Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Animal "welfare" policies.


How can "animal welfare policies" be in place in a factory that specializes in killing animals?

This is yet another example of humans' deplorable behavior toward other beings, and quite possibly one of the most nauseating to date. I can't fathom what kind of sick, sick fucks they find to do this sort of shit willingly on a daily basis, hour after hour, but I hope none of them have children. Shit.
The video, shot with a hidden camera and microphone by a Mercy for Animals employee who got a job at the plant, shows a Hy-Line worker sorting through a conveyor belt of chirping chicks, flipping some of them into a chute like a poker dealer flips cards.

These chicks, which a narrator says are males, are then shown being dropped alive into a grinding machine.

In other parts of the video, a chick is shown dying on the factory floor amid a heap of egg shells after falling through a sorting machine. Another chick, also still alive, is seen lying on the floor after getting scalded by a wash cycle, according to the video narrator.

Hy-Line said the video "appears to show an inappropriate action and violation of our animal welfare policies," referring to chicks on the factory floor.

But the company also noted that "instantaneous euthanasia" — a reference to killing of male chicks by the grinder — is a standard practice supported by the animal veterinary and scientific community.

Company spokesman Tom Jorgensen said Tuesday an investigation was continuing, and once it's completed the company would release more information.
Runkle acknowledged that his group's ultimate goal was to get people to stop eating eggs. He said he believe many would refuse to eat eggs if they knew what happened to male chicks.

"The egg industry is perhaps the cruelest industry on the face of the planet," Runkle said.

Mercy for Animals also sent letters to the nation's 50 largest grocery store chains, including Walmart, Whole Foods, Safeway, Harris Teeter and Trader Joe's, asking them to include a label on egg cartons that says, "Warning: Male chicks are ground-up alive by the egg industry."

Read the whole article here.
"They're just chickens," assholes will say. Naturally, because they can't process that a living being is a living being, and no creature great or small was born to suffer such needless cruelty at the hands of a toothless, brainless shithead who gets off on torturing animals. This shit is just. plain. sick.

Although it is horrifying that these practices are allowed to continue, I at least take solace in the fact that stories such as this one have been coming to light more and more in the recent past.

People NEED TO KNOW where their food is coming from, and what sort of torture and malignancy they are endorsing and supporting when they eat meat, dairy and eggs. I can guarantee that 90% of meat-eating people would give it up completely if they were told that, in order for them to get an omelette, they would have to do what these ass-fuckers have been caught doing.

Hurling babies into a fucking grinder? Unfathomable.

Naomi Campbell - Has-been Doughebag - Drapes Herself in Shame


Tantrum (and cell phone)-throwing cunt has-been model Naomi Campbell has taken on Dennis Basso's Line of Shame and is now modeling furs.

We at YOPV really aren't that surprised - she's shown time and time again that she's an arrogant, self-important, utterly pointless human being who lashes out violently and immaturely when things don't go her way. We hate her.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Worst Product Name In the History of the Universe


This product has replaced Nads as Worst Product Name Ever Award Winner!

PIT PUTTY? What were they thinking while they were brainstorming up this repulsive name? It's an organic deodorant, not something you're going to want to form into a bowl or sculpt into a figurine. The name conjures up the image of smearing big, clammy gobs of grey goo into one's armpits. Not what I want to think of when selecting a product to combat human odors.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Straight from Sacred Chow to my heart.

I'm "friends" with the vegan restaurant Sacred Chow on Facebook, so I'm privy to their shenanigans as or sometimes even before they occur. You can imagine, then, my almost psychotic glee when I saw this status update from the creators of my favorite marinated kale salad:
Sacred Chow ms. fang is molding seitan sausages, which will be wrapped in alum foil and steamed and then served w grain mustard over warm sauerkraut & onions 4 our protein of the day.
FUCK, y'all. I dropped everything I was doing and IMMEDIATELY sent an urgent text message to my Sacred Chow conspirator. We salivated and cried and prayed for the weekend to come so we could sink our teeth into those god damn sausages. And then the moment came. BAM! Check out those fucking sausages, y'all. Homemade! And that mustard - homemade. Off the god damn hook.


And... SHAZAM!


Detailed here, we see our old friend Mr. Marinated Kale Salad, along with some supple, pouting black olive seitan. Next to our tapas is a Charlie Brown Smoothie.

Seriously, y'all. If you haven't been to Sacred Chow yet, you must Run. Screaming. to this place. The waitstaff alone is worth the trip. Where else could you expect a waiter to insert himself into your conversation with, "Oh my god are you all talking about Sarabe from The Lion King?!?" while playing Limahl's "Neverending Story" on his iTunes.

Yes. The place is that good.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It's Almost Fur Time Again, Y'all!


It's almost that time of year again, y'all, where the douche-trickles of New York City and other metropolitan areas will attempt to show how "civilized" and "cultured" and "classy" they are by either a) purchasing new furs or b) dragging their wretched, unholy coats and hats and muffs out of fur storage (hint to dipshits - if you have to FREEZE your clothing in order to keep it from going rancid, you probably shouldn't be wearing it. Morons.).

Now, it's no secret that above everything else in the realm of human stupidity, Marky Mae Brown hates - and I mean HATES - fur coats and their continued production. Are we eskimos? Is this 1472? No. Fur and its production are unnecessary, horrifying, disgusting, loathsome, deplorable, and just plain sick.

Why the hell people can't see beyond their own need for vanity, status and material wealth to the simple fact that fur is torture is beyond me. When I was at a seal hunt protest last year, a fat cunt wearing a fur coat proudly paraded back and forth in front of us, waving her fur as if it were just so fucking funny that she had participated in the needless slaughter of probably 60+ minks. She laughed, she smirked, she shot birds at us. I wanted to kick her smug, ugly teeth down her throat.


I think there should be a rule that if you really want a fur coat, you should have to go to a farm yourself, look at the timid, scared, malnourished creature trembling in an overcrowded cage, stare into its eyes for about ten minutes, watch it as it eats, grooms itself, tries to sleep.

If you can get through that and still feel okay about the fact that it's about to either have its neck snapped and its skin ripped from its body while it's still alive or be anally electrocuted and THEN have its skin ripped from its body, carcass tossed aside for the garbage, then you can go ahead and get your coat. And then everyone who sees you in it will know exactly how bereft of compassion you are - which they should know anyway.

Because people who participate in the creation of fur - on any level - are absolutely bereft of compassion and deserve the horrific karmic seeds they are collecting on a massive scale.

All of you fur-wearing cunts can help save ME from collecting a big boatload of negative karmic seeds by staying the fuck away from me, because my gut instinct when I see y'all is to do something akin to the atrocity you were complicit in committing on those innocent animals.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Jesus Fucking Christ, Y'all.


Okay, I've been on yet another dreary Raw Foods kick - once you start with the raw foods, going back to regular foods makes you feel... what's the word... lame.  I don't know why - I can't explain it. I think starting a raw foods diet, at least for me, puts my brain in 'eating disorder' mode - if I dare eat anything processed at a temperature that exceeds 115 degrees fahrenheit, I immediately feel as if my ass will balloon. Retarded, yes, but whoever said humans were rational thinkers?

Anyway, enough of that drivel.  I'm here to bleat about raw chocolate. The shit is amazing, y'all. And I discovered a new variety yesterday that would make even the most staunch advocate of Hershey's and other purulent, fetid versions of chocolate fall prostrate at the chef's feet, praising him or her for defying all odds and making the most amazing shit in the entire fucking world.  

It's called ChocAlive!. I purchased some yesterday before going to see District 9 - I ain't eating none of that mess they sell at concession stands in movie theaters. (Did you know that the "butter" they use on their popcorn contains condensed chicken feet? True story.) I nestled into my seat and popped open the 'sampler pack' of raw chocolate truffles, and ho-lee fucking shit, y'all, I almost had to get up and leave the theater, my reaction was so strong. I could not believe the smooth, sweet, amazing deee-lite that I had just bitten into was actually raw food. One variety was rolled in coconut, another in cacao nibs, and I think the other was just rolled in raw cacao powder. Whatever they were rolled in, they were all of them - each and every one - off the god damn chain.

Meanwhile, what's all this fuss about raw chocolate that's been going on not just in hippie news circuits but on mainstream news as well? From ChocAlive's website:
ChocAlive! is uncompromising in our standards, using only the highest quality organic ingredients and carefully preparing our products in such a way as to preserve those precious, vital enzymes and nutrients that make ChocAlive! products so inimitably nutritious AND delicious!

Although known to be rich in magnesium and high in antioxidants, conventional chocolate is heated, processed and refined to such a degree that many of these touted healthy components are literally destroyed. While this type of chocolate may taste good, it is usually no longer as nutritious as nature intended it to be. Here's what makes our ChocAlive! products so uniquely healthful:

Prepared at temperatures below 118°F, preserving the integrity of the enzymes, vitamins and minerals of these straight from nature ingredients
Extremely high in antioxidants and magnesium
Contains only wholesome, unprocessed, plant-based sweeteners
Contains NO wheat, gluten, refined sugars or dairy products
Wide variety of flavors and products available without nuts for those with allergies

And here's a good article from msnbc.com on the benefits of raw chocolate. But really - the benefits are not the important part for me. I am a chocolate hog - I always have been. I have been known to eat an entire pound of See's 'nuts & chews' in one sitting and grope for more once the box is empty. So to find raw chocolates - and en ever-expanding selection of brands - emerging in the marketplace - chocolate I can eat without feeling as if I'm going to need to purchase braces to keep my furniture from buckling - is particularly exciting for me. Each ingredient is o so good for you. 

Huzzah for raw chocolate!

Friday, May 8, 2009

On the Road with YOPV, Part 2.

God damn, y'all. MMB's been doin' him some EATIN'.

He met his friend Tracie yesterday morning (and her new French Bulldog Gatsby) and the two of them headed out for a day of excitement. First, they went to the Alcove Cafe and Bakery on Hillhurst in Los Feliz. As they were enjoying their brunch of granola and soymilk, and assorted comestibles, they noticed several celebrities lounging about at various tables - most notably, Mr. Jude Law was sitting at the table next to them and Mr. Lenny Kravitz was a few tables away. Oh, Los Angeles...

After a brief sojourn to the Wacko Soap Plant on Hollywood Blvd., where they witnessed the theft of several expensive pieces of art from the back gallery, they jetted off to Scoops, a purveyor of fine homemade ice cream with a lovely vegan selection.


MMB sampled the banana oreo cookie and the chocolate almond varieties. Both were so god damn good he almost started screaming.

After that, Tracie had to go to pick her son up, so MMB was left on his own. He spent the afternoon drooling over the selection at Amoeba, the best fucking music / movie store on the planet. He bought a Mojave 3 cd and the first season of Popular, because he's, you know, that way.

Afterward, he met his friend Amy and the two went to Cru, the raw food restaurant in Silverlake that USED TO have that god damn banana split that sent MMB into a foaming frenzy. Although MMB was upset that the banana split was no longer on the menu, he decided he would give their other items a chance. And he's very happy he did.

The marinated kale salad with avocado and sprouts was deee-licious. MMB got him some roughage, y'all, and it was worth it. Kale may well be the best food on the planet, just so you know. Vitamin K, calcium, all sorts of shit is packed up in them leafy folds.

Amy got a sampler platter complete with a different variety of kale salad, some tzaziki with cucumbers, cashew nut cheese, some mashed date shenanigans, and beet salad. MMB tried the cashew cheese and it was fucking GOOD.


Check this shit out, y'all. This is raw cashew cheese ravioli stuffed in jicama. So good you would want to order another plate of it immediately after consuming this shit. Garlicky, creamy, fucking awesome - these little bastards are some of the best things ever.

After MMB's initial despondency over the fact that Cru had removed the banana split from their menu, he decided to give the brownie a la mode a go. Holy Fucking Balls, y'all. It's BETTER than the banana split. Yes, you read that right - it's better. The brownie tastes and feels like a regular brownie, and the ice cream and chocolate sauce - SHAZAM!

Today, MMB's going to visit his favorite West Coast yoga instructor Patty at Karuna Yoga on Hillhurst. He can't wait. Then he'll probably saunter over to Ye Olde Vegan Barn for a seitan wrap. But you never know. So many choices.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

On the Road with YOPV, Part I.


Marky Mae Brown was en route to Los Angeles yesterday. He's there to visit friends, hike the mountains, look at the beach, and see the Dead (yes - you don't have to say anything) on Saturday.

He flew Jet Blue, which has a brand new terminal (T5, they like to call it) at JFK International Airport. Now, Marky Mae had to get up at 4:30 to catch this flight and he needed coffee big time. "Oh, I'll just get it at the airport," he said to himself as he tried very hard to wake up. When he got to the terminal, however, he was dismayed to find that not a single coffee purveyor offered soy milk. In New York City. At an international airport. It was the one and only time Marky Mae has ever caught himself actually wishing there were a Starbucks around. He steeled himself for the pain and drank his coffee black.

In a testament to just how retarded Marky Mae actually is, his first stop after he got to Los Angeles was Nature Mart, his favorite health food store in the area. (kd Lang is a shopper here, too, y'all. She's been witnessed in their bulk bin on many occasions.) He purchased a kombucha (he noted there was a new brand available, but didn't buy it because it's in a plastic bottle and that just ain't right) and some of his favorite grilled seitan, and then headed over to the park to eat that shit up. Damn, that seitan was good.

Later that evening, he and his hosts went to an authentic Mexican restaurant in Highland Park at 5511 N. Figueroa St. called Cinnamon Vegetarian. It boasts the curious slogan, "Discover Your Fullness." He discovered his fullness, all right. He ordered the "chicken mole" - it was off the god damn chain, y'all. It featured what tasted like Follow Your Heart 'Chicken-free Chicken (minus the disgusting fake ribs Follow Your Heart seemed to think it was necessary to include). DEEE-licious. The fresh guacamole was delicious, too. All in all, a lovely joint. Sadly, Marky Mae wasn't able to savor any of the desserts ("Made each morning in a labor of love") because of the fullness he had discovered, but they all looked beautiful, y'all.

He's going on several gluttonous excursions while in La Ciudad de Angeles, and will report more as he gobbles his way through this god damn place.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Oh my god. OH MY GOD.

Freddie and Pam guard that Coconut Chai with their lives.

I have just had an experience that bordered on religious, y'all.  

Picture it - I was on my way back from registering for Sri Dharma Mittra's Maha Celebration (featuring the kirtan of Krishna Das) when I decided to stop in and see what the story was with this raw vegan place on 23rd Street - Bonobo's.

Now, I've always figured this place would be awesome since it was named after the only animals (aside from ourselves) who are recreationally bisexual. I mean, these bonobos - if it's got a hole... well, you get the picture. They're frisky animals, those bonobos. (Homosexuality has been documented in TONS of species of animals, basically throwing all of these ignorant "Christians'" blatherings about Gays As Satan's Army On Earth out the window. Honestly, is there a place in Hell reserved for lonely cows who decide to lap a box or two in their segregated pastures? I doubt it very highly.)

Meanwhile, this Bonobo's cafe. I had heard mixed reviews - my friends had gone there, two of whom raved about it. Another friend said it was only "okay." But the other two said she had no basis for an argument, since she had eschewed the made-on-the-spot items for some pre-packaged nonsense that had been sitting in a plastic container for who-knows-how-long.

I didn't have time to fool around with the food. I'm sure I'll go back there later to sample it, especially since I noticed that they feature a marinated raw kale salad. And we all know how much I loves me some marinated raw kale. No, I didn't sample anything other than the... 

coconut chai. 

Oh. My. God. Words cannot describe this stuff. I mean, it's like sipping something that was whipped up in heaven and brought gently down to earth on a pillowy cloud. Sweet, creamy, just absolutely fantastic. You must - and I mean, MUST - run screaming to this place and get one of these immediately. They're right there by the door in the refrigerated compartment. You don't even have to wait! 

So go get one!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Earth Day 2009.

It's Earth Day, so lay off the fucking ham for a change.  

Friday, April 17, 2009

You're Just What I Needed.

Off the motherfucking hook, y'all.


I'm going to admit it - I have an addictive personality. When it comes to desserts, once I start - I just can't stop. I cram desserts down with such force and fervor and intensity that one would think my life depended on it.  

So the very last thing I needed was a purveyor of homemade vegan non-dairy frozen desserts to open in New York City. What I needed even less was TWO purveyors of homemade vegan non-dairy frozen desserts to open in New York City. Yet, that is exactly what I got.

Today I met my friend Jating after work for our Hoagie-a-thon at Sacred Chow. Now, if you haven't been there I would suggest - no, I DEMAND - that you drop whatever you're doing and run screaming for their door and order the following items: 1) dijon-marinated raw kale, 2) the black olive seitan hero. Never in your life will you experience anything as close to divine as those two food items. Well, except for what I'm about to describe to you right now.

So, after we were finished with our meal, I said to Jating, I said, "Hey, howzabout we go and try one of those two new vegan non-dairy frozen dessert purveyors we've got up in here?" because we've been talking about doing that for the past several weeks. She agreed, and off we went. We never expected what happened, though - we witnessed our lives changing.

Stogo. It's at 159 2nd Ave (entrance is around the corner - across from the poetry church). Their atmosphere was a bit stale, like one of those obnoxious frozen yogurt kiosks that is littering our city these days - but who gives a fuck about that. What mattered was the tubs of frozen goo they had behind their counter.

Flavors like "Toasted Almond Joy," "Red Velvet," "Salted Caramel Pecan," "Pina Colada," and "Bananas Foster" were glaring out at us, wooing us with their glistening goodness, whispering into our ears, "Eat me! I am delicious!"

I got "Toasted Almond Joy" and "Salted Caramel Pecan" crammed into a cup. Jating got the "Pina Colada." Let me tell you what, y'all. This shit was SO FUCKING GOOD I can't even begin to do it justice. SO. Fucking. GOOD. Plus, it had no discernible aftertaste at all, as some hippie ice cream substitutes do, nor did it have a weird texture. It was the real deal and it made me want to cry.

After that, we decided to walk to the new Kim's Music and Video location on First Avenue (St. Mark's is too highbrow now, if you can believe that shit. Where once were junkies and hobos there now are yuppies and trust fund cunts. So boring.) After Kim's, we decided just to be total fucking hogs (well, I did, anyway. Jating had no more ice cream) and went to new purveyor of non-dairy frozen desserts number two, Lula's Sweet Apothecary.

Lula's is at 519 East Sixth Street between A and B in the East Village. Let me tell you what - the people who work there are just as cute as a button, and the ambience is ciento por ciento better than Stogo's. Olde Fashioned apothecary signs line the walls, antique bottles and kitchenware complement the decor, giving a sense of time warp. It's like a hippie version of Farrell's. And we all know how much I like Farrell's!

I had the mint chocolate cookie "ice cream." Off the fucking hook. Not too sweet, and divine. Homemade, I might add. Jating got an apple seltzer, and the best part - they use actual seltzer bottles. Glass ones, with dispensers. They get them from one of the last people in the WORLD to supply this shit, and it's super cool to watch them lug those things out and spray seltzer into a glass.

A vegan rampage, is what it was, and it was an awesome one. I highly recommend both purveyors of frozen non-dairy desserts. Get some - it's almost summer!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thee Kombucha Gods Have Answered Our Prayers, Part 4.


It's Superfruits, hands-down, y'all, as the winner of the New Flavors From GT's Taste Test 2009-a-thon.

What's to say about Superfruits - well, let's start by saying that if you like Trilogy (my other personal favorite flavor from GT's) then you will LOVE Superfruits. It's tart, fruity, acidic, carbonated, and ciento por ciento off the god damn hook, y'all. 

What makes this elixir so amazingly good? Well, yumberry juice, goji berry juice and camu camu juice, for starters.  Now, if you're like me, you had never heard of yumberries or camu camu before, so let's take a moment to get acquainted with these little numbers - what do you say.
  • YUMBERRY: Myrica rubra, also called yangmei (Chinese: 杨梅), yamamomo (Japanese: yamamomo; kanji: 山桃; katakana: ヤマモモ), Chinese Bayberry, Japanese Bayberry, Red Bayberry, or Chinese strawberry tree (and often mistranslated from Chinese as arbutus) is a subtropical tree grown for its sweet, crimson to dark purple-red, edible fruit. It is native to eastern Asia, mainly in China, where it has been grown for at least 2000 years, and probably also Japan and Southeast Asia as well. Chinese cultivation is concentrated south of the Yangtze River, where it is of considerable economic importance. In Japan, it is the prefectural flower of Kōchi and the prefectural tree of Tokushima. The plant's name appears in many old Japanese poems.
  • CAMU CAMU: Myrciaria dubia, commonly known as Camu Camu, CamuCamu, Cacari, and Camocamo, is a small (approx. 3-5 m tall) bushy river side tree from the Amazon Rainforest vegetation in Peru and Brazil, which bears a red/purple cherry like fruit. Its small flowers have waxy white petals and sweet smelling aroma. It has bushy feathery foliage. The evergreen, opposite leaves are lanceolate to elliptic. Individual leaves are 3 - 20 cm in length and 1 - 2 cm wide.
You learn something new every day. Whatever the hell they crammed into this, I can tell you this much - the shit is good. Go get you some, hear?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Thee Kombucha Gods Have Answered Our Prayers, Part 3.

Botanic No. 7 - GT's Kombucha's MARVELOUS new concoction that contains hibiscus, orange peel, chamomile, and ginger - gets a BIG FAT THUMBS UP from Marky Mae Brown, y'all. Out of the new flavors, this one is the best he's sampled to date.

But beware, Superfruits has yet to be tasted, and we all bet that one is going to be off the chain in a very big way.

Thee Kombucha Gods Have Answered Our Prayers, Part 2.

Marky Mae is now happily sampling Botanic No. 9 - a spritely, fresh concoction containing bilberry, honeysuckle and red clover. 

While the taste is definitely pleasant, there is nothing that makes this stand out from any other variety of kombucha. So, not hyper-exciting, but it's not akin to drinking unflushed toilet. 

Two more to go, y'all, and then everything's back to normal in Kombuchaland.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Thee Kombucha Gods Have Answered Our Prayers.


Well look who it is - it's that alien-fighting robot and Ye Olde Pompous Vegan's special friend Jet Jaguar! He's always looking for new treats to share with us over here at YOPV, and he's just uncovered some amazing new beverages shot straight down from Planet X for us to enjoy! 

Everyone knows that Marky Mae is an ardent fan of kombucha. He makes his own, and he guzzles the shit as if his life depended on it. So when Jet Jaguar revealed the news that there were four - yes, four - new flavors of kombucha from those geniuses at GT's Kombucha way out yonder in Beverly Hills - why, Marky Mae dropped everything and went on a mission to find those new elixirs!

A bit of background on kombucha for those of you who aren't familiar with its wonders (from GT's website):
Kombucha is alternately known as a Chinese tea, a plant, or a mushroom. But it's not really any of these. It's a living culture of beneficial microorganisms, and in Kombucha's case, the whole is infinitely greater than the sum of its parts! Our Kombucha is delicately cultured - some liken it to fermentation - for 30 days. During this period, essential nutrients form like active enzymes, viable probiotics, amino acids, antioxidants and polyphenols. All of these combine to create an elixir that immediately works with the body to restore balance and vitality. Kombucha has been used for hundreds of years throughout the world as a daily health tonic. The culture resembles a light brown, tough, gelatinous disk and because it's a living, growing entity, it can regenerate and create new cultures with every batch.

And:
We nurture our Kombucha and bottle it in a loving and peaceful facility in sunny southern California. The Kombucha is coaxed into growing in a warm, dark room - not unlike a womb. We believe that, because Kombucha is a living culture, it can absorb the energy of the people who tend to it. That's why we take special care that the people minding our Kombucha cultures are positive, healthful and respectful of the work. This may sound “new agey,” but we sincerely believe it makes a difference in how our Kombucha tastes and how it makes people feel.
Hippies...

Now, Marky Mae had dinner with some friends tonight at the sassy Vegetarian's Paradise 2 restaurant on West Fourth Street. They sampled the salt and pepper "chicken" tenders, the coconut "shrimp" (OFF THE HOOK), and other delicious vegan dishes that were served piping hot by a friendly waiter who countered the malevolence of the harpy who lingered over the hostess station like a serial killer waiting to strike her next victim. After the meal, Marky Mae and his equally-excited Kombucha Kompanion decided to find these new flavors - and as a special treat, we were going to indoctrinate an as-yet-untainted soul into Thee Kult ov Kombucha!

Off to Whole Foods we went.  Boy was Marky Mae going to be PISSED if he got to that store and there were no samples of the new flavors to be had. He told himself he'd act calm and collected so his friends wouldn't know how painfully devastated he actually was, but he knew that his efforts would be see-through.  

Luckily, he didn't even have to try. All four flavors were accounted for, although he initially thought BOTANIC No. 3 wasn't stocked. (His friend dug through the stacks and found one tucked way way in the back! Now THAT's friendship, y'all.)

Marky Mae bought all four new flavors. His Kombucha Kompanion bought a few of the new ones; she had already tasted the SUPERBERRY variety so that one was old news to her.  And their uninitiated friend - she took the strawberry concoction.

After they all checked out, Marky Mae and Kombucha Kompanion watched excitedly as their friend crossed over to the dark side and took her first ever sip ov Thee Nectar ov thee Godz. She loved it, y'all, and with good reason - the shit is off the motherfucking chain. Yay!

Marky Mae restrained himself, however, from dipping into the new flavors. He wanted to be in the comfort of his own home in case his excitement got out of hand.  So now, here he is with variety #1 being sampled.  And the word is - FUCKING AWESOME, Y'ALL.

Botanic No. 3 features an infusion of elderberry and lavender. Upon first taste, Marky Mae commented, "This tastes like a new age bookstore." And he sticks by that assessment. You know what he means - when you walk into the bookstore and there's that particular smell - that combination of incense, hippie musk, dirt, 'essential oils,' and the dust that cakes books no one is ever going to buy? That's what this tastes like, and it is GOOD

Thumbs up, y'all. More reviews to come. You can't expect Marky Mae to drink four bottles of this shit in one sitting.


Tuesday, March 31, 2009

PeTA is a Selfish Pack of Douchebags


People for the "Ethical Treatment" of Animals - instead of being spiteful, power hungry cretins, perhaps you should focus energies on the things you SAY you care about - like, perhaps, animal welfare. 

I think suing an organization that runs a shelter for abused primates, taking in animals that have been experimented on for most of their lives or exploited in entertainment, is pretty fucking sick.  You really need to rethink your actions, because they are transparent and repulsive.

All y'all - read this article, please, and do not give PeTA your money as long as they're foolishly and needlessly attacking other animal rights organizations.
An excerpt:
If dressing up like clan members, exploiting women in protests, investing in the animal industry, or euthanizing 80-97% of 'rescued' animals doesn't change your mind about PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, perhaps their recent lawsuit will get your attention.

Is PETA suing KFC as part of their KFCruelty campaign? Are they suing Lowes for selling moustraps? PETA has decided to take it easy on these guys and instead go after the Friends of Animals animal advocacy organization's primate sanctuary.

Read the whole article here.
Ingrid Newkirk and brainwashed minions - instead of bullying groups that are actually doing something good for other species, why don't you go back to finding some more porn stars or strippers to pose naked for your idiotic publicity whore ad campaigns that we've all grown to despise?

Or, even better, why don't you try focusing on something that could actually do some GOOD for the animals?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

BUSTED!

The Whole Foods on Houston and Bowery is so totally busted, y'all. Take a gander at that photo - "Vegan Honey Jalapeno Barbeque Seitan." What's wrong with that picture?

It's NOT vegan.

For the people at Whole Foods (and the people at Westerly who argued this point with me recently over their "vegan" sandwiches that were prepared with honey oat bread) - the definition of Vegan is as follows:
A vegan is someone who tries to live without exploiting animals, for the benefit of animals, people and the planet. Vegans eat a plant-based diet, with nothing coming from animals - no meat, milk, eggs or honey, for example. A vegan lifestyle also avoids leather, wool, silk and other animal products for clothing or any other purpose.
Now, I will give Whole Foods credit for trying. THIS Whole Foods, anyway. As I've complained before, the Whole Foods by where I work - they just dump shit out and expect you to sit there and read all the ingredients, printed on teeny-tiny cards, in order to figure out for your damn self whether or not there are offending ingredients in their freshly-prepared comestibles. 

The Whole Foods on Bowery and the one on 24th Street - they take the time to label things they think are vegan. Too bad they're wrong some of the time. Honey is an animal product. (If you would care to read more about honey and why it is not vegan, please click here.) 

So, for a vegan to say, "I'm a vegan but I use honey," is as hypocritical as the fartmouths who say, "I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." Fish have bones, fish have blood, fish feel pain when you rip them from the water with a hook through their mouths. Therefore, you're NOT a vegetarian. 

The same goes for bees and vegans. 

Vegans, for the most part, made this choice because they respect all life (and respect doesn't necessarily mean that they LIKE all life) and do not want to cause harm to any other living creatures either through killing or by subjugating their freedom in order to extract various substances from them, use them as laborers or steal products they make. Keeping bees for honey falls into one or more of these categories.

So Whole Foods - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making the effort to supply vegan food, but please please please take the time to educate yourselves before calling something vegan. Someone who didn't have the time to read the ingredients could very well have assumed that since it says VEGAN in big green letters, that your use of the word "honey" was just to make that dish sound like one of the many fattening and gristly appetizers they serve at T.G.I. Friday's and other chain restaurants frequented by stupid fatasses.

And I can tell you - there are vegans who would react a hell of a lot more freakishly than I have over this matter, especially if they had actually taken a bite of it before they realized that it contained that stuff. The very last thing you want is an indignant vegan pitching a fit after having been fed an animal product. I've seen it and it ain't fun.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I LOVE CHEESE! What is it about cheese!


Yesterday I was at a ra-sha-sha book-signing event for President of Friends of Animals Priscilla Feral's new cookbook, The Best of Vegan Cooking*, at the beautiful and glamorous vegan restaurant, Candle 79 on the Upper East Side. Now, a few things struck me as interesting right from the start: 
  • An elderly woman in attendance whose many plastic surgeries had created in her the appearance of an amphibious muppet - lips, eyes, cheekbones, carved beyond recognition. She took great glee in sharing with anyone who would sit by her the many trials and travails she had gone through to achieve this plasticine visage of "eternal youth" that looked more like silly putty stretched tight over a raw chicken than an actual human face. 
And,
  • A wonderful harpist who serenaded the room with classical renderings of such songs as "Angel of the Morning" by Ms. Juice Newton and "Something" by the Beatles. She was a marvel and we all applauded her spiritedly at the end of each song. She blushed and smiled embarrassedly, which made her even more endearing.
Now, after about 20 minutes of schmoozing and hobnobbing with Manhattan's vegan / animal rights / socialite set, we noticed that the waiters were starting to bring out trays of hors d'oeuvres. I hadn't eaten anything at all since the day before, and it was late afternoon at this point, so I would have grabbed fried dung and eaten it if it had been offered. But, anyone who knows of Candle 79's reputation is aware that the appetizers being passed around were anything BUT dung.  

Off. the. fucking. hook. Seitan skewers, chickpea cakes with almonds and plum sauce, seitan dumplings... each was better than the last. I mean, these things were fucking amazing. 

And then it happened - the thing almost every vegan has dreamed - no, PRAYED - would occur in this lifetime. We, the people at this event, were the first people in New York City (and almost in the world) to try out a new nondairy cheese. I didn't know this when I was grabbing greedily at the plate of quesadillas being passed around the space. All I knew was that I was hongry as balls and I wasn't stopping til I was full up. 

But when I bit into that triangle of bliss, topped decoratively with a dollop of guacamole, it was as if the Gates of Heaven had opened up and a shaft of Light had poured forth from God's fingers and landed on my tastebuds. 

This shit was AMAZING, y'all. And I mean, if I hadn't been informed ahead of time that this stuff was vegan, I would have screamed at the waiter for derailing my vegan diet with tainted teat-drippings. 

Let me detail to you the wonders of this cheese. It melts. It has no fucked up aftertaste. It TASTES, FEELS, LOOKS, SMELLS just like cheese. This cheese is NOT soy-based. We were told by someone who was representing the company at the event that the cheese made with tapioca flour, among other all natural vegetable-based ingredients. When we found out that this man was even ancillarily responsible for bringing to us this manna from Heaven, we all circled around him in an attempt to kiss the hem of his garment. 

The cheese is from a company called Daiya. You can read all about it here.

If you do not believe me that this shit was off the chain - and not just from the standpoint of a vegan who misses cheese and will say that anything orange and slime-like that is labeled as a "cheese alternative" is awesome and amazing - you can ask my 100% dairy-enthusiastic friend who attended the event with me and marveled along with me at how fucking awesome this shit was.

Sadly, this product is not yet available in your local comestibles kiosk. They are trying to work out distribution. Let me tell you, it will be worth the wait.

Vegans everywhere will rejoice when this product hits the mass market. Pizzas will again be in our grasp. No longer will we have to suffer through the noxious clots of damnation that make up VeganRella and the alluring but not completely satisfying Vegan Gourmet.

And that will be a happy day.

* Might I suggest that you purchase a copy of this book if you're able and help support a wonderful Animal Rights organization.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Brooklyn Restaurant News


Sad news for Fort Greene, y'all. Urban Spring, the ultra-green, ultra-local and ultra-friendly coffeehouse / sandwich / juice / cookie / vegan baked goods shoppe, is closing. 

I can't even tell you how sad this makes me - I go there every morning for a cup of locally-roasted and really amazingly good coffee. On Saturdays, I get their fantastic (and voted Best Sandwich in New York City by the Vegan Guide to New York City) tempeh avocado sandwich. All of the yogis and hippies in my neighborhood congregate there. But the times - they're a-changin', and the owner said he just couldn't keep going. So sad... he was one of the few truly environmentally responsible business owners I've met.

Now, Fort Greene has lots of vegan options. Red Bamboo Brooklyn is right up the street from Urban Spring, and their menu is almost completely vegan. Their food is so fucking good that I've known people (you know who you are) to make special treks to the neighborhood just to pick up a vegan "chicken" parmesan hoagie. 

And then there's Dao Palate - it's not IN Fort Greene, but it delivers to Fort Greene. It's in the same family as Wild Ginger, and we all know how good THAT place is.

I decided to give Dao Palate a whirl recently. I ordered their Crispy Soy Protein with plum sauce, spinach wonton soup and malaysian curry stew (yes, I was a total hog - but give me a fucking break. I was sick, and you're supposed to feed a cold - everyone knows that.) Absolutely delicious. I highly recommend it.

My trouble with Red Bamboo and Dao Palate comes in their takeout packaging. Plastic GALORE, y'all. Huge plastic containers for their entrees, sandwiches, desserts, soups. And Red Bamboo pokes holes in the lids of their soup containers, rendering them unable to be re-used (Dao Palate does not do this).  I had so much plastic left over from my Dao Palate order that it made my mind reel. 

People always groan, "But all of those containers - they're recyclable! It says so right on the plastic!" 

Yes - in theory, deli containers are recyclable. But, if you check your list of what the New York Department of Sanitation WILL recycle - you'll see that all takeout containers are recycling no-nos. Why, I don't know. But I do know that it's a huge waste of plastic and, given the rate at which New Yorkers take out food from restaurants, an enormous addition to our already grotesquely overflowing landfills. 

Now that the one place I've ever encountered that actually went out of its way to use biodegradable takeout packaging is closing in a matter of days, I'm going to have to seriously limit my takeout practices. 

What to do? Ask Red Bamboo and other restaurants to switch to paper takeout containers. They're not recyclable either, but at least they biodegrade. And that's something.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Coolest Fish In the World...

This is one cool fish, y'all. It's got a transparent head!



Read more about this deep sea marvel HERE.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Off the Hook Raw Foods with Offie Lee

Hi, y'all. I'm Offie Lee, guest-blogging here on Ye Olde Pompous Vegan. From time to time I'll pop by and fill you in on my findings in the world of hippie foods. 

Today I'm all about raw comestibles, and let me tell you what - I can't get enough of these overpriced raw foods! Legend has it that raw foods maintain the natural enzymes that are generally destroyed when food is cooked above 113 degrees. Enzymes = health, or so they say. If it's a gimmick, I'm sold, y'all, because this shit is off the motherfucking chizzain up in here. 

Take, for example, this dr-cow tree nut cream cheese:


You know what's in this? Cashew nuts, salt and acidophilus. Off. The. Chain. It's low in fat and calories and tastes like a creamy and delicious cheese should - sharp and gorgeous. Get you some and find out, if you think I'm joking. 

Now, what could complement such a divine raw vegan cheese product? How about some motherfuckin' raw onion bread? Like Awesome Foods Raw Onion Bread, perhaps?



Let me tell you what - no matter what you think of it now - you have never. and I mean Ever. tasted anything as delicious as raw onion bread. It is so so sweet and delicious and will leave you begging for that dehydrator to hurry the fuck up and pump some more of that greasy goodness out. Off the chain.

Might I suggest the following - get you some Dr-Cow and some raw onion bread, an avocado, a tomato, and some broccoli sprouts, mash the crap out of that avocado and smear both it and the cheese on that onion bread, top it off with some tomato and some sprouts, and have you a good ol' fashioned raw party with fixins! 

You'll feel vibrant and fabulous and be overwhelmed by how deee-lovely and deee-licious raw food can be! Take it from me, Offie Lee!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Seen In New York.


Quite possibly the WORST marketing campaign ever - especially since this particular kiosk, located at 52nd and Broadway in Manhattan, has priced this shit approximately 2 dollars higher than most purveyors of kombucha in New York City.

I drink kombucha every single day, many times a day. Has it improved my health? Probably not. BUT, I love the taste of it. These people at this deli just don't know what the fuck they're missing.  

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Dear Crystal:

I love your name and your low-profile attitude. I love how effortless you are—not to mention how your impact upon the earth is nominal, if not non-existent (You are my hero!). Crystal, you’re such a model citizen--the wind beneath my wings. And, Crystal: The fact that you're vegan really makes me proud and happy.

But, Crystal, I don’t understand your unpredictable ways: one day you’re all about doing what it is you say you’ll do—doing the right thing—and the next I’m left high and dry. Except by high and dry, Crystal, I mean wet and stinky.

Why do you have to be so fickle, Crystal?

I don’t want us to part ways, Crystal. Most of the time, I think we are really good for each other—that is, until I get hot or stressed out like today. I want our relationship to last a long time, but for that to happen, Crystal, you need to meet me half way. That’s all I ask.

XOXO,

Dimples

Friday, February 13, 2009

Want to see what an asshole looks like? UPDATE.

Just to make it clear, Jason Wu has cancelled - yes, you read that correctly - CANCELLED his fur line. 

What Jason Wu said:
"As a result of increased interest and demand from our global retailers, we've decided to put our fur license on hold and concentrate on our growing ready-to-wear business," Wu said.
What that means: so many people called, wrote and screamed at me that I decided that in order to save my career I'd better steer clear of butchering helpless animals so some entitled cunt can drape herself in a gaudy, overpriced shroud of death in order to feel "beautiful."

Thank you, Jason Wu, for caving to peer pressure and (at least on a fiscal level) realizing that fur is horrifying and brutal.

Now if only these stupid bitches and assholes who continue to buy fur would just snap out of it...

I'm posting this video, not because I endorse PeTA, but because more people need to see this shit. Think about this when you're coat shopping, please. Or shoe shopping, or glove shopping, or just plain shopping. 

THIS MEANS YOU, PEOPLE WHO WEAR COATS WITH FUR COLLARS. 


Pledge to go fur-free at PETA.org.

Friday, January 30, 2009


When I was in my mid-20's, broke and destitute, I got a part-time job at a Thai restaurant. I loved Thai food, plus I loved the owners of the restaurant: Vang and Mina. Two very sweet, kind and generous people.

I loved working there. I made a lot of money with what amounted to not a whole lot of work. Plus, I got to eat Massamon curry every day (I seriously ate this curry hundreds of times over the course of the 3 years I worked there). I also got Feng Shui lessons from Mina (whose every spare moment was spent studying it), which culminated in allowing me to Feng Shui her living room. I got to tell my boss that she needed to "hang a prosperity crystal in her north west corner" and to, "goddamnit, turn that fountain around so the positive energy is flowing in the door and not out the window! Seriously!?"

When I started waiting tables, I wasn't a vegan. In fact, it was during a low point in my consumptive life: I was flirting with eating anything that was dead. I won't go into the gross acts of violence I was complicit in; I am trying to forget. I did, however, become a vegan after working there for about 3 months, although my conversion had nothing at all to do with the soup they fed me made of cow cartilage.

Now here's something surprising: my bosses were interested in helping me be a vegan. "Oh, that silly white boy and his eating experiments," they'd say. Vang, the chef, learned to create delicious curry without fish sauce--learning how to dump plenty of salt and sugar into the coconut milk to compensate for the rotten fish. Plus, they introduced me the power of hot sauce, namely Sriracha Sauce--a love affair that continues to this very day.

Sriracha, in my opinion, is the most delicious and versatile hot sauce that exists. Nevermind the neon color, it's good in or on everything. Just the other night, I used it to season a vegetable soup broth (and by season, I mean set it on fire!), and a certain someone I know told me it was one of the best soups he's ever eaten. Plus, if you are a lesbian or a hippie (or both), you can stir it into your beans and rice and witness it's transformative powers for yourself.

One of my uncles, who is possibly a little retarded and probably a little mentally ill, says that hot sauce kills all the germs in your body (yes, he claims all of them), thus making it impossible to get sick. Of course, this is bullshit, but don't let it stop you from a little delicious self experimentation.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Want to see what an asshole looks like?

Take a gander, y'all. Here is a 100% Genuine Asshole:


"Fashion designer" and drooling simpleton Jason Wu, the entity responsible for that heinous sale rack prom dress Michelle Obama was wearing on inauguration night, has stated his intention to create a "significant" fur line.

Our friends at ecorazzi pointed out that this vile bolsa de mierda stated the following on Access Hollywood:
“I’m doing a significant fur collection, and the message will be all about luxury.”
and
"Fashion is also sort of escapism, and women need beautiful dresses to lose themselves in.”
Hey, fuckface - fur is not "luxury." Fur is destruction. Fur is the ultimate fashion faux pas, and you as a young designer should know that.

How about trying to create something for women to "lose themselves" in that doesn't cause the needless death and suffering of another sentient being? It's not that hard... designers do it every day. 

Oh, and that dress you designed for Michelle Obama was fucking gross. I knew I didn't like you - and now I know why.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

GoodTimes Newz Roundup!

Around the news today:

Forests in the Pacific Northwest are dying twice as fast as they were 17 years ago, and scientists blame warming temperatures for the trend, according to a new study.

The study, to be released Friday in the journal Science, is the first large-scale analysis of environmental changes as contributing factors in the mortality of coniferous forests.

The data for this research was gathered by generations of scientists over a 50-year period at multiple sites in Oregon, Washington, California, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and southwestern British Columbia. Seventy-six forest plots, all more than 200 years old, were monitored by scientists doing some of the most rudimentary research -- counting trees.

"It's not a happy story, but, an important one," said Phillip van Mantgem, a research ecologist with the U.S. Geological Survey and the lead author of the study. "These are beautiful places. They do change and respond to their environment, sometimes quickly."

read the rest here
ROTHERA BASE, Antarctica (Reuters) - Antarctica is getting warmer rather than cooling as widely believed, according to a study that fits the icy continent into a trend of global warming.

A review by U.S. scientists of satellite and weather records for Antarctica, which contains 90 percent of the world's ice and would raise world sea levels if it thaws, showed that freezing temperatures had risen by about 0.5 Celsius (0.8 Fahrenheit) since the 1950s.

"The thing you hear all the time is that Antarctica is cooling and that's not the case," said Eric Steig of the University of Washington in Seattle, lead author of the study in Thursday's edition of the journal Nature.

The average temperature rise was "very comparable to the global average," he told a telephone news briefing.

read the rest here


I loves me some cookies. If there's one thing veganism really has going for it, besides hippies, it's cookies. People will bitch and moan about the ass-like properties of most people's tofu scramble, or how some people's cupcakes taste like scabs, but vegan cookies, almost across the board, are Hawaii Fab-O.

Take for example Sticky Finger's Bakery. It's basically an animal product-free shitake hole (that's insultingly overpriced), but their lemon coconut cookies are to-die-for (the chocolate chip are fine, too, but the oatmeal cookies are way too sweet). Cookies were born to shun the exploitation and commodification of our cow and chicken brethren.

Most hip vegans think Isa Chandra Moskowitz's cookies are the gold standard, but unfortunately this is not true. I don't understand why or how because she did, after all, write the Cupcake Bible, which truly is a masterpiece that will stand the test of time and the stupid hipster fad that is cupcakes. For some reason, some of her cookie recipes suck. And not in a good way.

Personally, I am drawn to cookies that are slightly crunchy on the outside, with a center that is chewy and has some bite. Like my men. A cookie can't be vomit-sweet, either, or cause you to feel dizzy or nauseated if you eat more than three. Also, like my men. And if you are baking vegan cookies yourself, well, then, of course you are going to eat more than three, so this is uber important.

The vegan cookie expert is Dreena Burton, of Eat, Drink, Be Vegan fame. If you don't believe me, try her chocolate chip cookie recipe. Just this past weekend, I made her spelt flour-based "You Dipped Chocolate in My Peanut Butter Cookies," which are rich and decadent and completely amazing. Plus, you can pretend that the spelt flour makes them good for you (think fiber)!

Vegans always moan on and on about greenhouse gases, animal suffering, drowning polar bears, blah-blah-vegan-blah-go-vegan-vegan-blah-blah, without pulling out the biggest gun of them all: never underestimate the power of a good cookie.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore.

Ye Olde Pompous Vegan has tried on more than one occasion to get across the point that factory farming is destroying the planet - but we're going to do it again, because it is something that needs to be repeated until dipshits get it through their heads that meat is b-a-d bad. Repeat. B-A-D BAD. Yes, y'all. Factory farms are not only violent, horrible places that inflict misery and suffering on countless thousands of animals, they are also primary contributors to Mr. Global Warming.

Our friends at Ecorazzi pointed out in their blog roundup an article coming out in February's Scientific American regarding this very subject - one most people either ignore or pretend doesn't exist, because they like gobbling down their saturated fat-laden McDLTs and Triple Whoppers more than taking action to save the fucking planet for their children. 

So here we go diggin' one more time. A sample of the article, which can be found in its complete form right up in here:
Most of us are aware that our cars, our coal-generated electric power and even our cement factories adversely affect the environment. Until recently, however, the foods we eat had gotten a pass in the discussion. Yet according to a 2006 report by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO), our diets and, specifically, the meat in them cause more greenhouse gases carbon dioxide (CO2), methane, nitrous oxide, and the like to spew into the atmosphere than either transportation or industry. (Greenhouse gases trap solar energy, thereby warming the earth's surface. Because gases vary in greenhouse potency, every greenhouse gas is usually expressed as an amount of CO2 with the same global-warming potential.)
People make fun of Ye Old Pompous Vegan when this subject is brought up. "I don't care - I like hamburgers," or "fuck the environment," or "cows are dumb and can eat shit," are a few of the things YOPV has heard over the years. But y'all, there's going to come a point where your jokes won't be funny anymore. Just ask Morrissey. And by that point, will it be too late?