Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

When we're kids, we're inundated with humanized animals in cute outfits and zany situations. Stories about Mrs. Chicken and Peppy the Turtle teach us how to be our best, that we should be true to ourselves. They show us morals, they prove to us that you CAN overcome adversity. Animals talk, they cry, they love each other, they raise their children to be better.

We get children emotionally attached to these animals, then we bash their heads in and teach children to eat their friends.

"Mrs. Chicken saved the henhouse and all the eggs from Mr. Fox so you can cut her head off and eat her legs and her babies," you might as well tell wailing imps as they plead for Mrs. Chicken's life.

That shit is fucked up.

Anyone remember that movie, The Lion King? Simba the Lion is stripped of his rightful place in the order of animals by his scheming uncle, only to learn that he has the power within him to overcome evil and take his place as leader of the Pride?

Simba was the symbol for an entire generation of kids. To this day, Simba's internal struggle inspires children to be their best. You'd think that the so-called "king of beasts" would be safe from the Happy Meal treatment, but alas, he is not.

What would you do if you went into a restaurant and were perusing the menu for a delectable appetizer only to come across this word - LION. Would you think, "Surely that's just a cute name for this concoction," or "who are they kidding? No one in their right mind would actually eat that shit, would they?"

Well, guess what. If you walk into The South Philadelphia Tap Room (obviously in Philadelphia), you can actually order LION. Yes, LION. In a fucking puff pastry.

You know the type of asshole who thinks consuming this is okay - fat, dumb fucks like that turd from Bizarre Foods, one of the most horrifying programs I have EVER watched in my life. They're snotty 'gourmands' who think that if it's esoteric and expensive, they HAVE to try it.

(I have watched Bizarre Foods once. ONE TIME. And in the 36 seconds that the program was allowed to be on my television, I saw that bloated assfuck eat a frog that had, live, been RIPPED IN HALF and turned inside out by a Japanese "chef." He then consumed some sort of dried newt beverage. I almost vomited. That image is emblazened on my brain. No animal should have to go through something like that so a pompous shithead can say he's "tried everything." That disgusting, slobbering asswipe should be stripped of his clothing and dropped into a pen of wild animals so they can have a sample of some of HIS flanks. I hate his guts.)

This South Philadelphia Tap Room - my friend The Vegan Poutine Lover pointed it out to me yesterday, and is as horrified as I am that it is allowed to serve lion.

Lions, of course, are endangered animals. Not only are they endangered animals, they are beautiful animals. They deserve more than to end up in a god damn puff pastry so some stupid piece of shit can feel trendy while he "watches the game" in a fucking pub.

Vegan Poutine Lover called this place. It turns out these lions are raised specifically so fuckmouths can turn them into puff pastries. Who ever heard of such a thing? It's gross enough that turtles, cows, ducks, chickens, buffalo, and all other livestock have to suffer such a fate.

Lions. Who is fucked up enough to raise lions for meat? Who is fucked up enough to want to BUY lion meat to sell in a restaurant in Philadelphia - and who the hell is so devoid of any sense of decency as to actually ORDER lion meat?

Imagine a kid raised loving Simba going to that restaurant and seeing his or her shithead parents ordering the Lion Medallions.

I'm pulverized by this latest thing, I really am. Just when I think humans can go no lower in their quest to destroy the animal kingdom, I find out shit like this.

I beseech you to call (215.271.SPTR (7787)) or email this restaurant at info@southphiladelphiataproom.com to voice your thorough and complete disgust that they would reduce Simba and his friends to a fucking puff pastry. While you're at it, tell them that bull testicles belong on the bull, not in people's stomachs.


Vegan Poutine Lover said...

The chef at this place is the ultimate Happy Meat guy, so it's important to tell him to get ALL the animals off that menu--and focus on that yummy-sounding Tofu Napolean. I love it that there is vegetarian poutine, too. Right up my alley.

Marky Mae Brown said...

What the fuck is poutine? Never mind. I'll look it up. That's why we have this here internets to begin with.

Marky Mae Brown said...

Holy crap, poutine sounds good.

And yes, ultimately it would be splendid to be able to get them to remove ALL meat - but given the world we live in, and the fact that this place has the term "tap room" associated with it - I like to start small. Tap Room conjures to mind fatasses playing darts and microwaving hot pockets in their spare time.

Dexter "Misty" LaRue said...

Poutine, the vegan kind at least, is delicious. It's Canadian White Trash.

Fuddles La Roux said...

Eating Lion meat is EROTIC.

Marky Mae Brown said...


You stupid piece of shit.