Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Baking is totally FIERCE*!

So you want a muffin, but you don't want to stand in a queue at the fucking Dunkin' Donuts with a bunch of stomp-down, milk-guzzling tramps, giving money to the "man" and sending the message that fast food culture is a-okay in this asswipe country.

What do you do?

Well, you could buy some pre-fab bullshit muffins that taste like dirt, OR you can throw caution to the wind, grease up that muffin tin, and whip up a batch of these fly-ass bastards that'll make you drool for YEARS.

Vegan Pumpkin Muffins

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/4 cups bran flakes cereal - smash the BALLS out of this crap, or it will make little pockets in which unmixed flour can hide - totally uncool

  • 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

  • 1/4 cup agave nectar. Say you don't like agave nectar - you can use 1/3 cup brown sugar

  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

  • 1 tablespoon baking powder

  • 1 1/4 cups vanilla soy milk

  • 1/4 cup melted hippie butter substitute, like Spectrum Naturals Spread. This bullshit works FABULOUSLY in baking.

  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

  • 1 cup pumpkin butter


  • Directions:

  • Preheat the oven to 375 deee-grees

  • In a mixing bowl, mix all that dry shit up. Then, stir in all the liquid crap - it's easiest to put all the liquid shit into a pot and heat it together when you're melting the hippie butter substitute. Spoon all this shit into a pre-greased muffin tin.

  • Bake these motherfuckers at 375 for 35 minutes - then do that toothpick test. If any goo comes out on that toothpick, you need to stick those bitches back in the oven for, say, five more minutes.


  • There you go. Now you've got some good god damn muffins that, due to the use of the agave nectar, won't give you that gobby, shitty sugar feeling. Mmm-MMM!

    A note - you can make any kind of muffin you want with the above recipe - just substitute the pumpkin butter with whatever. Bananas, apples, chocolate chips, blueberries, goji berries, whatever. If you like the muffins sweeter, switch the soy milk with apple juice.

    Baking is FIERCE!*

    *No, I do NOT use the word 'fierce' in general conversation. I am mocking homosexuals.*

    *Yes, I AM a homosexual, so you can't accuse me of being homophobic.

    5 comments:

    uuaq said...

    WOW. Those look real good! I will try that recipe promptly. Thanks for the insight, Pompous Vegan!

    sue said...

    Dy just brought home some of that Organic Blue Agave Sweetner. She loves it.

    Marky Mae Brown said...

    It's the best crap ever...

    Dustin said...

    Maybe you and Miss Sedaris can go into business together: she can make the oppressive cheeseballs and pus-laden cupcakes and you can make the enlightened ones. Ya'll can talk about the batter makin' yer pinky all stinky.

    Ben and Amy's Stinky Cupcakes and Muffins?

    Marky Mae Brown said...

    That's just about the best idea ever!