Sunday, August 3, 2008

Marky Mae Brown Presents, Part II:

Y'all - it's been a while since the last Taste Test report, and a lot has happened since then, let me tell you.

I'm finally OFF the non-dairy frozen desserts, thanks in part to the reemergence of les handles d'amour and the fact that consuming this much superfluous, nutrition-free crap runs in exact opposition to everything for which I am supposed to stand.

That doesn't change the fact that I love this shit, though. I love it with all my heart. If I could, in good conscience, I would spend every waking hour of my existence spooning this shit down and watching Star Trek reruns until I was dead, but alas, that cannot be.

So now all I have are memories.

Memories of a time when my friends and I gathered 'round, spoons in hand, and sampled many different varieties of non-dairy frozen desserts while basking in the effervescent glow of Patrick Swayze as he danced his way into Baby's heart in that timeless classic film, Dirty Dancing.

Our last report was on Good Karma Organic Rice Divine Very Vanilla, and that brand was met with mixed feelings. (I have, since the taste test, grown VERY fond of Good Karma Organic Rice Divine's chocolate chip variety, but that's another story.)

Our next brand was Purely Decadent made with Coconut Milk Vanilla Bean. This was the flavor everyone was clamoring to get their spoons dug into. It sounds fucking awesome, it looks amazing, it emits an aroma that appears to have been pumped right down from Heaven. We all gave it a pre-tasting thumbs-up.

But how did it rack up to our discerning palates? Well, let's take a gander.

Uuaq: "Smells coconutty. Like everything made with this tropical seed fruit, it reminds me of suntan lotion. The lingering aftertaste is unpleasant. The texture is normal but a little reluctant to wash away - so there's a waxy, chemical mouth-coating aftertaste."

Ja Qui Qui: "Fluffy. Good coconut taste. No vanilla taste. Good for coconut, bad for vanilla."

Fuddles La Roux: "Smells like coconut air freshener. The taste is pure coconut - delicious, but no fucking vanilla at all. The texture is smooth and creamy and has an actual ice cream likeness. Overall, god damn good, but not vanilla."

Ms. Mina: "Smells like suntan lotion. Creamy. Tasted more like coconut than vanilla, but yummy."

Marky Mae Brown: "Deee-licious. Great texture. No vanilla flavor whatsoever. Tastes like coconut."

Beccers: "I'd rather have a coconut frozfruit. Bland, slimy and no vanilla-y-ness to speak of. Me no likey."

So it would appear, for the most part, that although this shit doesn't resemble vanilla in any single way whatsoever other than its color, we enjoyed it. It's got 150 calories per serving, with 8 grams of fat. As an added bonus, this shit contains no processed sugar - it's sweetened with agave nectar.

We all licked our spoons clean and enjoyed the sensation of being transported to a tropical paradise.

Well, everyone except Beccers. That Beccers is a tough one to please, so we'll see if she ends up giving any of this bullshit a good review. She was so ready to be offended by this bean, cashew, rice, and coconut-based nonsense that she brought two huge things of Hershey's syrup with which to drown the pain and sorrow.

Stay tuned for Part III!


Dexter "Misty" LaRue said...

I want to know what Beccers thinks of that raw stuff Marky Mae raves about. I know she'll hate it. I bet she'll throw the bowl at Marky Mae for making her eat it.

Marky Mae Brown said...

A sneak prevue - Marky Mae was the only person at the testing who didn't have the urge to vomit while eating the raw cashew gelato. Marky Mae immediately wished he has reserved the entire container for himself.