Sunday, August 17, 2008

Mongo Like Candy... (part 3)


All right - we'll just admit it. Mongo is a fucking pig. I mean, he'd eat shit if it was dipped in chocolate. So if he sees something that sounds even moderately appetizing and is vegan, most likely he'll obsess over it until he buys it and gobbles it voraciously, even if it tastes like blended compost.

Observe:
This weekend, Mongo consumed:

  • One pint Organic Rice Dream Orange Vanilla Swirl

  • One pint Purely Decadent Coconut Craze

  • Two -yes, two - Rice Dream Frozen Pies (chocolate and mint)

  • More, but he's trying to modify the list so y'all don't realize how much of a pig he truly is. I mean, this shit is fucking gross.

  • So it should be fairly obvious - Mongo likes his junk food. A lot. So when he saw Smart Treat Chocolate Almond Joy, he snapped that motherfucker up asap. It looked delicious, two little chocolate cups just a-hankerin' to be eaten by a big, fat junk food hog like Mongo.

    And then he read the label.

    Asheville again.

    What is it with these hippies? You know, Mongo used to live in Asheville. Mongo sometimes wishes he STILL lived in Asheville. But Mongo knows that if he DID still live in Asheville, he'd be working in an assembly line or at a coffeehouse, spending his evenings chainsmoking, getting drunk, dropping acid, and boning rednecks. that's just how you operate when you're in Asheville. It is a laid back town.

    This snackfood had something going for it before he even opened it - memories of Mongo's past.

    Mongo had consumed Smart Treat snacks (like the Chip Of Everything Cookie -"so good it'll make you want to fuck" - that should be this cookie's slogan), but never this variety. He had enjoyed their previous efforts, so he assumed this one was going to be just as fucking awesome as the other vegan comestibles the Smart Treat wizards had whipped up down South.

    Then Mongo took a bite of the Chocolate Almond Joy. Thumbs down, y'all.

    This shit is so sweet even Mongo didn't like it. I mean, the sweetness makes it difficult to even figure out what this shit tastes like - that's how sweet it is. Totally uncool.

    The texture is velvety and gorgeous. The chocolate melts in your mouth. The center is moist and divine. But you never get to enjoy it because you're too busy cramping up and bloating from the sweetener (brown rice syrup, the label says). It could kill you, this thing.

    So, Mongo was disappointed. Mongo loves candy, y'all, but Mongo doesn't love the Chocolate Almond Joy from Smart Treat in Asheville.

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