Monday, June 16, 2008

Happy Birthday, Gunts.

The Olsen twins.

They resemble something you would release from a fishing net. They look like a yet-undiscovered species that is rooting through the mud in some swamp, sucking at tubers in an attempt to gain nutrients.

I have never understood the allure of these two.

What I DO understand about these two malnourished, talentless, skeletal twats is that their affection for wearing the pelts of other animals is unsurpassed in the celebrity world.

So psychotic is their need to drape themselves in fur that was ripped off hapless, trapped animals that I'm sure they would have the very last remaining snow leopard tracked down and murdered if they thought it would make a nice lining for whatever hideous creation they were intending to throw on for the evening.

Meanwhile, as much as I tend to think PeTA's tactics are a little jejune, I DO like it when they go after fur-flaunting celebrities. These assholes deserve what they get. It's times like these I wish those animal rights activists were still running around dumping buckets of paint on people.

The slots, referred to by PeTA as the Trollsen Twins, are getting the what-for they deserve:

"Thin-twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are about to get some publicity that will have them running away faster than if they'd spotted a calorie"
AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Because they're skinny.

Apparently, Twat One and Twat Two are 22 now (as of last Friday, actually) - old enough to grasp the concept that trapping and skinning an animal that is quite probably still alive is just downright gross. However, they seem to attempt to accessorize every outfit with some swatch or another of dead animal flesh, the results of which usually make them look like particularly affluent hobos.

In a flagrantly egregious assault on decency, good taste and fashion sense, and as proof that they have at most one functioning brain cell between them, they have been spotted on more than one occasion wearing mink coats with jeans. Now, to me - a mink coat with jeans is the ultimate insult to the animal. You might as well be wiping your ass with it. Just plain tacky. TACKY. I mean, low rent.

Why am I yodelling about fur at the onset of summer's most brutal months? Well, primarily because of a publicity stunt Peta2, PeTA's youth wing, is pulling at the moment. They're asking concerned animal rights tots, tweens, teens, and twenty-somethings to mail clippings of their cheveux to the emaciated dullards as a "birthday present" along with this simple note:
"Please, use my hair instead of the animals'. Happy Birthday."
They've also got some vicious online content like Full House of Horrors and Dress Up the Trollsens.

Will their plan to get the anorexic dipshits to lay off the fur work? I doubt it. BUT, I hope children clog their management's mail with hair clippings and nasty memos.

Mary-Kate and Ashley - I have news for you. You two, for whatever reason, have a huge following among little girls. Somehow, you've fooled them into thinking that you're cute, innocent, fun-loving girls who have whacky adventures and love baking and cuddling. The rest of the world knows that you're chainsmoking, trampy morons who couldn't handle college at NYU, the United States' dumping ground for rich hipster kids who want to do nothing but pollute Manhattan with their idiotic, unoriginal insights and bad fashion sense.

As role models to little girls, you two have a responsibility to teach them the difference between right and wrong. So here's a primer for you.

Right - don't skin kittens, bunnies, beavers, ponies, newts, bears, cougars, leopards, minks, nutrias, Flipper, cows, dogs, or any other animal of any kind ever for any reason EVER.

Wrong - sashaying around the joint looking like emaciated, coked-out whores with furs of all kinds draped haphazardly about your bodies as if you got dressed in the dark.

You two skanks should have your teeth slapped out.

Thanks to Lil Chrissy for alerting me to this article up in cheunh.


Lil Chrissy said...

You tell 'em!!!

earfulofcool said...

It's eerie how much they look like those troll dolls we had in middle school. I wish I could meet one of them. I would grab her in my hands and twist her around really fast until her hair stuck out.