Friday, May 30, 2008

I want mine with LOTS of cheese!

The realm of vegan cheese is, for the most part, a harrowing maze of waxy, bland blocks of goo that add little flavor but lots of fat to your meals.

And, let's face it - vegans who say they like most of this shit are saying it because they have to. To admit vegan cheese failure would be to admit that you really do miss your former life suckling at the pus-encrusted teats of farm animals, despite your various protestations to the contrary.

But let's review a few things:

Rice cheese = balls.
Almond cheese = balls.
Soy cheese = balls. Tastes like murder in your mouth.
Veganrella = MASSIVE balls.
Tofutti slices = Acceptable. BUT Tofutti contains partially-hydrogenated vegetable oil and saturated fat. "Big deal," I say, but some people seem to give about such nonsense. Tofutti is also the only marginally edible soy cheese slice that does NOT contain any milk-derived products.
Follow Your Heart = deee-licious when used properly. Melted, it rocks the god damn house. Dump this shit on nachos or on a pizza and you'll feel as if you've died and boarded a rainbow on an express trip to heaven. Straight out of the package - you might as well be lapping at a pile of congealed fat. Yes - that's its consistency.

Top those facts off with the knowledge that most "vegetarian" cheeses contain casein - a milk-derived protein that helps the cheese maintain a more meltable, cheese-like consistency - and you have a big pile of revolting bullshit that tastes more like a tofu-flavored candle than cheese.

I love trying new things - the weirder the better. So when my friend Dustin started burbling over the wonder, the modern miracle that is Dr-Cow Tree Nut Cheese - well, I simply HAD to find some!

Dustin is as perverted in his quest for vegan delights as I am, so his glowing recommendation screamed to me, "Drop everything you're doing right now and trundle up to ye olde comestibles kiosk and purchase a block of this shit and I mean RIGHT NOW."

So I did. two weeks ago, as a matter of fact. I purchased their soft cashew cheese. The ingredient list - raw cashews and probiotic cultures. That is IT. One, two. No casein, no food coloring, no bullshit. And it is raw.

I grabbed that container and rushed home with it, ready to smear its contents on a pita and give it a taste test. My initial reaction was shock - it tasted like no vegetarian fromage concoction I had ever consumed before. It tasted like cheese. Not faggot grocery store cheese, but actual, real, sharp, moldy cheese. The shit was fucking good. I ate that whole container in about sixteen seconds.

I searched for DAYS to locate the other variety available at ye olde comestibles kiosk but they were sold out. Then, I went to Westerly - you know, the place with Ms. Lil's Cheesecake Lover's Cheesecake - but that shit costs $12.99 up there. Ain't no way in fuck I'm paying 13 dollars for a spoonful of cheese - I don't care how good the shit is. So I waited.

Then, a few days ago, I happened into ye olde comestibles kiosk to purchase some yerba mate for my morning rituals (I drink two pots of yerba mate chaque matin as I prepare to be assaulted by the outside world's unrelenting and omnipresent idiocies) when I noticed that not only had they replenished their supply of the soft tree nut cheese, but now featured the "aged cashew" cheese as well.

The aged cashew was the variety Dustin had deified in his missives, so I made a note to come back and get some.

In conversing with another friend, Peter, I mentioned that they had dr-cow in stock over at the kiosk. He rushed over to get some, and wrote a glowing review:

Dr. Cow aged cashew cheese is delicious! It's hard to figure out how describe it, but it's kind of like a fruity sharp cheddar. It has that nice bite of a cheddar (which even Sheese and Cheezly didn't get right, in my opinion), but there's this kind of fruitiness to it also, a fermented fruitiness that's almost wine-like.
I wanted some RIGHT NOW.

But I didn't get any until today. "Aged cashew cheese" is indeed its name. Same ingredients as the soft variety.

I bought a thingy of it with a box of hippie crackers gaily named Mary's Gone Crackers (sorry, that brings several situations in John Waters' early films to mind) - themselves delicious.

I popped that plastic container open, slapped a slab of that god damn cashew cheese onto that cracker and crammed it right into my mouth. Damn, that shit was good. Again, it tasted like actual cheese. This is some fly-ass shit, y'all.

Half that block was gone in about 3 minutes. Then, to test its appeal, I asked one of my coworkers, Jenn, to come in and taste this shit. She's not vegan, though she has hippie-food leanings. She really liked it. Loved it, actually. (I was going to use a direct quotation, but i lost it.)

I consumed one final cracker with this cheese on it, and tapped it off with a phat bottle of kombucha.

And I maintained control - a trait I rarely exhibit when it comes to these new food products. Generally the shit is gone in moments. Like a vacuum I am when it comes to pervert vegan foods. Now I have a little over half that block of cheese (the thing is tiny - I'm not THAT much of a hog) to eat later.

All I can say is - thank CHRIST there's finally a vegan cheese that doesn't taste like sac. Dr-Cow gets a fat thumbs-up as far as I'm concerned.


jenn said...

that shit was awesome! you may have actually encouraged me to kick my cheese addiction. the crackers were pretty fuckin' delicious as well!

Michael Diamond said...

if i was vegan i would starve to death