Thursday, January 31, 2008

Where's the Beef?


I have to tell you - Britney Spears' continued dipshit antics through the hills of Los Angeles are getting a little boring.

A REAL news day would be if that trashy douche DIDN'T ram into someone's car, go into a public restroom without shoes on, attempt to pick up strange children at a random elementary school, butcher the English language, show her stretched and sagging meat curtain to the cameras, and just carry on randomly in a drugged-out, psychotic state of inanity.

And yet, the media laps up her daily transgressions with the enthusiasm of an alcoholic guzzling his morning Franzia box. We just can't seem to get away from her - she will most likely be able to usurp front page status from any other news story until the day she dies.

But why? Why are we being forced into caring about her when there are so many other things - REAL things - going on in the world, things we should know, get angry about, DO something about?

If you looked at any major news source this morning, you saw this story:

WASHINGTON - The Agriculture Department said Wednesday it would investigate whether sick dairy cows were mistreated at a California slaughterhouse in violation of state and federal laws designed to ensure food safety and prevent animal cruelty.

taken from msnbc.com here
Go to them now, and this story is buried so deep in the archives that you have to search for it. Yet, we're still kept up to date BY THE MINUTE on Britney's status during her enforced hospital stay.

There's something seriously wrong in a country where one sick person's downward spiral needs to be the entire nation's focus and hundreds of people are hired to follow her wherever she goes. We don't NEED to see pictures of her presumably buying pregnancy tests, looking at clothes, drinking coffee, gazing blankly at her text messages.

People in this country don't need that sort of news. We are a lazy, privileged people, indulged to the point of inaction, and that needs to change immediately. But the media won't LET it. For some reason, most news outlets have decided that we just don't really need to know what's going on as long as we can be kept enthused over their reporting of celebrity mishaps.

That story about the tortured cows should have people - even people who loves them a good burger - infuriated by the gross actions of workers in these "farms." Same goes for the story about the Butterball turkey workers. And the Pilgrim's Pride (KFC suppliers) workers. They are SICK FUCKS who are beating the shit out of already scared and doomed animals.

Of course, if you take the time to read the story about the cow abuse, IF you can find it, you will see the focus is on the wrong thing. It's not on the fact that deranged bastards are doing heinous things to sick animals - it's that the tortured animals' carcasses may have gotten into our meat supply.
"We need to know how this food is getting to the table," he said. "Even when downed animals appear otherwise healthy, they may be harboring dangerous pathogens."
Um, fuck you. How about going to the ROOT of the problem and making sure that there aren't any maniacs employed by these already revolting places? Clearly you have to have something wrong with you to begin with in order to stomach a job like that, but that doesn't necessarily include the horrors that are shown in the video.

As long as the beef's clean, though, it doesn't matter.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A death for no reason


Why is it that as we progress technologically we regress mentally? Sooner or later we're going to be a bunch of helpless, drooling doughballs who have automated ourselves into superfluousness. We'll sit in our chairs staring blankly at an endless feed of reality programming while machines whirl about us, pumping us full of food and cleaning up after our evacuations.

What brought about this particular musing, you're wondering? Well, it's this inexplicable backpeddling we've taken in regards to fur. I mean, as children of the 80s, we were ALL exposed to PeTA's anti-fur campaigns, we all saw The Smiths' 'Meat Is Murder' video - we all saw the Skinny Puppy anti-vivisection videos on 120 Minutes, late night on MTV.

We should know better.

And yet, for some unknown reason, fur is making a comeback. And not just with the holier-than-thou upper-crust professional douchebag set who pompously display their furs at openings and galleries and shows, posing as if the fact that they're draped in another animal's outer coating actually makes them better than other people - oh, no. I'm talking about young people.

On a visit to Fifth Avenue's chic Henri Bendel department store last week, Pietra Jones caressed a spiky, oval-shaped hat made from fox, dyed lilac and purple. "I love fur!" purred Jones, 26, unconcerned about the process that turns living creatures into fashion accessories. "My sister is totally into PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] and she reams me out every time I buy fur, but I can't stop myself. I know it's un-PC, but when I shop I really separate myself from thinking about the animal." (From Newsweek, Oct. 11, 2004)
The need for status is funny - it drives people to do things they wouldn't normally consider. Going into debt to have a Hummer; spending thousands to drape your body with someone else's logo and looking DOWN on those who are either too smart or too poor to fall prey to such stupid practices; and now, wearing fur.

Hip hop stars have glommed on to the fur frenzy, which is, of course, making it even MORE popular with young people who have seen these dildoes posturing in fur coats, rapping about how much money they make and how many women they screw and how everyone loves them, blah blah blah. An extract from the New Yorker:
Writer tells about a pale blue mink jacket Rosenfeld made for the video of “We Thuggin'” by the Bronx rapper Fat Joe. Fat Joe was so fat that Rosenfeld didn't have enough blue mink left to fulfill the other half of the commission-the R & B singer R. Kelly was supposed to appear alongside Fat Joe in an identical coat. Rosenfeld used the remaining mink to invent the sleeveless fur hoodie… Rosenfeld is the hip-hop world's preferred furrier. He has made pieces for Sean (Diddy) Combs, Usher and Nas. He is 55, and based out of a dingy storefront on West 29th Street.
I am sure those minks would happily have sacrificed themselves if they had known they were going to be dyed blue and featured in the deeply meaningful "We Thuggin'" video.
Crackman and I'm at it again
Niggas had they run, now it's time for
change
When we step in the club, nigga tuck ya
chain
Got the mink on - same color the Range
Uh, pour liqour for my nigga that's gone
Big Pun! Then we party like we just came
home
Fuck a bitch if she act too grown
I don't need that shit, I got my wife at
home

Excerpt from "We Thuggin'" by lyric poet Fat Joe


New York City is supposed to be a stronghold of intelligence. At least, that's what we're told. That's why people move here - to escape the humdrum stupidity of their hometowns.

Walking the streets of New York each winter gives one a different picture, however. It has been a horror for me, especially working in Soho.

Asshole tourists and wretched old women come out in droves to this neighborhood to shop their little hearts out, and TONS of them, ever since I can remember, have worn their full-length minks everywhere. Try walking into Dean & Deluca without coming across some antiquated cunt plucking through the blood oranges in a fur coat. You just can't.

But the streets of Soho are now witness to a new, even more heinous form of vulgarity. People under the age of thirty are, in droves, joining the fur set.

Some of them are going for the classic style - long strips of flesh ripped from tiny animals and sewn together to form a gaudy brown nightmare. You know the coat. But then there are others who are wearing FUR HOODIES, dyed fur coats of various colors that look like a hairy easter egg, hats that look like pine cones, and most pernicious of all, the Hiawatha look, which I simply do not understand. Long strips of leather and fur are sewn together in random clumps to make the wearer look as if he or she is trekking across the tundra and has had to fashion emergency winter clothes out of animals they had to kill for sustenance. ASSES. They're ALL ASSES.

And yet, as with all horribly ugly fashion mistakes, this one is catching like crabs in the Summer of Love.

Where, how and why did this come to be de rigeur again? Where did our morals go? I have never, EVER met anyone under the age of 40 who would even CONSIDER letting a fur coat touch his or her body, and yet now, all of a sudden, everyone's doing it.

In the past week, I have seen a woman come into Sacred Chow, a VEGAN restaurant, wearing a full-length fur coat and a man in the vegan bakery department at Lifethyme wearing a full-length mink coat with a hood and a belt. Was the irony lost on them? I am sure it was. They thought they looked great as they were ordering their seitan and requesting their dairy-free tollbooth cookies. I glared at both of them, wishing that saying something didn't render me susceptible to having my teeth bashed in.

But you can't really talk to these people, can you. "Excuse me, I was just wondering if you realize how completely hypocritical and asinine it is that you're wearing that coat in a vegan restaurant?" wouldn't really work.

It's gotten ridiculous. Fur coats aren't necessary, they're not attractive - they prove little more than the simple fact that the wearer is a selfish cunt.

There is no excuse for the continuation of this vile and revolting trend. I say, treat the people wearing it like the animals whose lives they so callously disregard in order to further their sense of trendiness.

Beat the shit out of them and leave their twitching broken bodies to litter the sidewalk, or scream at them and humiliate them in front of the hordes of people who aren't looking at what they're wearing anyway - the ones they're trying so desperately to impress.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It's not vicious or malicious - just deee-lovely and deee-licious.

Have you been introduced to our best friend, Quinoa?

No?

Well, here's a little information about Mr. Quinoa and why he is the best thing you will ever discover in your entire life.

from wikipedia's entry on quinoa:

Quinoa (Spanish quinua, quĂ­noa, or quinoa) is a species of goosefoot (Chenopodium) grown as a crop primarily for its edible seeds. It is a pseudocereal rather than a true cereal as it is not a grass.
This shit is good, y'all. It is a fabulous rice substitute and it's most likely far better for you.
Quinoa was of great nutritional importance in pre-Columbian Andean civilizations, being secondary only to the potato, and followed in third place by maize (your people call it corn). In contemporary times this crop has come to be highly appreciated for its nutritional value, as its protein content is very high (12%–18%). Unlike wheat or rice (which are low in lysine), quinoa contains a balanced set of essential amino acids for humans, making it an unusually complete food. This means it takes less quinoa protein to meet one's needs than wheat protein. It is a good source of dietary fiber and phosphorus and is high in magnesium and iron. Quinoa is gluten free and considered easy to digest. Because of all these characteristics, quinoa is being considered as a possible crop in NASA's Controlled Ecological Life Support System for long-duration manned spaceflights.
I eat this shit every damn day, and have for years. You can do almost anything with it - make deee-licious baked goods, make crusts for pies, et cetera. Here's what I did with it on Sunday:

You will need:
1 package Inca Red quinoa
Bragg Liquid Amino Acids (if you don't know what this is then I can no longer talk to you.)
Organic onion powder
Salt

2 medium apples
1 package Wildwood Aloha Baked Tofu (or any baked tofu that is not going to clash horribly with apples)
Roasted cashews, no salt

Follow the directions for the quinoa and then swirl in some Bragg, onion powder and salt to your own personal taste, y'all.

Chop them god damn apples up into little bitty pieces. Chop that tofu up into little bitty pieces. Do whatever you want with the cashews.

Mix all that shit together and you've got a divine treat that your body will thank you for. And you'll take some phat dumps.

You can do anything with this shit. The red has a different taste from the regular, but both are awesome and you should begin eating it immediately.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Aye-aye, aye-aye, canta y no llores

So, this little thing is an aye-aye

It has a long, very thin middle finger that it uses to dig grubs and other forms of food out of tight spots in trees. This middle finger and eating habit is evolutionarily unique to the aye-aye. (Watch the video below and you can see its "middle finger" in action.)

It is the largest known nocturnal primate. It is native to Madagascar

And, of course, it is endangered. 

But this primate isn't endangered due solely to humanity's continued idiocy in chopping down our last remaining rainforests - oh, no. This one is subjected to THAT, along with a much deeper and more sinister layer of human stupidity.

Native superstition claims that these little things are "harbingers of death," so they are killed on sight, especially if they point their "middle finger" toward the dimwitted islanders. They're harbingers of death, all right - their own. They trundle out of their little rainforest canopy to find a late night snack, and the next thing they know, some tribal schmegeggy has bashed their brains in. Morons.

Sadder still is that they recently discovered "untainted" land in Madagascar, chock full o' new, as yet unseen species. But, as the race for "biofuel" begins, you can be sure that every available, unclaimed patch of land is going to be razed so some short-sighted shitheads can put in palm tree plantations.

Why don't we just get it over with and kill everything all at once? Can't we just do that? It will make things much easier for me - I can blubber hysterically for everything at the same time, instead of having to do it one species at a time as I unravel more and more of the cable-knit sweater of destruction that is the human race.

I'm sick of seeing these reports coming in, sometimes more than once daily, about some new weird species that is being decimated because of deforestation or the need to put a Winn-Dixie parking lot on the last remaining acre of land in which some burrowing owl lives, or because some tribe of jackasses thinks a particular animal is bad luck. 

If you think about it, it's pretty clear which animal is, in reality, bad luck. And it ain't the aye-ayes. 

In case you hadn't guessed by this point, I'm pretty disappointed in humanity's inability to get its shit together. Read this article about how people think they can save the aye-aye and other creatures that aren't as adorable as Nizzles.



Oh, my goodness! It's recipe time, y'all.

Note: Stay tuned. In the near future, I'll be introducing Freddy, a fun friend who's coming to stay with me. You'll get to learn ALL about his exploits as he experiences life in the big city.

Do you like how the recipes I've shared with you so far have all been vegan versions low rent shit?

No Tempeh Wasabi Melts, no Raw Falafel Makeovers with Raw Pesto Dip, no Blueberry Couscous Conundrums - in fact, hardly any vegetables at all.

Well, I'm Southern, and y'all are just going to have to deal with the fact that I like gross food. If if was deep-fried, I ate it. In fact, the only reason I'm no longer teetering on the brink of obesity is a lovely regimen of very hard narcotics I followed about eight years ago.

Although I have tempered my ways and am now eating healthily, sensibly and, what is that boring word - sustainably - from time to time one just needs to say, "Bring on some gross-ass food that reminds me of Mama."

So, in the spirit of vegan versions of revolting foods, I have decided to impart this divine 'meatball stroganoff' recipe. I don't know about you, but before I stopped succumbing to the consumption of our furry, feathered, finned, and flippered friends, I liked nothing better than having a piping hot plate of beef stroganoff dumped right down in front of my face. I'd lap that shit up like a kitten at a bowl of milk, and then ask for more.

This version spares the cows and tastes pretty fucking awesome. It sets my soul on fire with a burning desire when I dig into it. Yes, it's that good.

"But it just doesn't taste the same," dingbats moan. Well guess what? That's because there's nothing DEAD floating around in it. You should be happy about that.

This recipe was purloined years ago from Veg Web and was originally submitted by sherribruce@mindyourowngoddamnbusiness.com.

Meatball Stroganoff

Ingredients:

  • 1 Tbsp. canola or olive oil

  • 1 Package Gimme Lean ground 'beef' style

  • 1/2 tsp. salt

  • 1/4 tsp. black pepper

  • 1 medium onion, finely chopped

  • 8 oz. mushrooms, finely sliced

  • 1 1/2 cups vegetable broth

  • 2 Tbsp. flour

  • 1/2 cup Tofutti Sour Supreme

  • 2 tsp. dijon mustard

  • 1 Tbsp. vegan margarine

  • Noodles, rice or quinoa to dump that shit on when you're all through.


  • How to whip this shit together so it tastes like Jesus:

  • Heat oil in a medium sized skillet. Shape Gimme Lean into meatballs and cool well over medium heat until browned.

  • While those meatballs are a-sizzlin,' in another skillet, melt margarine over medium heat and saute the onions for five (5) minutes or until soft and translucent. Add mushrooms and saute, stirring for five more minutes.

  • Reduce heat to medium low, blend in two Tbsp. of flour and stir for two minutes.

  • Raise heat to medium high and add the broth and stir constantly until thick and smooth, for approximately three to five (3-5) minutes.

  • When meatballs are well browned, add to mushroom mixture.
  • Add salt and pepper.
  • Whisk in sour supreme and mustard, then simmer, stirring until heated through - say, 'round two (2) minutes.

  • Dump that shit on top of some motherfucking noodles or whatever - and bam! you got you some vegan stroganoff that'll have your subordinates begging for more.

    I've made this and shared it several times, and everyone loved the fuck out of it, so give it a whirl because it is simply divine.

    Friday, January 25, 2008

    I'd love to get you on a slow boat to China


    How embarrassing and sad.

    Beijing, home of the 2008 Summer Olympics, is so filthy that they're scared they might have to postpone some of the events because competitors won't be able to breathe. On top of this, many Olympic teams will be training outside the city so they don't get poisoned by air that has, on many days, barely missed reaching the HAZARD level due to continued greed and laziness on the part of the Chinese Government.

    Who, as a matter of fact, are at this point scrambling to find a solution to the city's revolting pollution problem NOT because it is a hazard to the city's denizens, but because it could be a hazard to the olympic athletes.

    BEIJING — Faced with persistent air pollution despite promises to stage a green Olympics, Beijing is planning to reduce its motor traffic by half during the Games to improve air quality and ease traffic flow, according to a newspaper report on Wednesday. read full article here.
    Is that fucked up or what?

    What does this tell you about that government's priorities? It's okay that their own people are exposed on a daily basis to air that is so filthy you can barely SEE through it. That's the price you pay for becoming the world's largest economy. But expose a few javelin hurlers or some bulldyke volleyball team to it - heavens NO, we couldn't do that. We need that tourism money!

    To curb pollution in time for the Olympics, the government has been attempting to "ban" driving. According to them, it's working. According to science, it isn't.
    Official stance:
    BEIJING -- Despite a persistent gray haze, officials said Tuesday an exercise that removed more than 1 million private vehicles a day from Beijing's gridlocked streets was a success that could mean a clearer sky during next summer's Olympics. read the full article here.
    Reality:
    BEIJING, Aug. 20 -- Despite a move by authorities to slash the number of motorists in Beijing by more than a million during a pre-Olympics pollution test, the city's skies remained a hazy white Monday evening and pollution levels showed a slight increase over the four-day trial period, Beijing's Environmental Protection Bureau said. read the full article here.
    It's pretty disgusting to think that money and power have such a hold on people that they're willing to poison and destroy their own land in order to attain it.

    But it's really nothing new - humans have a propensity for doing the exact opposite of what needs to be done, especially when they KNOW what they're doing is a shortcut and ultimately a detrimental one. We can't be bothered to suffer a possible temporary economic dip in order to clean up after ourselves. We have to forge forward blindly and horribly, raping everything in our paths. (Sorry to be a downer, but it's just fucking true.)


    Such is our nature because we are lazy, selfish and stupid.

    Thursday, January 24, 2008

    I'm Lost In a Forest - All Alone

    Just a few little news briefs from the day to perk all y'all up.

    One:

    SAO PAULO, Brazil - The rate of Amazon deforestation rose sharply during the last five months of 2007 as land was cleared for soy and cattle, prompting a top-level emergency meeting Thursday by government officials to deal with the problem.
    Read the whole story here.

    Help SAVE the Amazon Rainforest here and rainforests in general here.

    Two:
    In the Northern Rockies… the federal government has put forth a proposal that could lead to the slaughter of hundreds of wolves in Idaho and Wyoming. Even Yellowstone wolves could be shot on site if they wander outside the park's boundaries!
    Read the whole story here. Only OUR government would pass laws that promote shooting an endangered species.

    Tell the American Government that they are a pack of thoughtless assholes here.

    We're the only ones who can do anything about this, and if we don't - it'll be too late. You can't just regrow a rainforest or bring back a depleted species, no matter how much lazy assholes would like to think you can.

    To quote 'Paint a Vulgar Picture' by the Smiths yet again, "What makes most people feel happy leads us headlong into harm."

    Wednesday, January 23, 2008

    Prepared Foods Of The Damned.

    Whole Foods Market is the Mecca of health food stores. They have everything. 

    It is a sad fact that shopping at most Whole Foods in Manhattan is an "event" - hipsters and rich asswipes posture with their yoga mats strapped to their backs as they finger the organic artichokes. They flood the stores much like roaches fleeing from an exposed nest. AND, they talk on their cell phones or fuss with their babies in the middle of the aisles, as if no one else needs to get to the god damn turbinado sugar. 

    Steer clear of the ones in Union Square and the AOL Time-Warner building if you want to retain any level of sanity. 

    The one on Bowery and Houston, however, is about as pleasant a grocery shopping experience as you're going to get New York City. I like to go there on my lunch break and sample their various comestibles.

    Two notes:

    1) Unless you like eating shit on a tortilla, steer very far away from the 'Tibetan Tofu Wrap' at Whole Foods. It is a thoroughly unpleasant mishmash of gooey cabbage and fried tofu that, at first bite, seems to have verve, but descends quickly into thorough blandness. No flavor whatsoever, and yet, many hours later, the residual taste from that wrap made me want to scrub my mouth out with Comet. All of the unpleasant aspects of garlic were present, yet I had experienced none of the wonders that make garlic our friend. 

    If this is the best Tibetans can do, it's no wonder they continue to be subjugated by the Chinese.

    2) You want misery between two slices of bread? Get Whole Foods' "Hummus and Sprouts Sandwich." They spread the hummus in that sandwich about as thickly as an anorexic would spread Fat Free I Can't Believe It's Not Butter onto his or her one toast point of the day. If there WAS any flavor to that hummus, I certainly couldn't detect it. The "sprouts" were withered and grey. 

    The rest of the sandwich was made up of cucumbers - I mean, bring a book.

    Whole Foods' hot bar is generally wonderful, so I was saddened by the tragic encounter I had with these two prepared products. For hippies "on the go," it's a hard road, I have to tell you.

    These days, you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.

    Seriously. What the HELL is wrong with people? What the fuck goes on in people's heads?

    They had to install bulletproof glass around the one and only last remaining female Yengtze softshell turtle because they know that given humanity's propensity for senseless violence, some jackass would try to kill it.

    "I done killed off a species! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha," some rube would guffaw maniacally, standing over the felled turtle. It would happen, mark my words. And here's proof:

    Some complete and utter MORON is killing off endangered Key deer in Florida, leaving their decapitated heads draped about or, in more severe cases, leaving them alive but in terrible pain with spears through their necks.

    So, again. I want to know - what the hell is wrong with people?

    What would compel someone to attempt to destroy an endangered species? What's the reasoning? I don't even understand hunting an overpopulated species.

    You're obviously smarter than they are, you've got technology they can't understand - where's the challenge?

    Sneaking through the woods in hi-tek camouflage with sights and bird calls and pheromones and all that redneck bullshit to attract some animal just to shoot it and watch it die before either leaving it there to rot or skinning it and throwing most of it out - what's the thrill?

    Someone explain it to me, please.

    And for fuck's sake - we're doing a fine job killing off various species WITHOUT having some psychotic buttfucks doing it for sport. Leave them ALONE.

    Tuesday, January 22, 2008

    These are days you'll remember - update.

    Who to believe?

    Regarding the plight of the gharial, this sad piece of news comes from indiaenews.com, a site probably more reputable in its fact-checking:

    With only 189 gharials left in the wild in India and Nepal, conservationists are stepping in. A captive breeding programme is to be launched for the crocodile-like reptile in the Manas national park of Assam.
    ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY NINE.

    Cnn.com reported in its article that there were 1,500 left in the wild. Who's right?

    Meanwhile, is it just me, or are we reading articles of this revolting nature with much more frequency - Yengtze river dolphins, giant softshell turtles, tarsiers, snow leopards... when are we going to stop being cunts?

    These are days you'll remember.

    From cnn.com:

    LUCKNOW, India (AP) -- Conservationists and scientists scrambled Tuesday to determine what has killed at least 50 critically endangered crocodile-like reptiles in recent weeks in a river sanctuary in central India.

    Conservationists believe there are only about 1,500 gharials left in the wild.

    Everything from parasites to pollution has been blamed for the deaths of the gharials -- massive reptiles that look like their crocodile relatives, but with long slender snouts.

    The bodies, measuring between five and 10 feet long, have been found washed up on the banks of the Chambal River since early December, according to conservationists and officials.

    Read all about the gharial and why we suck here.

    Poachers should be found and shot and turned into coats and rugs.

    I'd buy one.

    the true love knot is found at the death of the corn

    Big Business is fucked up and gross.

    We all know this.

    But do you know how far they're willing to go to keep from making ANY changes to the way things are simply because they care not for their children and the kittens and ponies and rivulets and shires?

    Money. "Money changes everything," as Cyndi Lauper says. And apparently it turns former human beings into monsters who are willing to watch their planet rot away before their very eyes as long as they can keep their Land Rovers up and running. They KNOW what they're doing is killing the planet. They just don't care.

    Read this heinous bullshit and get as angry as I am.

    From the Washington Post on Friday:

    A group backed by the coal industry and its utility allies is waging a $35 million campaign in primary and caucus states to rally public support for coal-fired electricity and to fuel opposition to legislation that Congress is crafting to slow climate change.

    The group, called Americans for Balanced Energy Choices, has spent $1.3 million on billboard, newspaper, television and radio ads in Iowa, Nevada and South Carolina.
    These IDIOTS, these anti-progress and environment FOOLS could have spent that $1.3 billion on research or any other avenue that could have led to cleaner and / or renewable energy. Instead, they're sitting on their fat asses, refusing to change in the light of SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE pointing to the fact that they are partially responsible for what's happening to our planet.

    Fuckers. I hate them and you should, too.

    Monday, January 21, 2008

    Check out THESE bad boys.


    Mmmm-MMMM!

    These motherfuckers were GOOD!

    So, my friend Mina had a Vegan Taco Night on Sunday. For dessert, she decided to try out that fly-ass cookie recipe I done shared below. And let me tell you what - those bitches were g-o-o-deeelicious. I ate the FUCK out of those bastards, and that was before the taco bar was even laid out.

    Now check out this business:


    Yes.

    Yes, y'all. A Vegan Taco Party is THAT easy.

    You get you some taco/burrito Smartlife Grounds, some Tofutti Sour Supreme, grate some vegan cheese (and an FYI to y'all who are trying to be strict vegans - a lot of soy cheese has casein in it, which is a dairy protein, to help it melt. But if you follow Ingrid Newkirk's GoVeg Guide to Vegetarianism, you can get over it, at least when you're at someone else's house or in a restaurant. Don't be a dick.), slap down some taco shells, tomatoes, lettuce, salsa, et cetera, and eat the BALLS out of that shit.

    ¡Olé !

    And a final note - check out these mofos just one more time.

    Thursday, January 17, 2008

    Overheard at Lifethyme:

    Overheard at Lifethyme Market:

    Cashier #1: Keisha, whatever you got on stink.

    Cashier #2: So?

    Oh, New York.

    Wednesday, January 16, 2008

    I don't DO cookies!

    As someone with a professional eating disorder stemming from a particularly unpleasant adolescence, I try to steer clear of things with sugar.

    BUT, as someone with an addictive personality that has ranged from obsessively collecting Jack T. Chick tracts to chain smoking two-plus packs of American Spirits cigarettes a day to getting up at 5 o'clock chaque matin as they say in France to swim for an hour before work, I have also had my little bouts with sugar bingeing.

    Why, just last year in Los Angeles I ate so much chocolate a day that I cleared out the ENTIRE vegan easter chocolates display at Nature Mart. That shit was GOOD.

    And I also ran through their entire stock of Terra Nostra Ricemilk Choco, The. Best. Vegan. Chocolate. Bar. EVER. I mean, this shit will make you want to fuck.

    Wow.. I'm getting off track.

    I was trying to focus on cookies. I love those god damn cookies. But when I decided to turn vegan, I was sad to find that my cookie choices had diminished significantly. Dairy and egg-free cookies, at least when I first turned vegan, were akin to placing a piece of particle board into your mouth - not very appetizing, and they cost about 900 dollars each.

    (Yes, there are TONS of vegan cookies now that are not only divinely good but also laden down with calories - like THESE bastards. I ate my share of these assholes when I was in LA, too. When you look at the nutrition information, note that the caloric content is for HALF a cookie. Who the fuck eats half a cookie? A God Damn Faggot, that's who. Eat the whole thing.)

    So, I set out to find a really thoroughly and totally killer recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Ye Olde Tollhouse, some would call them. Most recipes called for some fucked up ingredient like hunza raisin nectar or some fruit gel sugar substitute that always, and I mean ALWAYS, makes your baking end up tasting like a dirty sock, so I veered away from those recipes. There are some things that just shouldn't be tampered with.

    I finally found one, and I have to tell you - the shit makes the best god damn cookies I ever ate, if I do say so myself. I'm going to share it with all y'all right now!

    I stole this recipe from VegWeb.com about six years ago, so I can't say that it's still around there, but I want to give credit where credit is due - it was posted there by one Lisa Lou. And I thank her for countless hours of unnecessary consumption that were brought about by her posting this motherfucker. Okay! Here we go!

    Chocolate Chip Cookies For Champions

    Ingredients:


    • 2 1/4 c. flour

    • 1 tsp. baking soda

    • 1.2 tsp. salt

    • 1 c. safflower margarine (check to make sure that shit's nondairy, y'all)

    • 3/4 c. sugar (yes, you can use the hippie kind and it works fine - I always do)

    • 3/4 c. packed brown sugar

    • 2 tsp. vanilla

    • 1 c. slivered almonds (you ain't gots to include this shit - I never do. nuts are for queers)

    • 2 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips (check them ingredients, y'all)



    Directions:

    Set oven to 375 degrees.

    Mix dry ingredients - set that shit aside.

    Mix sugars, margarine and vanilla in a large bowl.

    Add dry ingredients to wet mixture (if it's still too dry, drip you in a little soy milk and mix that shit up - just a touch!)

    Mix in nuts and chocolate chips.

    Bake on ungreased cookie sheets for 9-11 minutes.

    Eat the BALLS out of these bastards because they are MM-MMMM good!


    I made these bitches for Thanksgiving a few years ago and they were GONE before the guests even arrived! No, I wasn't the only one eating them!

    So bake that shit up.

    Tuesday, January 15, 2008

    Example Number One of why most people just plain suck.


    I'm sure I'll be posting many, many, many perfect examples of why most people suck - but this one in particular REALLY pisses me off. The needless stupidity of "execution-style" killings of endangered gorillas by retarded "revolutionaries" in the Congo is beyond reprehensible and I kind of hope that the same thing happens to the shitheads who did it. It's just vile.

    2007 was the apes’ bloodiest year on record since famed American researcher Dian Fossey first began working in Congo in the mid-1960s to save them. The toll: 10 shot and killed, two others missing. The rangers don’t know for sure who killed the gorillas, but they believe illegal charcoal traders are trying to sabotage the park for easier access to its trees.

    Is money that important? Guess what - there are other ways to make it. Try farming. Try doing ANYTHING that isn't the easiest, laziest way out.

    Killing animals for the fun of it just proves that they're better than you are.

    Read the rest of this sad, disgusting story here: Congo Gorillas in Peril.

    Monday, January 14, 2008

    What is it about Cheese! I LOVE cheese!



    I've heard from many people, "Oh, I would become vegan, but I just love cheese too much. I can't live without cheese."

    Whatever. Do you know what cheese is? It's ROTTEN MILK. That is just fucking gross. Would you eat a hundred-year egg? No? Well, it's the same concept, so if you're horrified by one you should be just as repulsed by the other. 

    I've gotten into many fights with my parents over the whole dairy issue. They don't have a problem with my vegetarianism, but they abhor the fact that I've cut dairy out of my diet. "We need dairy to survive," they cry. "If the cows aren't milked, they're in pain!" they add.

    That's a big old load of shit. That's what I say.

    A) We DON'T need dairy to survive. Calcium is found in leafy greens just as readily as it is found in milk. We were NOT designed to drink milk past infancy, and we CERTAINLY weren't designed to suckle at the teat of a different species.

    B) Cows may be in pain if they aren't milked, but they wouldn't NEED to be milked if we didn't keep them knocked up so they would continually produce. It's a foul, horrible practice.


    Eating cheese is just like injecting fat directly into your thighs and asscheeks. Go ahead if that's what you want, but I won't take part. 

    And whenever I DO hanker for a hunk of, a slab or slice or chunk of, I'll get the vegan alternative, which is much better for you, has the same effect in hoagies and nachos, and wasn't extracted from the pus-laden teat of an imprisoned animal.

    Brands of note:

    Vegan Gourmet. FABULOUS on nachos.
    Tofutti. Good in hoagies.

    My Baby Horse is Jennifer.

    For some reason, the fact that I'm a vegan tends to be the focal point of conversations I have with most people I meet.

    It's not as if there isn't a multitude of other interesting things about me; I would have to say I'm one of the most interesting people I've ever met.

    However, it always swings back to food.

    "How did you become a vegan?" dreary chatters plead, preparing to be regaled with a tale of a mystical journey that led to enlightenment.

    "Well, I stopped eating meat and dairy and eggs," I reply. Their expectant expressions deflate.

    "I traveled to India, trekked to the top of a sacred mountain and sat with a learned yogi for seven years, contemplating the sacred nature of living flesh and why it should not be consumed."
    or:
    "I toured a farm and saw what really happens in the beef industry and I threw up right there on that farmer's shoes."

    As much as I would like for either of those situations to have been the case, it's simply that I made up my mind to be conscientious and "eat for the planet."

    It's becoming increasingly evident that the beef industry is one of the key factors in our global warming situation. The United Nations stated this very clearly in its report on Global Warming last year.

    Although I was vegan long before U.N,'s report was issued, it was really no news to me - I've read several reports over the years of cows' methane excretions being detrimental to our atmosphere. But that's just one reason I'm a vegan.

    If it's got eyes, I won't eat it. I love animals. I LOVE them. I would throw myself in front of a car to save a cat. I am not exaggerating in the slightest.

    Animal rights and environmental security. Those are my main reasons for making the choice to be vegan.

    If you care about the planet - if you want your kids to know what snow looks like and to be able to SEE the lemurs, newts, maromosets, ocelots, and polar bears in places other than books or in zoos where zookeepers have to beat the males off in order to impregnate females who won't bone because they're in captivity, then you'll do the same.