Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I don't DO cookies!

As someone with a professional eating disorder stemming from a particularly unpleasant adolescence, I try to steer clear of things with sugar.

BUT, as someone with an addictive personality that has ranged from obsessively collecting Jack T. Chick tracts to chain smoking two-plus packs of American Spirits cigarettes a day to getting up at 5 o'clock chaque matin as they say in France to swim for an hour before work, I have also had my little bouts with sugar bingeing.

Why, just last year in Los Angeles I ate so much chocolate a day that I cleared out the ENTIRE vegan easter chocolates display at Nature Mart. That shit was GOOD.

And I also ran through their entire stock of Terra Nostra Ricemilk Choco, The. Best. Vegan. Chocolate. Bar. EVER. I mean, this shit will make you want to fuck.

Wow.. I'm getting off track.

I was trying to focus on cookies. I love those god damn cookies. But when I decided to turn vegan, I was sad to find that my cookie choices had diminished significantly. Dairy and egg-free cookies, at least when I first turned vegan, were akin to placing a piece of particle board into your mouth - not very appetizing, and they cost about 900 dollars each.

(Yes, there are TONS of vegan cookies now that are not only divinely good but also laden down with calories - like THESE bastards. I ate my share of these assholes when I was in LA, too. When you look at the nutrition information, note that the caloric content is for HALF a cookie. Who the fuck eats half a cookie? A God Damn Faggot, that's who. Eat the whole thing.)

So, I set out to find a really thoroughly and totally killer recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Ye Olde Tollhouse, some would call them. Most recipes called for some fucked up ingredient like hunza raisin nectar or some fruit gel sugar substitute that always, and I mean ALWAYS, makes your baking end up tasting like a dirty sock, so I veered away from those recipes. There are some things that just shouldn't be tampered with.

I finally found one, and I have to tell you - the shit makes the best god damn cookies I ever ate, if I do say so myself. I'm going to share it with all y'all right now!

I stole this recipe from about six years ago, so I can't say that it's still around there, but I want to give credit where credit is due - it was posted there by one Lisa Lou. And I thank her for countless hours of unnecessary consumption that were brought about by her posting this motherfucker. Okay! Here we go!

Chocolate Chip Cookies For Champions


  • 2 1/4 c. flour

  • 1 tsp. baking soda

  • 1.2 tsp. salt

  • 1 c. safflower margarine (check to make sure that shit's nondairy, y'all)

  • 3/4 c. sugar (yes, you can use the hippie kind and it works fine - I always do)

  • 3/4 c. packed brown sugar

  • 2 tsp. vanilla

  • 1 c. slivered almonds (you ain't gots to include this shit - I never do. nuts are for queers)

  • 2 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips (check them ingredients, y'all)


Set oven to 375 degrees.

Mix dry ingredients - set that shit aside.

Mix sugars, margarine and vanilla in a large bowl.

Add dry ingredients to wet mixture (if it's still too dry, drip you in a little soy milk and mix that shit up - just a touch!)

Mix in nuts and chocolate chips.

Bake on ungreased cookie sheets for 9-11 minutes.

Eat the BALLS out of these bastards because they are MM-MMMM good!

I made these bitches for Thanksgiving a few years ago and they were GONE before the guests even arrived! No, I wasn't the only one eating them!

So bake that shit up.

No comments: