Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sticky Fingers


by Dimples Doublefist

A few years ago, I was sitting around minding my own business when I noticed an ad for Stinky Fingers Bakery in Washington, DC. I think it was VegNews magazine and I think they had bestowed some sort of prize and/or honor on them. But I remember this crystal-clear: there was a picture of a sticky bun.

And since I love Sticky Buns like lesbians love folk music (complete devotion), I knew right then and there I had to have one. I did what any desperate addict would do: I told the BF that if he really loved me, he'd buy me a tray of sticky buns and have them mailed to North Carolina [The real 'Secret' is that, in order to get what you really want, it's best to be both direct and manipulative simultaneously].

Well, the answer to that question was obvious: not only did I receive a tray of sticky buns, but I also got a whole tray of Little Devils---the creme filled, chocolate sandwiches. Sadly, though, when the box arrived, there was icing all over the place; it was a gooey mess. The whole thing was a substandard packaging nightmare. But I know you don't give a shit about that.

Well, the sticky buns were drier than the Mohave, and they basically tasted like something out of one of those supermarket cinnamon rolls that are fun to burst open and bake. In other words, they are fun in theory but taste like ass. I hold this opinion to this day: they are dry, and for a sticky bun, they lack density, flavor, richness. Why the fuck eat something called a "sticky cinnamon bun" if it isn't actually sticky? The Little Devils, on the other hand, were amazing. The chocolate was rich and moist and the creme was smooth and dreamy. Dee-lish.

Now that I live here, I am sad to report that the place is still a mixed-bag. Most vegans here won't be honest and tell you that. They'll go on and on about the place, but I am convinced that either their taste buds choked to death on one of their disgusting bone-like cookies or their standards are impossibly low; that is to say, they are used to eating sand.

The Corvin is sort of the white version of the Little Devil---with an oatmeal cookie-esque out layer. It's way, way too sweet, but the flavor is good. They have deli sandwiches that are as uninspired as they come---faux tuna, faux deli meat, chickpea salad sandwiches---but they are not awful. They also have this faux egg mcmuffin thingy that, I have to admit, is tasty. They are, however, very expensive. In fact, everything at Stinky Fingers is expensive---right down to their (very small) $5 cones of vegan soft serve. The place might cater to smelly fixed-gear-bike riding poseur punks, but only the ones with dough to blow.

I am told that the custom cakes at Stinky Fingers are exceptional, but I can't comment on that because I haven't tried them. Given the crazy ass prices, I probably won't. They are, indeed, very pretty, though, and that alone counts for something. (Plus, I don't know why they don't spend more time decorating the cafe; it's hideous, with it's slight swirl of pink that's supposed to resemble, I suppose, either garish icing or Peptol Bismol dripping down the sides of the wall).

After all the shit talk, I do go there occasionally, but it's mainly out of White Vegan Guilt: shouldn't I support a vegan business, even if it's not particularly awesome? Well, yes, I suppose I think I should.

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