Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Prepared Foods Of The Damned.

Whole Foods Market is the Mecca of health food stores. They have everything. 

It is a sad fact that shopping at most Whole Foods in Manhattan is an "event" - hipsters and rich asswipes posture with their yoga mats strapped to their backs as they finger the organic artichokes. They flood the stores much like roaches fleeing from an exposed nest. AND, they talk on their cell phones or fuss with their babies in the middle of the aisles, as if no one else needs to get to the god damn turbinado sugar. 

Steer clear of the ones in Union Square and the AOL Time-Warner building if you want to retain any level of sanity. 

The one on Bowery and Houston, however, is about as pleasant a grocery shopping experience as you're going to get New York City. I like to go there on my lunch break and sample their various comestibles.

Two notes:

1) Unless you like eating shit on a tortilla, steer very far away from the 'Tibetan Tofu Wrap' at Whole Foods. It is a thoroughly unpleasant mishmash of gooey cabbage and fried tofu that, at first bite, seems to have verve, but descends quickly into thorough blandness. No flavor whatsoever, and yet, many hours later, the residual taste from that wrap made me want to scrub my mouth out with Comet. All of the unpleasant aspects of garlic were present, yet I had experienced none of the wonders that make garlic our friend. 

If this is the best Tibetans can do, it's no wonder they continue to be subjugated by the Chinese.

2) You want misery between two slices of bread? Get Whole Foods' "Hummus and Sprouts Sandwich." They spread the hummus in that sandwich about as thickly as an anorexic would spread Fat Free I Can't Believe It's Not Butter onto his or her one toast point of the day. If there WAS any flavor to that hummus, I certainly couldn't detect it. The "sprouts" were withered and grey. 

The rest of the sandwich was made up of cucumbers - I mean, bring a book.

Whole Foods' hot bar is generally wonderful, so I was saddened by the tragic encounter I had with these two prepared products. For hippies "on the go," it's a hard road, I have to tell you.


Anonymous said...

HA! Finally, I've come across another person who is vocalizing the true and unfortunate experience of shopping at Whole Foods!! I have to add, however, that it is not only in Manhattan where "hipsters and rich ass-wipes" also happens in Providence, Rhode Island. You have described the scene to a "T"! Because the store is near my home, I shop there mostly due to convenience, but try to go on "off" hours to avoid the obnoxious clientele. There have been a few times when I've hit the store at the wrong time (when it was mobbed with the aforementioned), and the only thing I could make myself do was... run! I turned around and got the hell out of there before I went bonkers! Oh, woe are people like me...not quite tattooed and pierced enough and not quite filthy rich...where oh where do we fit in? As for the Tibetan Tofu Wrap, I like it...but you need to add some sort of "dipping" sauce. I found a bottle of some soyish, gingery stuff (that was in the soy sauce section) to go with it, and it actually was quite delicious. The black bean burrito is pretty good, too! The last thing I recommend are the 365 House Brand Frozen Pizzas. The Pesto and Tomato one is yummy! But, steer clear of the heavy and extremely hard to digest Falafal Wrap! Thanks for the laugh!

Andrea said...

I friggin' LOVE you! hahahahahahaha