Thursday, July 17, 2008

Marky Mae Brown Presents:

It is no secret that I am a hog. H-O-G, y'all.

And if it concerns sugar, dessert, extremely fattening ingredients, and all around superfluousness as far as nutrients or health are concerned, you can bet that I'm probably going to like it. My addiction to Krispy Kreme doughnuts is almost legendary; people in St. Petersburg still whisper to one another as I walk past them in Tyrone Square Mall about the time I ate - yes - four dozen donuts in ONE SITTING with my friend Wendy during a particularly rousing viewing of Female Trouble. Think I'm joking? Ask my mom.

But since, at least in theory, I no longer want to die, I have given up those pursuits and replaced them with healthier options. Where once was deep-fried dough covered in liquefied sugar now stands agave nectar, processed soy jizz, and any other number of ingredients that, when combined, create frozen non-dairy desserts.

I still remember the first time I tasted non-dairy "ice cream" - I was with my father at the Maas Brothers in downtown St. Pete for some unknown reason and there was a kiosk selling the new marvel known as Tofutti. This was around 1987, y'all, and I was as far from vegetarian as you could possibly imagine. I would have chased down and slaughtered a hog myself if I thought I could get a slab of bacon out of it. But that didn't stop me from trying Tofutti because I was a) an unrepentant Gobbles the Garbage-eating Goat, and b) outgoing and adventurous in my gluttony.

Well, I hated it. I took one taste of the beany, frozen whip that smirking asswipe behind the counter handed me and felt the need to pour gasoline down my throat and set it on fire to get the lingering horror of that bullshit away from my body, and I mean POSTHASTE.

But years have passed, and I've grown to love our mock-meat-and-dairy items, if only because they act as buffers for when I'm teetering on the verge of forgetting why I became Mr. Vegan in the first place - to help ease the suffering of our little forest, prairie, river, and farm friends. It starts with one person, y'all, and as long as I'm not dependent on the pus-laden drippings of another species' teats, then perhaps I'm saving one vache (as they say in France) from being tormented by some cunt farmer.

Meanwhile, where non-dairy frozen desserts lack animal ingredients, they have a bounty of calories and fat grams, so I try to indulge moderately. In moderation. This used to mean for me eating only ONE tub of it a day instead of two, but I've calmed down a bit and try to steer clear. However, I've wanted to do a taste test of various brands for quite some time to see where they stack up.

Huzzah! That finally came to pass. And it coincided with SWAYZE NATION: that's right, a celebration of Non-dairy Desserts coupled with an evening dedicated to Mr. Patrick Swayze, everyone's favorite mullet-haired action hero / dancer. I invited several friends over to participate, I being the only vegetarian of the group (I don't know many vegetarians up in this piece, y'all - the one who DID say he was going to turn vegetarian after watching "I Am an Animal" and witnessing the true horror that animals go through at the hands of man - well, he pussied out after being tempted by, of all things, RIBS. Faggot.)

Let's meet our judges:

  • Marky Mae Brown - drooling idiot

  • Beccers - a precious angel shot down from heaven

  • Fuddles La Roux - a kid from Florida - investigate cheunh

  • Uuaq - an avid collector of spiders and scissors

  • Ms. Mina - yoga enthusiast and sass master

  • Ja Qui Qui - Ya busca todavia el huevero

  • We (well, I) decided to focus first on vanilla, so we could see how various brands' basic flavor stacked up before we branched out into swankier, more complicated things.

    All of us settled around the table, I gave each member of the Swayze Nation Vegan Frozen Desserts Team (SNVFDT) several slips of paper, a pen, a cup, and a spoon. Then I commenced to dump, brand by brand, frozen non-dairy desserts into their cups, allowing them time to react and to write down their impressions.

    These were not just soy-based desserts! We had soy, coconut, rice, and cashew-based frozen desserts. We were well-rounded in our pursuits.

    Spoons in hand, we sat back, tasted the fuck out of some frozen desserts, enjoyed some, were horrified by others, and watched Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey grind their crotches together in your personal favorite film and mine, Dirty Dancing.

    Here, then, is Part One of the First Annual Swayze Nation Vegan Frozen Dessert Taste Test - and the brand is:

    Good Karma Organic Rice Divine Very Vanilla

    The packaging looks like a pamphlet you would pick up at a KRSNA CONSCIOUSNESS kiosk, but I'm a sucker for hippie shit, so I found that attractive. I snatched this little bastard up with relish and couldn't wait to read the judges' reactions.

    Uuaq: "Like everything made of rice, you just can't escape it - asian grain taint. 'Snap, Crackle and Pop' circle-jerked into my mouth. Texture - ehh."

    Ja Qui Qui: "Tastes like sweet barley malt. Too sweet. This would be a huge hit in an asian supermarket."

    Fuddles La Roux: "Smells like a whiff of mothballs. Taste - none. And I mean NONE. Texture - hippie afterbirth. Overall - Wookiee ass."

    Ms. Mina: "Looks nasty. Color is off-putting. Some kind of weird aspartame aftertaste. Tastes sweet, but not like vanilla. Frozen mushed rice?"

    Marky Mae Brown: "Foamy, not-unpleasant ricey flavor - not gross, not spectacular."

    Beccers: "Tastes like Earth Day. This is why I can't do non-dairy frozen desserts. Tastes like a hippie."

    All that joy with only 150 calories per serving and 7 grams of fat! Mmm-mmm!

    Although not spectacular, I have to admit that as soon as my guests were gone, I opened this motherfucker back up and ate the entire container til that shit was empty, and then wanted some more.

    Next time - Purely Decadent Coconut Milk Vanilla Bean!

    We had the time of our lives, y'all.


    Dexter "Misty" LaRue said...

    I swear to goddess, though, Marky Mae: that Purely Decadent Cocunut--Vanilla is reason to go on. It's a party in your mouth, and not a goddamm hippie party.

    Anonymous said...

    My money (shot) is on the Purely Decadent Coconut.

    Marky Mae Brown said...

    Notes: I just ate the chocolate chip variety of Good Karma and the shit is OFF THE CHAIN. A+.

    n69n said...

    i really like the ORGANIC RICE DIVINE carrot cake flavor!

    it *does* have a weird grainy texture but it tastes so good!

    n69n said...

    also the PURELY DECADENT peanut butter flavor is really good!

    beccerz said...

    I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you! :>