Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hamburger Helper For Hippies.

by Marky Mae Brown

If you're a lazy god damn son of a bitch like I am, you want to be able to prepare something in, oh, about five minutes - something that tastes fucking awesome but requires little to no action on your part whatsoever. Because, let's face it - cooking for one is boring. Lame. 

I have a solution! It's cheap as hell, and it tastes deee-licious. Plus, if you purchase the right variety, it has almost no caloric value whatsoever. Observe our friend Jyoti:
Once upon a time, a young girl named Jyoti, born and raised in New Delhi, living in Houston with her Engineer husband (Vijai) and two little children, was studying for a Master’s degree in Nutrition at the Texas Medical Center. Upon completion of Graduate School, she decided to start a business that she could run from home. Prepared Indian style foods of authentic taste and high quality were not available. In modern-day cooking, flavor and nutrition are the important concerns and convenience is very much desired. Recognizing that, and noting America’s intrigue with the tantalizing tastes of India, Jyoti decided to develop Indian style natural foods and sensible fat and salt content and to sell such foods via mail order from home. Jyoti developed recipes for Indian home style foods in cans, and Vijai helped with manufacturing technology for having those foods packed under JYOTI Cuisine India name.
This is some fly ass shit, y'all. I know it's canned and canned food is supposedly "bad" for you because it's processed and blah blah blah. But guess what. I don't give a fuck. As I said, I am lazy.

May I direct your attention in particular to the Delhi Saag - Spinach and Mustard Greens with Ginger and Peppers. One can has 4 servings at 60 calories each. That ain't shit. Especially since a "serving" according to whoever figures this shit out is usually about a quarter of what a real person actually consumes. So bring this shit on, y'all, cuz it is mmm-MMM good. 

Ingredients: Mustard greens, spinach, water, onions, soybean oil, corn meal and corn starch, fresh ginger, hot peppers, lemon juice, and salt. 

Now, I've modified this shit a few different ways, each more awesome than the next. For example - one night, I added in cubed tofu. It was like a mock paneer. Another night, I added some Morningstar Farms Chik'n Strips (totally vegan, y'all) and some Bragg Liquid Amino Acids (I add that shit to everything, thanks to Gina). And yet another concoction involved some fresh steamed kale (steamed in vegetable broth, which makes it extra delicious) so that I didn't feel like I was being TOO fucking gross in eating canned slime.

Try it, y'all. It's like taking a Trek to India. And it only costs $2.79 at Ye Olde Purveyor of Fine Comestibles.

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