Sunday, June 1, 2008

Bite Into Ass


As I was meandering along Brooklyn's Street of Shame - also known as Fulton Mall - this morning on the way to meet a friend for brunch, I saw yet another disgusting example of why everyone in the world is a great big fat ass.

Yes - it is the Indiana Jones Double Whopper - a delectable burger the miracle workers at Burger King have whipped up in honor of Dr. Jones' successful return to the big screen in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

If Dr. Jones had been eating slabs of misery such as this, he would have died of a heart attack years ago attempting to heft his bilious ass orbs out of his La-Z-Boy in search of conch fritters and baby back ribs.

Thankfully, Dr. Jones avoided such grotesque examples of gluttony and survived long enough to be a thorough and complete badass well into his 60s. If only the American public would follow his example.

The Indy Double Whopper features the tag line, "Bite Into Adventure!" but what it should read is "Bite into Ass!" This two-pattied sandwich of doom also features bacon, "blackened cajun mayo" (a condiment excreted directly from Satan's anus, from the sound of it) and pepper jack cheese.

Now, there is no nutritional information available for this "limited offer" sandwich, but a regular Double Whopper with Cheese features the following glowing recommendations:

  • 1010 calories
  • 24 grams of saturated fat
  • 2.5 grams of trans-fat
  • Add to that the necessary "value meal" accessories - french fries and a drink - and you get a whopping 1800 calories. That's without the bacon and the special mayo, mind you. That's ONE MEAL that adds up almost to a full day's recommended caloric intake.

    How many people do you think add a shake to that, or whatever other balls-out concoction of shame Burger King offers on its dessert menu? Plenty.

    Indiana Jones wouldn't touch this fucking meal with a ten-foot pole, and neither should anyone else.

    We've already got enough people shuffling around with their thighs grinding together ready to burst the seams of their too-tight jeans without Burger King adding this sort of bullshit temptation to the unnecessary and revolting foods idiots consume on a daily basis.

    Why don't y'all try eating some kale or bok choy or something for a change? Damn.

    Fuck Burger King.

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