Friday, July 11, 2008

Rice Yogurt = CRAP

A friend of mine told me recently that she was considering going vegan but was addicted to yogurt and therefore was struggling with the idea of dropping that one particular item from her daily existence. Now, as someone who has had to give up addictions to Diet Coke, McDonald's Extra Value Meal #4s, American Spirits cigarettes, booze of any variety, and other things best not discussed in a publick forum, I understand her struggle very, very well.

"What about soy yogurt?" I ask. "Many companies make soy yogurt, complete with them fly-ass probiotics that make yogurt the miracle elixir that is is, and then you don't have to worry about suckling at the teat of an animal from which we should not be suckling."*

"I've tried them," she replies despondently. "The problem is, I don't like soy."

Soy, to me, is a miracle food - a wonder of the plant kingdom that allows me the freedom from carving up bunnies and turtles and cows and frogs and chickens. If it is available in the animal kindgom, there's a soy substitute. I know it doesn't taste the same, and that it's pretty ridiculous for someone to want "meat substitutes" - but fuck off. As the Human League says, "I'm only human - of flesh and blood I'm made. Human - born to make mistakes." Since I was raised cramming bacon, ham, bologna, franks, olive and pimento loaf, hoagies, sausage, and steak down my throat multiple times a day, it doesn't bother me to eat soy products fashioned after these items. Hippie comfort food, we call it.

Meanwhile, my friend won't partake. As I am all about helping people cease their addiction to animal-based products, I try to help her come up with a solution to her conundrum - and then I remember that there is a RICE YOGURT on the market.

And as I was in the neighborhood last night after a VERY refreshing meeting at DC Comics, I decided to perambulate the streets of midtown over to my all-time favorite health food store, Westerley Health Foods on 54th and 8th.

Yes, I picked up some Ms. Lil's while I was there, and another special product that has changed my life and will be reported on in a separate post because it is just about the best fucking shit I have EVER eaten - even beating out Ms. Lil's, but I also picked up a container of plain, simple vanilla Ricera yogurt. I figured I'd try it and give her a report of my findings.

The container is hyper-eco-friendly. The paper is affixed with a little glue dot, and there is a perforation running along the side so one can detach and recycle the paper separately from the plastic container. The top is a pull-tab piece of aluminum, also recyclable separately. This is all very lovely since, although yogurt containers are, in theory recyclable, most sanitation departments do not include them in their lists of items that citizens can place in their recycling bins. Why, I don't know, but that's just the way it is.

This shit's got 180 calories and only one gram of fat - not too terrible, but more than soy yogurt.

All right, so I pull back the top and inhale. It smells like vanilla. No tragedies so far. And then I take a bite. Turns out pulling the aluminum top off that container was like lifting the lid on a toilet that hasn't been flushed for about three weeks.

All I can tell you is that it's about as pleasant as eating a zit. That's right - this shit is fucking repulsive. Grainy, mucus-like in consistency, just plain foul. I would rather eat skidmarks than place this in my mouth EVER AGAIN. After two bites (the first was too shocking to register), I dump this crap right into my compost bucket and wish I could remove the vulgar aftertaste from my mouth.

My taste test a complete and utter failure, I just hope that some company somewhere creates another variety of yogurt for potential vegans who rely on yogurt for their daily happiness. With all of the miracle products released these days made from raw cashews, one would think that could be a possibility, but we'll just have to see.

Steer clear of this Ricera nonsense unless you enjoy balls-out misery. This shit sucks.

* If you're a vegan - run screaming in the opposite direction from Stonyfield Farm's O'Soy yogurt. It's got milk in it. Why they'd bother making soy yogurt and then putting milk in it is beyond me, but I was HORRIFICALLY surprised after placing a spoonful of that bullshit in my mouth and then reading the ingredients list (that'll teach me!).


Vegan Poutine Lover said...

Tell her to try WholeSoy and Co. Obviously, yes, it's soy, but on my tongue, it tastes the least offensive of all the soy yogurts.

Also, those Wildwood Organics Yogurt drinks are the bomb. I love all of them.

Vegan Poutine Lover said...

Oh, and they have frozen yogurt too, and it has one gram of fat and is delicious.

Peter said...

I think Wild Wood's yogurt tastes better (and has better texture) than WholeSoy.

Dexter "Misty" LaRue said...

Oh, god. Peter is right. I forgot about Wildwood. And that's because in Washington DC, you can hardly find it anywhere. Wildwood is awesome.