Saturday, September 27, 2008


Don't you love how congress just okayed offshore drilling and no one wrote about it or cares? Typical. Here is is, buried with little fanfare under tons and tons of press about Paul Newman, who died today. Is that sad? Yes, of course it is. But this is sad too.

WASHINGTON (CNN) – The Senate overwhelmingly passed a spending bill Saturday that allows a 26-year ban on offshore oil drilling to expire, subsidizes federal loans for automakers and offers aid to Gulf Coast hurricane disaster victims.

The House already passed the $600 billion stop gap funding bill on Wednesday. The bill, which passed the Senate on a 78-12 vote, will continue government spending at the current level through March 6, 2009.

President Bush is expected to sign the measure.

The end to the ban on oil drilling off the Atlantic and Pacific coasts is a major victory for Republicans. Speeches at the Republican National Convention last month were often interrupted with chants of "Drill, baby, drill."

The ban will be lifted October 1.
Say goodbye to those coral reefs.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hamburger Helper For Hippies.

by Marky Mae Brown

If you're a lazy god damn son of a bitch like I am, you want to be able to prepare something in, oh, about five minutes - something that tastes fucking awesome but requires little to no action on your part whatsoever. Because, let's face it - cooking for one is boring. Lame. 

I have a solution! It's cheap as hell, and it tastes deee-licious. Plus, if you purchase the right variety, it has almost no caloric value whatsoever. Observe our friend Jyoti:
Once upon a time, a young girl named Jyoti, born and raised in New Delhi, living in Houston with her Engineer husband (Vijai) and two little children, was studying for a Master’s degree in Nutrition at the Texas Medical Center. Upon completion of Graduate School, she decided to start a business that she could run from home. Prepared Indian style foods of authentic taste and high quality were not available. In modern-day cooking, flavor and nutrition are the important concerns and convenience is very much desired. Recognizing that, and noting America’s intrigue with the tantalizing tastes of India, Jyoti decided to develop Indian style natural foods and sensible fat and salt content and to sell such foods via mail order from home. Jyoti developed recipes for Indian home style foods in cans, and Vijai helped with manufacturing technology for having those foods packed under JYOTI Cuisine India name.
This is some fly ass shit, y'all. I know it's canned and canned food is supposedly "bad" for you because it's processed and blah blah blah. But guess what. I don't give a fuck. As I said, I am lazy.

May I direct your attention in particular to the Delhi Saag - Spinach and Mustard Greens with Ginger and Peppers. One can has 4 servings at 60 calories each. That ain't shit. Especially since a "serving" according to whoever figures this shit out is usually about a quarter of what a real person actually consumes. So bring this shit on, y'all, cuz it is mmm-MMM good. 

Ingredients: Mustard greens, spinach, water, onions, soybean oil, corn meal and corn starch, fresh ginger, hot peppers, lemon juice, and salt. 

Now, I've modified this shit a few different ways, each more awesome than the next. For example - one night, I added in cubed tofu. It was like a mock paneer. Another night, I added some Morningstar Farms Chik'n Strips (totally vegan, y'all) and some Bragg Liquid Amino Acids (I add that shit to everything, thanks to Gina). And yet another concoction involved some fresh steamed kale (steamed in vegetable broth, which makes it extra delicious) so that I didn't feel like I was being TOO fucking gross in eating canned slime.

Try it, y'all. It's like taking a Trek to India. And it only costs $2.79 at Ye Olde Purveyor of Fine Comestibles.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Soup Is Good Food.

by Dimples Doublefist

For breakfast and lunch, these are the questions I ask myself (listed in order of importance):

1. Will it make me fat?
2. Is it vegan?
3. Is it inexpensive?
4. Will it make me want to take a nap after I eat it?
5. Will it make me stink?
6. Will it kill my dogs when they finally force me to hand half of it because they've given me the Evil Puppy Dog Eye and abused their telepathic superpowers (that means it can't contain grapes, raisins, chocolate, onions, macadamia nuts or onions).

Like Jennifer Coolidge and my significant other, I eat a hell of a lot of soup; I also do a lot of talking and not talking--especially at work. And I am ashamed to admit it, but a lot of said-soup is Dr. McDougall's Right Foods. Let me just get this embarrassing detail out of the way: it's the kind of soup that's dehydrated, with a pull off top. They are frequently on sale for $1.29, and I keep them well-stocked at work. All I have to do is add hot water and voila!

Here's the thing: these soups do not taste like shit*, but they are not delicious either. They are decent, and I embrace mediocrity in all aspects of life. However, they meet all the important criteria: they are fat free, vegan, cheap, inoffensive, and my dogs LOVE them. They totally go all Lady and the Tramp on the Hot and Sour Noodle Soup; it's precious!

Since all of us may be eating at the soup kitchen together in the very near future, I recommend getting some practice in with Dr. McDougall.

(But stay away from the Split Pea...because it looks like diarrhea. Just sayin'.)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

How Corporations Are Working to Save the Environment.

It's good to know that in these days of increasing fear over our limited resources, corporations - those supplying us with our daily needs - are taking into account the preciousness of life and reworking their products accordingly.


NEENAH, Wis. - If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Read the rest up in here.
Just what the Lazy Assholes of America need - three-ply toilet paper. For fuck's sake.

Friday, September 12, 2008

This just about sums it up...

We were alerted to this by our friends over at Ecorazzi - the green gossip site, and, well, it just sums everything up perfectly. So here you go.

Bust a MOVE, Pamela Anderson. Bust. A. Move.

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall.

by Dimples Doublefist

Look at that precious baby. I know I'm no professional photographer or anything, and this might not be a Glamour Shot, but you know damn well that's a pretty baby. I know you want to eat that baby.

A few months after I moved to DC, I stumbled onto the best vegan pizza I've ever sunk my teeth into---and it's right in my neighborhood, so I can eat it anytime I goddamm well please. That pizza is from Astor---a quaint little restaurant that sits right beside Yes! Organic Market on Columbia Road. It's the best kept secret in DC.

As the saying goes, the devil is in the details and this pizza contains melt-in-your-mouth eggplant, a sauce so rich and garlicky (without being overwhelming) that it makes your mouth water, and a hand-tossed, brick-oven baked crust that is unparalleled. Let me tell you: I have eaten the shit out of this pizza and my love affair is not even close to being soured. No one could ever get sick of eating this shit.

I know there are haters out there---people who can't imagine a pizza that tastes delicious without cheese. But I dare you to not fall in love with this one. This love is guaranteed.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Wouldn't you rather have MEAT?

From the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali:

Obstacles occur when the mind is distracted,
and this can be caused by illness, fogginess of the mind,
having doubts, carelessness, and laziness
And by mistaken views of the world
that are left uncorrected,
failing to reach specific levels,
or not being established in them firmly.
Geshe Michael Roach's translation explains: "Our culture today has its own massively mistaken ideas of the world, and these cause all the hunger, poverty, sickness, and war in the world. If our people's view of the world is causing pain to others and ourselves, then we must look for a better one, one that works. If it doesn't work, we cannot simply continue to follow whatever we learned as children, whether it came from parents or schools, churches or governments."

So, what does all this blathering, hippie crap have to do with anything?

Well, I bring this up specifically in regards to red meat consumption. And our duty as a society to right a wrong that is not only detrimental to our physical health, but to the health of the planet.

"I like hamburgers," people say. Guess what - so do I. I'll go one step further - I LOVE hamburgers. I used to eat those things Every single day. Hamburgers were one of my favorite things about being alive.

But, like lots of things that I love - cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, Madonna - hamburgers turned out to be bad. After reading scientific proof that cattle farming is irrefutably tied to global warming - and this was YEARS before the UN's global warming report came out - I gave up red meat.
The 414-page United Nations report Livestock's Long Shadow concluded that the livestock sector is "one of the top two or three most significant contributors to the most serious environmental problems, at every scale from local to global." The report suggested that the livestock industry should be "a major policy focus when dealing with problems of land degradation, climate change and air pollution, water shortage and water pollution, and loss of biodiversity."

Meat Is the Number One Cause of Global Warming
According to the U.N. report, raising animals for food generates more greenhouse-gas emissions than all the cars, trucks, trains, ships, and planes in the world combined. The livestock sector is one of the largest sources of carbon dioxide and the single largest source of both methane and nitrous oxide emissions. Nitrous oxide is about 300 times more potent as a global warming gas than carbon dioxide. According to the U.N., the meat, egg, and dairy industries account for a staggering 65 percent of worldwide nitrous oxide emissions.
read the rest of the article here
Then there's just the idea that we, as thinking rational beings - the "pinnacle of evolution" - should be able to overcome our desire to murder other beings for food and for clothing. We've progressed beyond any of this being necessary.

Ahimsa is a lovely concept to grasp and enjoy. Put simply, ahimsa is nonviolence to any living being. It's a practice that makes you a better person.
Ahimsa (Devanagari: अहिंसा; IAST ahiṃsā) is a Sanskrit term meaning non-violence (literally: the avoidance of violence - himsa). It is an important tenet of the religions that originated in ancient India (Hinduism, Buddhism and especially Jainism). Ahimsa is a rule of conduct that bars the killing or injuring of living beings. It is closely connected with the notion that all kinds of violence entail negative karmic consequences. The extent to which the principle of non-violence can or should be applied to different life forms is controversial between various authorities movements and currents within the three religions and has been a matter of debate for thousands of years.

Though the origins of concept of ahimsa are unknown, the earliest references to ahimsa are found in the texts of historical Vedic religion, dated to 8th century BCE. Here, ahimsa initially relates to "non-injury" without a moral connotation, but later to non-violence to animals and then, to all beings. The idea emerges again in the Hindu texts Mahabharata and Manu Smriti, where ahimsa is said to be merited by good Karma. Though meat-eating and slaughter of animals are criticized by some Hindu texts, other texts present counter-arguments in support of hunting and ritual sacrifice. In the 19th and 20th centuries, prominent figures of Indian spirituality such as Swami Vivekananda, Ramana Maharishi, Swami Sivananda and A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami emphasized the importance of ahimsa. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi applied ahimsa to politics, by his non-violent satyagrahas.

Ahimsa in Jainism emphasizes vegetarianism and bans hunting and ritual sacrifice. Jains go out of their way so as not to hurt even small insects and other minuscule animals and make considerable efforts not to injure plants in everyday life as far as possible. In accordance to this policy, eating of some foods, whose cultivation harms small insects and worms as well as agriculture itself, is to be abstained from. Violence in self-defense, criminal law, and war are accepted by Hindus and Jains. Though ahimsa is not used as a technical term in Buddhism unlike the other two religions, it condemns ritual sacrifice and war and moral codes emphasize the importance of not taking life.

read the whole article here
Why am I being so hippie-ish today?

Because I am a hippie. I am a hippie who believes that all sentient life on this planet has a right to exist in its own circle of being without being trodden on by other sentient forms of life. When rednecks devastate a forest that is home to an endangered species and claim their rights to the land supercede those of the animals - they are displaying extreme ignorance. One animal - whether it's a bird, a slug, a roach, a mosquito, or a human - does NOT have more right than the other.

If humans could get over their egocentric idea that they own the planet and other animals are just guests, then maybe we could get this place back in shape and keep it beautiful and clean for future generations of ALL species.

One way to start this process is to cut the fucking meat out of your diet. Animal farming - factory farming especially - is causing massive destruction.

Red meat - like cigarettes, alcohol and Madonna - is horrible.

Not only in what it does to your body, but what it does to the planet. But, like cigarettes and alcohol, lots of people just can't get enough of it. Ultimately, letting the red meat stay on the cow is the best way to show your adoration. Sacrifice is hard - but sacrifice is necessary.

We've got to reshape society to overcome "meat love" if we want to survive. That's just the way it is.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Salty Balls.

Disregard that part about "seafood meal" enjoyment, or pretend they're talking about nori.

Mmm-MMMM! I just waddled over to the Westerly Natural Foods - my favorite purveyor of organic delectables in Manhattan - and ventured into the raw foods aisle to retrieve a snizzack that would satiate my desire for something sweet without adding girth to Mr. Waistline. 

What I found was "Temple Balls II" - an all-raw, vegan and certified organic snack from our friends at Glaser Farms, way down in Miami, Florida.

Ingredients - "organic medjool dates, organic raw almonds, organic sesame, celtic sea salt, organic spices."

I rolled a few of these balls around in my mouth for a hot minute before coming to the conclusion that these are the best balls I've had in quite some time. They get a big, fat thumbs-up from me, y'all. 

By the way - yes, there really IS a difference between Temple Balls and Temple Balls II.

Glaser Farms differentiates them thusly -

Temple Balls: "Surprisingly moist and delicious."

Temple Balls II: "These yummy little balls have a grown up taste that even kids clamor for. All raw."

Get your hands on these balls if you know what's good for you. This shit is fucking good.

Retards at Work and Play.

Sarah Palin Wants a McDonald's Here.

I did not watch the RNC because the mere mention of that Alaskan cunt's name makes my hands ball into fists involuntarily.

The moment I read of Gopherz picking her as his running-mate, my stomach immediately cramped into an acidic knot of doom, misery and horror. I was so nauseated by that news that I had to get up and leave my apartment, walking around Fort Greene park and looking at the trees and dogs in order to calm the fuck down. Because, basically, Sarah Palin stands opposed to trees and dogs. Especially if they get in the way of her greedy and idiotic quest to rape Alaska's virgin territories in order to suck the limited supply of oil out of the northern territory to "end our dependence on foreign oil."

I did not watch the RNC. But I know they were all chanting, "Drill, baby, drill!" in a brainwashed, short-sighted, idiotic cacophony of Wal-Mart shopping and meat-gorging shame.

These people just refuse to think. They refuse to grasp the concepts that oil dependence is a large contributing factor to this planet's rapidly decreasing stability. They refuse to figure out that once you destroy a forest, it isn't going to grow back. They refuse to stop to consider that animals - in this case, polar bears and wolves - are beautiful sentient beings that deserve their homes just as much as we do.

"Drill, baby, drill" is a mantra being heard around the country because these people fear change. They are afraid of a new approach - one that would create jobs and help us clean our air, rivers, forests... one that would pave the way to a cleaner, healthier planet for their children and grandchildren. Fear stops us from doing lots of things, but in this case, it's a fear we MUST overcome.

What's the big deal about electric cars? What's so wrong with wind energy? Why do these people make fun of this stuff as if it's something that one would read about in the sadly-defunct Weekly World News? These alternative energies and means of transportation have not only been proven to work, but are also NECESSARY if we don't want to end up living in a hell of our own doing.

Some scientists say it's already too late to do anything about our eventual downfall. I am too optimistic to grasp that concept, surprisingly. But it's coming up fast... and with schmegeggies like this ululating out their brainwashed idiocy with the glee of a child on Christmas day, it's going to be a fucking hard fight.

But we have to do it. We HAVE to stand up to these big-business turds. Sarah Palin's statement that she "doesn't believe" the science that proves global warming is manmade says to me that either she hasn't read the UN documents on global warming, or she's so entrenched in the oil business and its profits that she just doesn't care. Scientists from around the world accumulated that information - it wasn't, as dipshit conservatives blather, a "liberal agenda." It is proven. It is a fact.

We have to defeat Sarah Palin and Gopherz. If we don't, she and her minions of money-grubbing asswipes will wreak even more intense havoc on our beautiful planet than we've suffered in the hands of Dipshit McGee and his asinine eight years of reversals and inaction.

"Drill, baby, drill" - y'all need to wake the fuck up.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Burritos In the Mornin' Make Me Happy

by Dimples Doublefist

Is there anything you love, but you know there's no particularly good reason why? Whatever it is might not suck, but you know it doesn't deserve its own haiku--much less a sonnet. You love it just because you love it: maybe it evokes some childhood memory or a fun vacation. It's one of those things you probably love privately--like Beyonce or masturbation.

Anway, that's how I feel about Amy's Breakfast Burrito. I seriously never tire of them. When they are 2 for $4, I buy copious amounts and stuff them into my refrigerator at work. If they become slightly boring (which they really never do), I buy a jar of salsa and dunk them in it. They have potatoes, tofu, salsa, black beans, peppers and onions. It's the trifecta, even if that's more than three perfect things.

In general, I could take or leave Amy. Some of things taste like downright shit. I do love that cheeseless pizza a whole lot, but unlike Stumps who is completely enamored by that rice crust/Follow Your Heart vegan cheese pizza, I'd rather be locked up here in my office all day and smell my boston terrier's diarrhea farts. In other words, I despise it.

What Amy's product do you love?