by its tail and smash its head against the ground until it's dead or at least to the point where it won't struggle while you rip its skin off. That's acceptable to Mr. Lagerfeld.

Fur is gross. Mr. Lagerfeld is gross. I can't even award him the coveted Douche Alert Award, because he's just too egregiously stupid for that one. This rambling nincompoopery goes to a new level of assholeism that few ever achieve. 

Inane Cunt Award, perhaps? Bloviating Buttplug Award, maybe? If you can think up a better name for his personal award, please let me know. I'm all ears.

(* I am allowed to make fun of him in this manner because I am gay and therefore immune to accusations of homophobia. And I'm allowed to make fun of him in this manner because he deserves it.)