Thursday, May 1, 2008

Prosimians of the world - Unite and take over.

Let me tell you what - I am madder than a Southern Baptist at a Gay Pride Parade right now over this god damn Madagascar: Back 2 Africa movie.

Of particular note in my disgust is a character named Maurice.

As I was sitting at my desk the other day pondering the plight of my friend the Aye-aye, it occurred to me. I said to myself, I said, "Wait a minute... what if there's a fucking aye-aye in the sequel to that piece of shit Madagascar movie?"

I knew deep down there was going to be one. Much like Princess Leia knew that whining turd was her long lost twin, I could sense it.

Sure enough, when I went to the Internet Movie Database, I saw it. Maurice. Voiced by Cedric the Entertainer, no less.

MAURICE. Maurice the Aye-aye. I find this unspeakably offensive for a number of reasons - not the least of which being that I don't want my favorite animal (other than Nizzles) turned into a mass market commodity.

Not only has DreamWorks taken one of the most endangered animals in the entire world and debased it by turning it into a cartoon character which I am sure is a stupid comic relief sidekick, they've also gone and named the fucking thing Maurice.

I've seen the trailer - and the thing they're calling an Aye-aye - it sure doesn't look like one. It looks like a fat, stupid raccoon.

And I hate to point it out to the research geniuses at DreamWorks, but Aye-ayes are nocturnal - meaning they only come out at night - and clearly, your Aye-aye is all up and at 'em and ready to go under the blazing Malagasy sun. Jackasses.

I don't know. I'm in the minority here, I am sure, but it seems really gross to me to make a light, funny film about Madagascar, an island that is suffering the ravages of human greed and deforestation along with the potential for mass extinction of several endemic species that the world will never, ever see anyplace else.

It would be great - fantastic - if there were even the slightest bit of educational value involved - but, having suffered through the mullarkey that was the first film, I know that isn't going to happen.

What IS going to happen is a bland rip-off of Chicken Run that is chock full of hip hop, "urban slang," ugly animation, and a huge marketing campaign involving premiums from several fast and junk food giants.

Oh, and licensed products. Which, of course, will be Made In China and add to the rape of the world. Kids will buy the merchandise, but they won't know the plight of the real animal.

They won't know that in Madagascar, Aye-ayes are feared and killed on sight by superstitious people. They won't know that Aye-ayes are forced to scavenge for food in settlements, opening themselves up to further killing, because their natural home - the rain forest - is almost completely gone.

We don't need plastic "pull n go" Maurice figures, or Maurice pajamas or Maurice Action Pla-Sets. We need real aye-ayes to be protected.

DreamWorks, I hope you're planning to take some of the millions of dollars in profit you're going to make by dumbing down one of the most beautiful places on the planet and put it to good use by sponsoring some rain forest over there or by educating people.

Maurice and his friends need help, not Happy Meals.

Yes, I know I'm a crank. Give me a break - I like to complain.

Buy and read this book, please.

1 comment:

Opportunity Knocking said...

How about, instead of the above sour-grapes rant, you use the "Google-juice" this page has regarding Madagascar and aye-aye's and such to promote your agenda? Use that ranking to help point out to folks just where it is that they can get the very education you claim that they need to make things better...

Anyway, no offense intended, but it sure seems like you have somewhat of a bully pulpit, so you might as well use it to create some of what it is you'd like to see. Don't wait around for a giant movie company to do it - because that just ain't gonna happen. Good luck!!!