Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Moment I wake Up - Before I Put On My Makeup

Tons O' Fun chanteuse Aretha Franklin is making headlines again - this time on PeTA's 'WORST DRESSED 2008' awards.

Aretha the Hutt was chosen as the winning offender for wearing what must have taken well over 200 dead animals - she's got a lot to cover, that lady. After gorging herself for the past several decades on fried goods, cake, pie, Blizzards, Snackwells, Twinkies, and leg of lamb, this once Rubenesque hitmaker has turned into what can only be described politely as a mammoth FAT ASS.

Cheeks chafing, she giddily wraps herself in her yards-long death shroud before going out for a night on the town, and she looks hideous, obnoxious, selfish, and downright grotesque in the process.

Many uninformed jackasses out there post to celebrity blogs that the animals should be "proud" that they're being made famous by these celebrities - uh, do you think a fox, mink, nutria, raccoon dog, or one of those adorable little chinchillas gives a frog's fat ass who's going to be wearing THEIR skin, which was ripped from their bodies while they were potentially still ALIVE?

"Oooh, please, Beyonce! I will happily volunteer to be anally electrocuted knowing that the part of my corpse that hasn't just been thrown in the garbage will be draped across your shoulders in a photo shoot. We'll look fierce!"

I don't think so.

Skinny people look horrific in fur - fat people just look ridiculous. This attempt at glamour does NOT transcend the waistline, Aretha - it just makes you look MORE selfish than the skinny person wearing a comparable wrap of gore and misery.

Other nominees include dipshit faux goth rocker Marilyn Manson, Kylie Minogue (who should know better), that drunken harlot Lindsay Lohan, and a few other cunts and cockholes who should be run over, stabbed, bludgeoned, gassed, and maimed.

Take a gander at PeTA's list here: Assholes Taking Fashion in the WRONG Direction.

And watch Martha Stewart's cute little video on that page. She may be a thieving whore, but she's got heart.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

What a beefy hip!

Mmm-mmm, y'all - just take a gander at some of the products that were part of the largest beef recall in US history!

• Various weight boxes of HALLMARK MEAT PACKING BEEF HEARTS.

• Various weight boxes of HALLMARK MEAT PACKING BEEF CHEEKS.

• Various weight boxes of HALLMARK MEAT PACKING BEEF PLATES.


• Various weight boxes of HALLMARK MEAT PACKING BEEF LIPS.



• Six-gallon containers of HALLMARK MEAT PACKING BEEF BILE.

• One- and six-gallon containers of HALLMARK MEAT PACKING BEEF BLOOD, .2% SODIUM CITRATE ADDED.
That's some good eatin' right there. Nothing says "America" to me like a six-gallon container of beef bile.

The joke in this recall is on all y'all meat eaters, though - this shit's already been eaten!

It's just too, too divine! Simply tres chic!

Has anyone else been subjected to the horrifying, pedestrian, cliche-ridden, five minutes of filth that make up the Kung Fu Panda trailer?

If you've been spared, you're lucky. Let's just say that Hollywood has come up with yet another dreary way to transform animals into a channel through which they can sell a plethora of tacky licensed products from lip balm to plastic plates and cups, Happy Meals, shoes, and any variety of toy you could possibly envisage.

Most likely, all of this shit will be manufactured in China - home of the endangered Giant Panda, and also the second-highest polluter in the world (running close behind the United States, and catching up rapidly).

The irony will be lost on most people, I'm sure, but I can guarantee you that several thousand acres of land once populated by giant pandas have been razed in order to build the factories that are going to make these cheap, shitty and ultimately doomed-to-the-bargain-basement toys.

The Chinese government seems to have a penchant for destroying landscapes and animal populations to set up their little factories. Just ask the Chinese River Dolphin.

Wait, you can't - they're extinct.

As the panda waits for its time in the hip hop-laced, slang-babbling cinematic spotlight, another animal is still basking in the glory. Yes, I am talking about the penguin.

Featured in March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Madagascar and Surf's Up, the penguin is a children's staple these days. They just love those penguins and their wacky antics.

What children don't know - and probably won't learn because we like to keep this sort of news a secret - is that penguins are at risk of the same sort of decimation as their northern permawinter compatriots, the polar bears.

Yes - global warming is going to kill the penguins. From Time Magazine:

A new report by French scientists in the Proceedings of the Natural Academy of Sciences finds that king penguins could be wiped out over the coming decades due to global warming. Led by Yvon Le Maho, a physiologist at French National Center for Scientific Research, the team of researchers followed 456 adult birds with radio transponders implanted beneath their skin. Over an eight-year period, the researchers correlated survival rate to changes in sea surface temperatures, and found that in warm years, penguin chicks were less likely to survive the lean months of winter, because there wasn't sufficient fish to feed them. (Warmer temperatures seem to lower fish populations in the Southern Ocean, off Antarctica.) Adult survival rates dropped as well in warmer years. Ultimately, the scientists report that a 0.47 degree F increase in the temperature of the Southern Ocean — considerably below current forecasts for the next several decades — would reduce penguin numbers by 9%, enough to touch off a population collapse. "Our findings suggest that king penguin populations are at heavy extinction risk under the current global warming predictions," the study's authors wrote.
Well, raise my rent. Yet another god damn animal is at risk of being wiped out because we are too lazy to get off our fucking asses and change the way we do things. As we microwave our Hot Pockets and scream at football games and drive from our homes to stores that are three blocks away, the earth around us is crumbling before our eyes. The article continues:
That's bad news for the penguins, and worse news for the rest of Antarctic wildlife. Sitting near the top of the food chain, the king penguins are useful markers for the health of the rest of the Antarctic ecosystem. If global warming means they're not getting enough food, the conditions below the penguins could be even worse. Temperature rise due to climate change is occurring quicker at the poles than the rest of the planet — on the Antarctic Peninsula, temperatures have risen five times faster than the global average over the past 50 years. Even if we can manage to slow the growth in carbon emissions, the poles will likely continue to warm. Though the species that have evolved to survive in harsh Antarctic conditions are necessarily tough, they're also delicate. They're built for the snow and ice — change those conditions, and you take away their habitat and their food supply. Extinction comes next, and nothing can stop it.
Do you think any of the film companies who have made these movies are actually going to do anything to help the animals they so lovingly portray in their cinematic masterpieces?

Say, donate some of the millions of dollars they pilfer from an ignorant, gullible public to a cause that might actually be able to come up with solutions?

Or perhaps the governments of the world could GET OFF THEIR FUCKING ASSES and stop holding worthless and endless meetings? The Bali Conference - all it did was serve to set up another meeting. The Hawaii Conference - no one even HEARD what happened at that one, so I'm assuming it was nothing. What the fuck are our governments doing? GET THE GOD DAMN LEAD OUT OF YOUR ASSES.

Penguins, polar bears and pandas deserve their homes as much as we do, if not moreso.

We can't stand by and watch penguins die off. Instead of buying a shitty plastic cup or a junky set of action figures when Madagascar 2 and Kung Fu Panda come out, do something else with your money.

It is our responsibility to fix this shit.

Monday, February 18, 2008

"How the world still dearly loves a cage." - Maude

People are fucked up, plain and simple.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Baking is totally FIERCE*!

So you want a muffin, but you don't want to stand in a queue at the fucking Dunkin' Donuts with a bunch of stomp-down, milk-guzzling tramps, giving money to the "man" and sending the message that fast food culture is a-okay in this asswipe country.

What do you do?

Well, you could buy some pre-fab bullshit muffins that taste like dirt, OR you can throw caution to the wind, grease up that muffin tin, and whip up a batch of these fly-ass bastards that'll make you drool for YEARS.

Vegan Pumpkin Muffins


  • 1 1/4 cups bran flakes cereal - smash the BALLS out of this crap, or it will make little pockets in which unmixed flour can hide - totally uncool

  • 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

  • 1/4 cup agave nectar. Say you don't like agave nectar - you can use 1/3 cup brown sugar

  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

  • 1 tablespoon baking powder

  • 1 1/4 cups vanilla soy milk

  • 1/4 cup melted hippie butter substitute, like Spectrum Naturals Spread. This bullshit works FABULOUSLY in baking.

  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

  • 1 cup pumpkin butter

  • Directions:

  • Preheat the oven to 375 deee-grees

  • In a mixing bowl, mix all that dry shit up. Then, stir in all the liquid crap - it's easiest to put all the liquid shit into a pot and heat it together when you're melting the hippie butter substitute. Spoon all this shit into a pre-greased muffin tin.

  • Bake these motherfuckers at 375 for 35 minutes - then do that toothpick test. If any goo comes out on that toothpick, you need to stick those bitches back in the oven for, say, five more minutes.

  • There you go. Now you've got some good god damn muffins that, due to the use of the agave nectar, won't give you that gobby, shitty sugar feeling. Mmm-MMM!

    A note - you can make any kind of muffin you want with the above recipe - just substitute the pumpkin butter with whatever. Bananas, apples, chocolate chips, blueberries, goji berries, whatever. If you like the muffins sweeter, switch the soy milk with apple juice.

    Baking is FIERCE!*

    *No, I do NOT use the word 'fierce' in general conversation. I am mocking homosexuals.*

    *Yes, I AM a homosexual, so you can't accuse me of being homophobic.

    Sunday, February 10, 2008

    It's my first time.

    A few fun facts:

  • All designers who use fur are assholes.

  • All stores that sell fur are assholes.

  • Anyone who buys fur is an asshole.

  • Anyone who WEARS fur is an ASSHOLE.

  • The use of fur in fashion is something, as anyone who has read this shit knows, that I find HIGHLY repellant. It's unnecessary, it's ugly, it's stupid, and fashion designers who use it today - I think they're doing it just to be dicks. There can be no other reason. They just want to fuck with the bleeding heart hippies.

    The fact that they can get away with it - that's something else. I didn't really know that much, or I should say think that much about how fur coats, belts, hats, et cetera were made until recently.

    I will spare details, but as I'm sure you can imagine - it's blood-curdling. I challenge anyone - ANYONE - to watch even a split second of one of the videos that are floating around the internet about fur production and not feel the almost uncontrollable urge to vomit. I can't watch them, myself. I accidentally saw about three seconds' worth of one and that was enough for me. I don't need to see it to know what happens.

    That there are human beings alive who are capable of doing something like that to another creature is frightening. If they weren't taking out their obviously psychotic aggressions on these animals, who WOULD they be taking them out on? And why are they allowed to do it at all?

    Rage has been building up in me pretty intensely over this whole fur business. Watching youngsters parading around in fur accessories from top to bottom has pretty much rendered it impossible for me to go outside without getting despondently disgusted at the state of things in this world.

    So when I found out that there was an anti-fur protest at Bergdorf Goodman this past Saturday afternoon, I decided to go. My time had come - I was going to be an actual animal rights activist, not just a vegan loudmouth who vents frustration to the world through a dreary blog.

    I was already pissed off as I made my way to the event. Fifth Avenue's ritzy shopping district is notoriously littered with self-important buttfucks who coat themselves in other animals' furs, and my fists were balled up and I was gritting my teeth as I passed them.

    Then, when I was about a block away, I heard it - "YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT IN THAT COAT, LADY!"

    It was a bullhorn. The protest had started. I approached the group of people who were just starting to gather and asked for a sign. I was given one that had a picture of two sad-eyed puppies in a cage, with the caption, "FUR TRIM KILLS" (because, in case you didn't know it - most of those cute parkas that are so trendy these days with the "faux" fur" trim are made from either raccoon dogs, like that precious little angel pictured above, or regular dogs and cats. Completely foul).

    I initially laughed as the woman with the bullhorn insulted bitches in full-length mink coats as they passed. This went on for about 45 minutes, the insults mixed with facts about the fur industry. "Why don't you wear it bloody side out next time, lady!" she would yell. It appeared to be good, clean fun.

    And then something happened.

    Two little Japanese tourist girls walked past wearing fur. They noticed what was happening and got visibly scared, attempting to get by as quickly as possible, when people started screaming at them. A "vivacious" teen, the one who would turn out to be the main cause of my consternation throughout the entire event, chased them, and they ran away emitting high-pitched screams that sounded like a Chipmunks recording.

    Did I find the visual to be hilarious? Absolutely yes. But as I thought about it, I realized that we were coming off to these people the way Operation Rescue, that babbling, idiot anti-abortion group that clogs women's health clinics with stupidity and poorly-dressed fat people waving around plastic fetuses, appears to me - irrational, psychotic, to be avoided at all costs.

    The assaults continued, and the vivacious teen threw things at a few people, almost got into a couple fist fights, was obnoxious, swore, and crossed the line at almost every given opportunity.

    Most of the people at the protest were lovely. I talked with several of them and they all seemed great.

    Some people on both sides of the issue were ridiculous - the tantrum-throwing teen who is eventually going to get arrested, and a few pedestrians who made idiotic and cutesy displays of their animal-rendered clothing. "LEATHER," one retarded bitch chirped in a sing-song voice, showing off her gloves as she walked past. Others pointed at us and laughed. Some said smug things like, "There are more important issues," or "you're a bunch of idiots."

    I was left thinking to myself, "What kind of moron could actually sit down and rationalize skinning an animal alive to make a fucking hat?" The horrible reality is, though, that most people can - they're of the opinion that, as the Bible says,
    And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. Genesis 1:26
    And although I thoroughly strive toward, stand up for and steadfastly believe in animals' rights, I must say that some of the activists' actions are counter-productive.

    Screaming at someone, insulting them - it's not going to get them to change their opinion. At best, it will enforce the opinion they already have, giving them a sense of righteous indignation that will probably deepen their existing beliefs.

    Talking calmly, rationally - and presenting facts - that's how you get people to realize that they look like stupid fucking cunts in their full-length chinchilla coats.

    Watching people who hadn't known that the collars on their jackets were made from dog fur react in horror as protesters explained their coats' origins - seeing their expressions go from curiosity to disgust as they realized they had been duped into buying something revolting - THAT made the entire event worth it for me. Educating people without causing anger - that's the key.

    I will go to more anti-fur demonstrations. It's what's right, and I feel that I need to do it - but I will never allow myself to fall prey to my emotions in those situations and hurl insults at people.

    The animals deserve better.

    Thursday, February 7, 2008

    Don't Mess With Texas.

    Texas - THE definition of what it means to be an American. Why, our very own President himself hails from this state - and we all know what that means.

    Texas is big business, big oil, big EVERYTHING. Cross the threshold from Arizona to Texas and you're immediately assaulted with GROTESQUE examples of why America sucks so much.

    "Free 72-oz steak!" the nightmarish signs scream at you as you come ever closer to Amarillo, a City of Shame if ever there was one.

    First of all, who the fuck would even WANT to consume a 72-oz steak? That's over FOUR POUNDS of beef you're cramming into your gluttonous, lipid-soaked gullet. Pure, total, complete filth. Anyone who completes this task should have his or her picture taken and posted on a "Most Wanted" website. "Most Wanted for Rampant Assholism" or something along those lines might be appropriate.

    Malls, malls, malls. Steak restaurants. If you like shopping and steak, Amarillo is your kind of town. I don't think I saw a tree when I passed through there, but I could be mistaken. And this is indicative of Texas on the whole, from what I could gather.

    Texas, where humans rape the land and everything else suffers for it.

    What was Texas like before we got our skank-ass hands in its natural resources? Here's something to give you a picture:

    When Spanish explorer Alonzo Alvarez de Pineda arrived in the Rio Grande Valley nearly 500 years ago, he found a landscape quite different from what it is today. The 3 million acres of coastal savannas and brushlands were thick with wildlife – ocelots, jaguarundis and jaguars, Texas tortoises, javelinas, bobcats, coyotes and bison. This crossroads between temperate and tropical climates attracted flocks of migrating waterfowl and songbirds, as it does today: for example, hawks, sandhill cranes, green jays and northern aplomado falcons (these falcons had disappeared by the 1950s and were restored to Texas after a 43-year absence).
    The area being described here is around where Texas borders Mexico along the Gulf of Mexico.

    Brownsville, Texas is a blossoming town in this region. Its annual Sombrero Festival and Charro Days Fiesta attract lots of tourists to this city "On the Border by the Sea."

    Of course, with tourism comes expansion - and we all know that when it comes to expansion, humans really only care about one thing - MONEY. They will raze anything in order to put up a new Piggly Wiggly if the demand calls for it - they'd even plow right over their own family's ancestral burial plot if they were offered enough money. Why? Because humans are, plain and simple, selfish buttfucks.

    The Texas Ocelot used to roam freely in this area. This is the only region of the country in which it maintains residence. Guess how many are left? Guess.

    That's right - less than 100. Why? Because Americans can't just fuck off and leave things alone. They have to put up mini-malls and storage facilities and Wal-Mart Supercenters and hideously ugly subdivisions devoid of any trees or personality, so fat, stupid white people can move in with their minivans and three children each, stocking their garages with Juicy Juice and gorging themselves on Fritos while they play their Wiis and program their DVRs with enough idiocy-inducing pre-recorded programs to keep them glued to their couches for years to come.

    Ocelots' numbers have dwindled severely primarily due to urban sprawl, which has led to their habitat being decimated, and to their being run over by cars as assholes drive home from picking up their bulk tubs of mayonnaise at the Costco. Here's some more information:
    The Ocelot: Leopardus pardalis

    This small cat weighs 15-30 pounds and averages 3 feet 9 inches in length. Its coat has black spots, bars, and stripes on a rich tan to gray background, with irregular black dots on a white underside and dark bars on the tail. The more numerous bobcat (Lynx rufus) has a longer tail, heavier, larger spots and more rounded ears.

    The ocelot is located in Mexico, Central America and South America. The subspecies in Texas and northern Mexico is L. pardalis albescens. Another subspecies, L. pardalis sonoriensis occurs in northern Sonora, Mexico, and may wander into Arizona at times.

    This and the above quotation were taken from Environmental Defense: America's Little Leopard
    There's a conservation effort going on in Texas right now in a desperate attempt to save this species from regional extinction - farmers are restoring brush to their lands in order to give the cats a safe haven. Several conservation groups are working together to ensure this precious little angel's future. If you want to help, which I certainly hope you do, you can visit right here: I love Ocelots and want to help the Precious Little Angels RIGHT NOW.

    Other ocelots:

    Although the Texas ocelot has some hope for the future, ocelots in South America face a different peril - see if you can guess what it is. That's right - ASSHOLE poachers who are killing them for their pelts. ANYONE caught wearing an ocelot fur coat should be arrested on sight and left to rot in prison where they belong for crimes against intelligence.

    Click the link above to read just what the fur industry has done to the ocelot population of South America. Pretty fucking foul. Just over 200 left in the WORLD, according to that site. Filth.

    Tuesday, February 5, 2008

    Ma Ma Se Ma Ma Sa Ma Ma Coo Sa

    Well what do you know. My out-of-town visitor arrived on my doorstep yesterday after a harrowing trip all the way from Indiana.

    He said the first part of his trip was okay, but when he arrived in New York, the motherfucking Post Office screwed up his delivery. Because, as he put it, "they are cunts."

    Luckily, I checked online to see what his arrival status was. He was here, and an attempt had been made to deliver him on Saturday, according to the United States Post Office. A blatant lie - I had been home all Saturday afternoon and no one had rung my bell, nor was there a notice waiting for me.

    Clearly, a lazy ass postal worker had decided to take the afternoon off and logged all packages as "attempted to deliver," when in fact the asshole had done nothing.

    My theory regarding this was corroborated yesterday when I left work to go to the post office near Pratt - what should have been a 20 minute excursion. There and back - no problem.

    But, as it turns out, the postal workers at that particular post office are too dimwitted to tie their shoes, much less manage a post office. The woman in front of me in line told me that she had experienced similar treatment - "I was there, and no one rang my bell. I didn't get a notice."

    Nice. For this we pay their salaries - so some asshole can drink Zima and sit in his or her truck, no doubt with it idling the entire time, instead of delivering our mail.

    "It must not be here," the idiot behind the counter told me after shuffling around for not ten, not twenty, but FORTY-FIVE MINUTES looking for it. "It's probably still on the truck. They're not supposed to do that, but they do." Before this weak lightbulb had gone off over her empty cranium, she had brought a tube up and said, "Sherry Harper? Oh no, that's not you."


    So, after having spent TWO hours going to the post office, I was left with nothing. "Complain," the sloth in uniform said. "It's the only way it will change." But I still didn't have my god damn package.

    Left seething, I stormed back to work, pissed that I was going to have to weather that death camp of a neighborhood yet again to pick up my package.

    However, that changed, and further proved my postal laziness theory, when I arrived home and found my package placed inside my front door. Clearly, they had a skeleton key to deliver the package. Clearly, postal workers in new york suck, as I have mentioned before.

    I stormed upstairs and ripped the package open and there he was - the answer to my prayers. My very own kombucha scoby, or symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeasts. Thank JESUS.

    For those of you who do not know the wonders of kombucha, it is a fermented tea made by boiling tea with sugar and then adding the kombucha scoby and allowing it to sit and rot for up to 14 days. Doesn't that sound good? Well, it is. Here's more information:

    Kombucha contains many different cultures along with several organic acids, active enzymes, amino acids, anti-oxidants, and polyphenols. Kombucha may contain some of the following components depending on the source of the culture:

    Acetic acid, which gives Kombucha that 'kick' to its smell and taste; butyric acid, gluconic acid, glucuronic acid, lactic acid, malic acid, oxalic acid, usnic acid, as well as some B-vitamins.
    Now, I drink kombucha the way most people drink water, Diet Coke or coffee. I guzzle it day and night, night and day. It is my life force. And since the shit is so expensive, I have been trying to find ways to get around spending up to $5.41 a bottle for that crap. Now I have my answer.

    Before Freddy went into his new home, he visited with Nizzles for a little bit, who seemed to acclimate to his company very quickly.

    After their visit, I boiled three (3) cups of water, added two (2) organic oolong tea bags and a shitload of turbinado sugar (the exact amount escapes me because I'm about to fall over dead from exhaustion over here). After that shit done boiled, I let it cool overnight (well, i let it cool until three this morning, when I got up because I couldn't sleep) - then I poured it into a jar and placed Freddy on top of it. I sealed the jar with a paper towel and placed it in a dark area of my kitchen to ferment and bubble and do God only knows what.

    So, Freddy's here to stay for a while and we hope the result will be pleasant - at least more pleasant than spending about as much a day as my long lost addiction to those American Spirits Lights cigarettes cost.

    Freddy enjoys the Carpenters, C-Span and collecting stamps. He excels at badminton and Chinese checkers.

    Sunday, February 3, 2008

    I Can't Tell You Why

    Today is Super Bowl Sunday, a day in which the most horrifying elements of human nature come out in full force. I mean, LOW RENT.

    Jackasses will plant themselves in front of their televisions, bowls of corn nuts handy, platters of buffalo wings and nachos draped about, icy tubs of cheesy American piss Beer filled to capacity.

    Rednecks and yuppies alike will scream, jump up and down, throw things, get violent and act like a tribe of cavemen celebrating a fresh mastodon kill - it's as in touch with our ancient past as we ever get. Some members of the tribe will even have buffalo sauce caked in their tacky goatees.

    Such is the nature of Super Bowl Sunday.

    And then comes the news coverage. Who here has noticed that for the past two weeks, the media has been running articles - and I am serious about this - about the fucking Super Bowl commercials? "Super Bowl Ads - who will be the winners?," "Sleaziest Super Bowl Ads of All Time," "Battle of the Super Ads."

    WHO FUCKING CARES. Why are you writing about commercials? Why do people even look forward to commercials? I can't tell you how many people have said, "Oh my god, did you see that awesome commercial for (fill in dreary product here) during the Super Bowl?!?" Uh, no, I'd rather have Carol Channing take a pruney dump on my face than sit through that shit.

    And it's not the game that bothers me. It's the fans. I absolutely HATE. HATE HATE HATE. Football fans' behavior. Cameras always pan to the shirtless, doughy pills who have painted some ignominious slogan on their slack-titted chests, and they respond appropriately when they see themselves on the big screen - they jump up and down and call like a cow in heat attempting to attract a particularly virulent bull to fill her full of seed.

    Ultimately - really - why does it matter which team wins? It is not going to change a god damn thing. Yet tomorrow, some stupid portion of the population is going to be either pissed, despondent, or a combination of both, all because their brain stem-operating muscle thugs didn't win.

    And, of course, the game will be big news. As it has been for the past two weeks. It will usurp headlines from things that matter. Like this little gem that's on the front of msnbc (in the corner, small) this morning.

    I doubt VERY highly that it will stay in the headlines for long. I am, therefore, posting the link for it here so you can read it after we're all done screaming at a bunch of men in spandex leotards running back and forth for five hours.

    ABO EBAM, Nigeria - In the gloomy shade deep in Africa's rain forest, the noontime silence was pierced by the whine of a far-off chain saw. It was the sound of destruction, echoed from wood to wood, continent to continent, in the tropical belt that circles the globe.

    From Brazil to central Africa to once-lush islands in Asia's archipelagos, human encroachment is shrinking the world's rain forests.

    The alarm was sounded decades ago by environmentalists — and was little heeded. The picture, meanwhile, has changed: Africa is now a leader in destructiveness. The numbers have changed: U.N. specialists estimate 60 acres of tropical forest are felled worldwide every minute, up from 50 a generation back. And the fears have changed.

    Read the whole foul, yet typical article HERE.


    Why does humanity continue to snub its nose at reality? In the face of mass extinction, we cavalierly shamble forward, smug in our commitment to absolute and complete selfishness. It is human nature to disregard that which it knows will lead to its destruction.

    "Oh, that won't happen for years," we say to ourselves. And really, what's more important - a verdant reminder of what the earth once looked like, a safe harbor for the dwindling number of species who don't deserve what's happening to them, or a new beef ranch? After all, if we can't get our McDonald's, we'll surely suffer.

    Individuals who fear they have cancer or the AIDS refuse to go to doctors, thinking, "If they don't tell me I have it, then maybe I don't have it." And we apparently operate in the same fashion as a species. This reality is going to get more and more disgusting and brutal as this deforestation runs rampant. Big business will ensure these forests', and ultimately this planet's future - and big bank accounts won't do much to fix things at that point.

    It's not just happening in the third world, either, although that's where the effects are most deadly. Check this shit out, courtesy of our lovely Simian In Chief:
    The Bush administration is opening the red rock country near two of Utah's popular national parks to oil and gas drilling, over the objections of some park rangers in the Southwest and government scientists.

    As part of the president's energy plan to expand development on federal lands, 50,000-pound trucks have been pounding the ground between Arches and Canyonlands National Parks, searching for oil with seismic measuring instruments. At the same time, oil companies have bought leases to drill on federal land outside Canyonlands park.

    Administration officials say visitors to the parks will barely notice the changes to the land, while national park scientists say the land could take decades to recover from the shock waves of the industrial hammerings.

    Read all about that boll weevil's idiot schemes here.
    Juneau, AK (January 25, 2008) -- Today, the Bush administration took its third swipe in recent weeks at opening protected areas in America’s national forests to logging before it leaves office. A Bush plan announced today puts a “for sale” sign on trees in vast swaths of the nation’s largest national forest – the Tongass rainforest in Alaska.

    This move by Bush officials to reverse roadless area protections joins two others made recently in the national forests located in Idaho and Colorado.

    “The few remaining roadless areas of our national forests are some of the only safe harbors for America’s wildlife. As global warming threatens to change dramatically the landscape we must have the foresight to preserve these last remaining pristine forests for future generations,” said Mary Beth Beetham at Defenders of Wildlife. “It’s folly for the Bush administration, in its last few months, to work to destroy these areas.”

    Read more about this money-hungry drooling idiot's selfish plans here

    How can we tell nations responsible for depleting their rain forests to cut that shit out when we're not leading by example? Our leader is happily raping our country for his own gain right along with the rest of the world.

    When we've run out of forests and pristine land to destroy, what will they turn to next?

    We will have run out of options. Scientists state that life on this planet is unsustainable without the rainforests. So keep chopping those trees down, assholes, and we can all watch each other die. I, for one, think a lot of people deserve it.

    So, instead of spending millions of dollars on an ad that is going to run once, how about if some of these stupid companies spent that money to teach these chop-happy schmucks how to farm sustainably? In the long run, I think preserving rain forests is far more important than selling Budweiser, but I'm probably in the minority.

    Happy Super Bowl Sunday, y'all!

    Natural Resource Defense Council

    Nature Conservancy

    World Wildlife Fund